Sick song lyrics (Feed please)

[Aft3rmath]

MY words rip and rhyme/
Twist and turn'n ya mind/
time after time, ya cant read my lines/
the words get blurry, you go blind/
like polish, my shit shines/

Smil'n over ya defeat/
lien on the cold concrete/
you breath, choking on my words that deceive/
to non believe/
this is real, as real as ya thoughts can conceive/
so take me seriously and go to sleep/
hush now dont get up from your eternal relief/
I retired you homie, six feet under, for eternity/

The verbs and actions that are being blasted/
bounce off these cold curbs of factions/
dont choke, i'll give ya a bitch slapp'n/
dont slip off da stage, get traction/
open ya mouth and quit hacken/
these words of mine before I take action/
in destroyn' ya with quick slashn'/
spitt'n away to eliminate posers who think they have what I got today/
sit there as I strangulate, remember who these skills from God he gave/
cause when I kick ya ass of my stage/
remember the name that stole ya fame away/

....I fell asleep writing this last night...and finished it today......Feed please!! Thank you.

[James R.]

Definitely not good enough to be considered a "sick song" and it wasn't that gruesome so again not a "sick song". It showed the potential because you have the mechanics of writing down pretty solid, but at the same time the song seemed mechanical. I could almost call all of your rhymes, you need to be a bit more creative when you rhyme things. Get a thesaurus and make mental love with it and after about a half hour (for me sometimes lol) you'll give birth to a much more creative sounding song, even if it overall says the same thing as something much simpler. Flow was decent but it could move a little smoother and that would add to the enjoyment. Only other thing I can say is have fun with your songs homie. Let the craziest ideas make it onto the paper, but please avoid all that crazy "strangle you with a shoes lace then hang you by your ankles too" crazy cracked out killer shit please.

[Aft3rmath]

Thanks man, I do understand I do need to work on some things, but you dont really have much experience as far as I can see on this site, post some shit so I know your worth taken the advice from, in any case I consider myself to be a decent writer, and I dont need a thesouras to improve on my rhymes, its thought and creativity that improves them, plus I have read a thesaurous front to back with specific words, no need to read it again. I understand Your tryn to get ya 2 cents out there, but I really want feedback from a general, mainly the truth. I also realize I am low on posts, but try and be a full time Marine at the same time.

[4D]

Nah man, you need to respect James R's opinion, if you search his posts, you'll see he posted some very well received rhymesa while back.

About your verse dude, it's not bad at all. But, when you post it with a topic title like you did, you have to back that up. You had some okay rhymes, but nothing especially outstanding like complex multies, simile's or metaphors. But, at the same time, it's not bad either, you just need to work on tightening up your rhymes, making them more complex, add some internal rhymes like James said, and that will make it flow a little better too. I wouldn't normally worry about the structure unless you're considering battling, but tightening that up a bit too, will always make your rhyme easier on the eye, and people will enjoy your rhymes a bit more.


Keep at it man!

[Aft3rmath]

Yeah the word "Sick" in New England means awesome, so im pretty sure people missinterpreted it.

[4D]

Yeah the word "Sick" in New England means awesome, so im pretty sure people missinterpreted it.

It wasn't misinterpreted man, that's the problem, it wasn't awesome, which isn't a crime, not many are.