more depth

[Ka0t1c]

i exist to dismiss the bias to the abyss with the fish
go kiss goodbye to the dick ridin, don't bitch, get rich
survive the big trip you pilot or prevents your intents
to convince the undeciders, i apply tight on the switch-
that is gun fire from my side of the fence
cuz i won't be hidin like a guy on the bench
while you're lyin, tryin to make sense cuz i am tired of it
why am i pissed, don't light up my wick cuz like a time bomb i'll tick
and when i find your footprints i umpire your breaths
so not high in percent's your life cuz i desire your death
no time i will give for your right to trespass
to expire you're meant as i inspire the rest in this
entire environment which was designed by the best
writers with pens, plus wires and sets
there's a pyscho within, don't deny it just yet

wires - music set up (mic, beat maker..)
sets - stage

[Darkblade44431]

Good job, do u plan on finishing?

[Ka0t1c]

ummm....sure why not?!

[Darkblade44431]

Cool, i look forward to the finished product.
btw, do u mind givin me feed on my latest thing up in creative writing section? i'm not sure if want to use it for a song or not, and i need feedback.

[Emadyville]

Nasty, straight up, only one or two lines I'd change or take out, the rest was fire!

[Ka0t1c]

i added a lil bit more, still gonna work on this piece to finish... ( )

[Jay-19]

Really dope! Nice rhymes, nice concept and rhyme-scheme!

[Ka0t1c]

Really dope! Nice rhymes, nice concept and rhyme-scheme!

thanx man, that's cool that u got it!

[Emadyville]

Still good shit, would make a great third verse of a song I think, seriously awesome rhymes, record it!

[IceAxe]

In the first two lines. it'd be dope if you somehow went more in depth with the "dismiss/bias" rhyme pattern. Line 8 was a bit too long and kinda lost it's flow by the end of it the way I read it. In line 4 I'd put it like "to convince the undecider's a switch". The contraction makes it flow better with the next line to me.

Aside from that, nice work. Rhymes were solid and so was the concept.

[Ka0t1c]

ok, IceAxe, I'll have a look...

[Solace]

Ooh i liked this im just wondering, are you gunna extend this, or record it? i liked the rhymes, there were so many! I liked this line in particular,

and when i find your footprints i umpire your breaths
so not high in percent's your life cuz i desire your death

PS. do you mind if u check out that True Lyricist thing, its been updated a whole lot since u last checked it, or posted. Thanks if u do.