i'm new, let me know what u think of this

by **shadyallday** » Mar 17th, '08, 16:08

whats goin on everybody i been writin for a few years let me know what u think of this if u like it i'll send more...this is a verse from a song i did called "Inconsiderate"...

kids look to me for some moral advice/ i tell em find some whores for an affordable price/ i give drugs to kids, that are normally nice/ i gave them acid, now they swore they saw Christ/ i got kids going in a store with a knife/ i'm not a bad influence/ man i had to do it/ ur like i'm not bad, i'm useless/ i'm not the one getting mad at students/ they get suspended if they say fag or lose it/ all the kids r like my dads abusive/ i go against the grain/ i dont get mad everytime u mention the fame/ ur the one who feels the resentment and shame/ all this attention is great/ face it, u couldn't live better than me if u inherited an estate/

by **Ka0t1c** » Mar 17th, '08, 16:30

it's great in the beginning, then it goes down hill, at the end it doesnt flow right

inherited an estate

i'd take out the 'an' part so it would flow smoothly

re-structure your lines to make it easier for us to read and follow the flow

overall, it's pretty good rhyming but this was the only good part in my opinion:

kids look to me for some moral advice/ i tell em find some whores for an affordable price/
i give drugs to kids, that are normally nice/ i gave them acid, now they swore they saw Christ