Song im writin for my girl

[Doe Ray Me]

Contemplating what to write, but imma say the 'honest-truth', your the girl of my dreams, i'll love you for the 'rest-of-my-life'/
Honestly this is how i feel in my heart, i 'promise-you', i know you feel the same, in a few years i 'bet-your-my-wife'/
With a smile and beautiful eyes that keep me 'warm-inside', couldn't imagine my life without the 'love-you-give-me'/
Always there for me when i need you, jus to give 'your-insight', problems come and go, but you always the 'one-who-with-me'/
You know i'll always be faithful, never 'cheat-on-you', treat you right every single day, like ur the 'queen-of-my-world'/
Share everything with you, no secrets i'll 'keep-from-you', crazy in love are the words i use, cos everynight i 'dream-of-my-girl'/

could i get sum creative feed on this please, as i want to make sure it flows good and shit like that, as its for my girl :P

thanks in advance

[Tash8]

ok first of all, ur lines are soo long that the rhymes don't even feel like rhymes.. work on structure and having an internal rhyme and the end of the bar rhyme with such long lines, will never work..


You know i'll always be faithful, never 'cheat-on-you', treat you right every single day, like ur the 'queen-of-my-world'/

btw saying that line your girl, isn't really umm nice or umm idk.. well i mean SHE expects u not to cheat on her and your saying how about this i'll be faithful and i won't cheat on you ok?

[James R.]

Yeah I gotta agree with Tash on that one. If you're gonna have lines that long then just rhyme two or three times in the line and leave yourself the option to move on to a new rhyme in the next line. Those are about the size of the average two lines so there's no real flow to it, it's just a bunch of words.

[Doe Ray Me]

aight thanks, i appriciate honesty, i'll re-do then reply with the new one, then can you 2 give me feedack again?

[Tash8]

yea, if i remember to