Just another verse

[Robbie G]

I sit back and begin to think about god
wondering if hes real, or just a big fraud
Are You going to listen? or just sit there and nod
I ain't hear to brag about my good health, or my extensive wealth
or that diamond chain, it's still on the store shelf
Just to express my thoughts, and trust me I got lots
because my life is twisting and bending like tight knots
It ain't as simple as a, b and c or 1,2 and 3
it goes beyond that, i'm trying to explain me
I know what it's like for the world to be cold and rainy
you can't tell me nothing about life,
have you ever stood alone, brandishing a sharp knife,
ready to thrust it in and take your own life,
Give up and Just end it for good,
this sure as hell ain't goodbye cuz I never met hollywood

I'm looking at this beat for it:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default ... dID=525622
If you scroll down it's coldblooded. I wrote it while listening to it and I think I like how it flows together. Not sure if you'll read it that way but I think it will fit well.( Mart showed me that beat months ago and I always liked it. )

Please give feed if you have anything that I could work on. Even if it's like taking out a line or something because I want to make something good.

[Emadyville]

I'm not sure how big you are on rhyming, but some doubles be nice. Plus make sure you put rhymes together in two's for the most part, the first three rhymed, then you started another rhyme, that threw me off. And make the subject flow a little better. Overall I liked the idea for that verse, I could tell what you were talking about. Try and rewrite it and post it again or as a reply on here. Hope I helped some.

[Robbie G]

Thanks man, i'll try to work on it.

[Emadyville]

No problem, I'd like to see it if you mess with it.

[Robbie G]

alright thanks.

I'll work on formatting it because I was ina hurry and just wanted to get some rhymes down.

[Emadyville]

Look what it did to a suburban guy,
I could be wise and be in that suburban ride,
And swerve and drive, but this urban vibe,
And music I use it so I don’t hurt inside,
I just chose to either write or plummet,
And you all got to try and fight me from-it,
But I don’t listen, I’m not that type of puppet,
Do the math, look at the hype and sum-it,
I move past and fast despite the dumb-shit,
I listen till my ears bleed or the music numb-it,
I’m original, I don’t listen when they say to,
Expand it it’s demanded, shit I’ve paid dues,
So I hear the “hey dude’s” sit and lay through,
I really don’t give a fuck, guess what I ain’t you’s…


An example of short one I wrote might explain what I meant more.

[Robbie G]

I sit back and begin to think about god
wondering if hes real, or just a big fraud
Are You going to listen? or just sit there and nod
I ain't hear to brag about my good health, or my extensive wealth
or that diamond chain, it's still on the store shelf
Just to express my thoughts, and trust me I got lots
because my life is twisting and bending like tight knots
It ain't as simple as a, b and c or 1,2 and 3
it goes beyond that, i'm trying to explain me
I know what it's like for the world to be cold and rainy
you can't tell me nothing about life,
have you ever stood alone, brandishing a sharp knife,
ready to thrust it in and take your own life,
Give up and Just end it for good,
this sure as hell ain't goodbye cuz I never met hollywood

I changed a few lines, is that a step in the right direction? Tried to get back into a consistent rhyme scheme.