I Don't Need This

[TheWeirdoIsBack]

Do you know what I put up wit?
Naw these wrists ain't slit
But soon I'm going to need a tourniquet
Cut off the blood to my heart
You already hit it with a dart
It's apparently out of order
Everyday it grows a little colder
I'm runnin' out of money
I know y'all think I'm bein' funny
No one knows who I really am
Who I really can be
No sir, no ma'am
My life comes with a fee
Nothin' is free
Step into my world and see
I don't deserve a chance to be
Look at me
Spillin' my heart through this song
Half y'all won't even check it, am I wrong?
I think not
My mind is in a knot
Can't control my thoughts
God it's getting hot
Can't stand it anymore
Y'all are probably droppin' a snore
I can tell your gettin' bored
Screw it, screw y'all, I don't need people
I've survived this long by myself
Dag we ain't even got a vehicle
Take my heart off the shelf
Make room for all the more important things
Like a jar of fly's wings
Screw it, screw y'all, don't bother
Fuck you, your mother, and your father!



Would greatly appreciate some feed.

[$0 R3@L]

dude your structure is terrible,easy to read yes, but shows no complexity or form.

Lyrics aren't very adventrious but work,not much flow however.

Lil more time and work bruv

[Tash8]

aite, this is no hate but straight up constructive criticism

This is not good, but it's really easy to fix...

It has no complexity, I'm pretty sure anyone can write that, that has decent vocab.

It has no flow, I'm stuck on this one too, flow is really hard but if you keep working you'll improve.. just trying saying it out loud and if it sounds wrong then it for sure doesn't flow

It has a OK structure, it's pretty close together but it's really simple you gotta make it more complex. Yes simple is good but TOO SIMPLE is bad.

It has OK rhyming, let's just say those rhymes are used too much.. (i.e. funny, money, free, see, wrong, song)... try to work on multi-rhymes, meaning words like. "I'm soo chill and cool, but I'm about to drill you fool

A bright spot on this is, it's got some potential and it really sounds like it comes from the heart and if it comes from the heart then it's got real good potential, but if it's fake your not going anywhere.

good luck and keep tryin'.

also don't take this as hate, i'm just trying to help

[TheWeirdoIsBack]

Thanks guys, luckily I take any type of criticism well so yeah lol. This one was written a bit more as a spoken-word, but I guess even then the flow may be a bit screwed up. So it basically all comes down to workin' on my vocab, and makin' equal lines right? Imma be sure to work all this shit into my next piece.


Again, thanks a lot

[James R.]

The structure was extremely basic but I think you cut your lines to short, you could say more and get more detailed if you went up to maybe 12 syllables I think it'd work a lil better for you. Also, this is my advice for everyone, up your vocab. Read, look at dictionaries, get a rhyme dictionary, get a thesaurus, w/e you need to do, just steer away from the simplistic style of rhyming.