8 lines added from the end of verse one(give feedback)

[Darkblade44431]

i really like the lyrics so far. haven't finished 1st verse yet though. 8 lines so far. to the beat of "got yourself a gun" by Nas. tested this too, hits the snare so far. anyway, here are the lyrics.

yo
my flow is off but on the tip of my tounge,
it may sound like me coughin at the top of my lungs,
i fake the cough, i'm chokin, spit in 3 different tongues,
i'm tryin to spit in different languages, but only speak one,
my mouth is open but i can't remember shit that i've done,
my eyes are squinted, blamin sin for this unbearable sun,
eye tissues ripped apart,once tearable, but now there is none,
why make misuse of ferris wheels that's in my cranium, spun,
why play with bliss tools causin carousels, wary still, bit spine shakened,
weilding requiring elements of once denying intelligance,
i got my mind, pencil, paper,
inner-self awakener,
the shined stencil breaker,
though a blind kindle maker,
i wish for silence of this rapper, so far only one taker,
no matter....what at stake's an eraser, for this eternal mind taser,
hook


verse 2:

(will redo 2nd verse)

you wanna get real?
i can get wild,
i got a trigger in my head thats not been pulled in a while,
messin with the steel is a death wish, its nothin to mess with,
but now that trigger you pulled it the loose killer is lettin off bullets,
look into my eye, what do you see through it,
before it makes you go blind, you see my life in my eye,
now dont be shy and tell me...what does it cry,
you thought about it and sighed, but you knew it, you lie,
my eye just gets brighter and tells you all my minds' hired,
i'm a...
miracle rhyme writer,
lyrical crime fighter,
spiritual mind biter,
critical bind tier,
bitch to all high flyers, bright headers,
pitiful light sniffer, mic gripper,
wiz of all spine splitters,
hit at all blind spitters,
tactical mind bitter,
irrational soul bidder,
national cold killer,
flash no more bold quitters.

hook

[Darkblade44431]

lol, finally someone else agrees with me. i wrote the 8th line todat, then got pissed off and stopped. thanks chet

[<Stiiccy>]

preety good homie, try to make it lil more complex...

[Darkblade44431]

lol, i havent finished. it will be more complex when finished....lol, at least i think it will. Thanks though.

[Emadyville]

Def interesting, good shit

[Darkblade44431]

Thanks man.

[<Stiiccy>]

lol, i havent finished. it will be more complex when finished....lol, at least i think it will. Thanks though.

iight...feed my shit to haha

[gladimnotsoluble]

That was pretty dope, I liked the flow. Not sure about having tongue twice, but I mean your meaning is good so I don't know

[Darkblade44431]

oh, u got new shit sticcy? i'll def. check that. u kick ass.
and thanks "gladimnotsoluable", and lol, who gives a fuck about havin tongue twice, look at the words in between it and u might forget about that.

[gladimnotsoluble]

yeah, you're right man, you'll forget tongue is used
but if in any case you want to change it..

you can just say "with three different puns"
instead of "in three different tongues"

but it's your writing, not mine, and yours is dope. So i don't even know what i'm saying

[Xplode]

nice work

[Darkblade44431]

thanks guys, and puns wouldn't make since,i never even used any. thanks though

[Darkblade44431]

bump, new verse added, tell me if i should use it

[Darkblade44431]

i know....i dont like it. i think i'm just gonna completely redo it

[Steve Spag]

Wow man. That second verse is dope as fuck dude. For real, crazy mad rhyming there. I'm officially impressed, haha.

And if you get a chance, I got a new rap up aswell called "Half The Man". Let me know what ya' think of it. Your feed is appreciated, haha.

Keep it up.