Song I'm Working On (Feed Please)

[-[Zach]-]

this is just a song i'm working on.

this is the 1st verse. i might add more to it later:
i can't deny that each day that passes by
grows a hunger i can't satisfy
reminiscenin on the past has my ass trapped inside
deep thoughts of regret the time we spent
apart was too hard to cope with so i let it sink in
reach in the back of my mind to find reasons
why life flys by too quick, i tried to wish
for better times but that proved useless
i was happier back in my childhood days
but now i lost my innocence in these wild hood days
i took pain turned it into words
spurred some thoughts, now its a curse


and this is a possible part of the chorus. i'm not good at making a chorus so i definately need feed for this:
too many ways to die, shall i pick one?
i guess its true: you don't know what you have until its gone



so please read and feed and tell me what i need to work on. any kind of critism would be helpful.

[Tash8]

flow was pretty bad

fix flow and i'll refeed it

[-[Zach]-]

i don't know how to fix it. i'm that bad at this

[James R.]

The flow is just the natural beat to the song. You should be able to read it accapella and not lose a beat you get me? It wasn't a bad song, it actually had some decent thoughts in there. The flow threw it off a bit, but thats very very fixable. If you can't get a natural beat then just keep it simple and write to an actual beat. If you have any rhythm at all you'll be fine.