The TRshady Forum became read-only in December 2014. The 10 year history will live on, in this archive.
Continue the discussion with the new home for the Eminem and Hip Hop discussion: HipHopShelter.com.

sick of pain

Want to share a poem, story or a moving article? Share creative literature text here.

sick of pain

Postby Slim Zaddy » Sep 1st, '08, 13:53

My name is daze and I’m so amazed life teaches me to hold the pain
I can say that I’m okay but deep inside my heart I’m just blown away
All the things I try to do wit u are just coming back like they was there
I don’t know why? I’m not a fag I’m just so glad of what I already had
If you don’t love me anymore then tell me don’t hang me cuz this shit kills me
Love me diss me it’s doesn’t matter cuz u would never reminisce me
I will come back raising take revenge flag. I may get snaps back
But it’s doesn’t matter I don’t love u anymore all my feeling hve just gone
I have just prone my heart to your own but know it’s just coming back home
I was in love but this shits have been withdrawal form ur heart and ya that’s all
I can talk to others and discover my new mate I hope that dis one will just be a good fate
I will be on buffer it’s doesn’t matter but at the end I will just get the better
I will shatter ur picture from my heart and leave it to scatter
So you're not there anymore my heart get’s back free like a whore
If they told u that I just want u more, they’re right I just want to burn u and bury ur bone
U may think that ur in the throne but they don’t know that ur just a lesbian porn
If u thinks that I will regret u, u so wrong I just hate u can get it from dis song.

:) hope u like it .. tell me if there's something need to be improved.
Last edited by Slim Zaddy on Sep 2nd, '08, 15:28, edited 1 time in total.
Image
z_em = Slim Zaddy = Zaid AQ which is my real name
User avatar
Slim Zaddy
Role Model
Role Model
 
Posts: 3764
Joined: Aug 21st, '08, 19:42
Location: never mind
Gender: Male

Re: sick of pain

Postby The Toy Soldier » Sep 1st, '08, 22:38

z_em wrote:My name is daze and I’m so amazed life teaches me to hold the pain
I can say that I’m okay but deep inside my heart I’m just blown away
All the things I try to do wit u are just coming back like they was there
I don’t know why? I’m not a fag I’m just so glad of what I already had
If you don’t love me anymore then tell me don’t hang me cuz this shit kills me
Love me diss me it’s doesn’t matter cuz u would never reminisce me
I will come back raising take revenge flag. I may get snaps back
But it’s doesn’t matter I don’t love u anymore all my feeling hve just gone
I have just prone my heart to your own but know it’s just coming back home
I was in love but this shits have been withdrawal form ur heart and ya that’s all
I can talk to others and discover my new mate I hope that dis one will just be a good fate
I will be on buffer it’s doesn’t matter but at the end I will just get the better
I will shatter ur picture from my heart and leave it to scatter
So you're not there anymore my heart get’s back free like a whore
If they told u that I just want u more, they’re right I just want to burn and bury ur bone
U may think that ur in the throne but they don’t know that ur just a lesbian porn
If u thinks that I will regret u, u so wrong I just hate u can get it from dis song.

:) hope u like it .. tell me if there's something need to be improved.

shits nice for someone new here!
The Toy Soldier
Soldier
Soldier
 
Posts: 517
Joined: Jul 1st, '08, 00:38
Gender: Male

Re: sick of pain

Postby Slim Zaddy » Sep 2nd, '08, 10:47

The Toy Soldier wrote:
z_em wrote:My name is daze and I’m so amazed life teaches me to hold the pain
I can say that I’m okay but deep inside my heart I’m just blown away
All the things I try to do wit u are just coming back like they was there
I don’t know why? I’m not a fag I’m just so glad of what I already had
If you don’t love me anymore then tell me don’t hang me cuz this shit kills me
Love me diss me it’s doesn’t matter cuz u would never reminisce me
I will come back raising take revenge flag. I may get snaps back
But it’s doesn’t matter I don’t love u anymore all my feeling hve just gone
I have just prone my heart to your own but know it’s just coming back home
I was in love but this shits have been withdrawal form ur heart and ya that’s all
I can talk to others and discover my new mate I hope that dis one will just be a good fate
I will be on buffer it’s doesn’t matter but at the end I will just get the better
I will shatter ur picture from my heart and leave it to scatter
So you're not there anymore my heart get’s back free like a whore
If they told u that I just want u more, they’re right I just want to burn and bury ur bone
U may think that ur in the throne but they don’t know that ur just a lesbian porn
If u thinks that I will regret u, u so wrong I just hate u can get it from dis song.

:) hope u like it .. tell me if there's something need to be improved.

shits nice for someone new here!



thanks man i really appreciate your opinion
Image
z_em = Slim Zaddy = Zaid AQ which is my real name
User avatar
Slim Zaddy
Role Model
Role Model
 
Posts: 3764
Joined: Aug 21st, '08, 19:42
Location: never mind
Gender: Male

Re: sick of pain

Postby Slim Zaddy » Sep 2nd, '08, 16:13

McMaybe wrote:You drag your lines out with no rhyme. Fix that and it's a pretty good verse.


My name's daze and I’m amazed.. life teaches me to hold the pain
I say that I’m okay... but deep inside my heart I'm blown away


Like that ^



i will mcmaybe . thanks man for your comment .... :)
Image
z_em = Slim Zaddy = Zaid AQ which is my real name
User avatar
Slim Zaddy
Role Model
Role Model
 
Posts: 3764
Joined: Aug 21st, '08, 19:42
Location: never mind
Gender: Male

Re: sick of pain

Postby Emadyville » Sep 2nd, '08, 19:12

It was alright, better structure like said above, and maybe try some multi's.
Menzo wrote:Its cuz you're dope and Daddy Dubs. No one fucks with that


I love you Daren
User avatar
Emadyville
Django
Django
 
Posts: 24833
Joined: Jan 17th, '08, 15:58
Location: Catasauqua PA
Gender: Male

Re: sick of pain

Postby Slim Zaddy » Sep 3rd, '08, 19:46

Emadyville wrote:It was alright, better structure like said above, and maybe try some multi's.


thanks for your opinion
Image
z_em = Slim Zaddy = Zaid AQ which is my real name
User avatar
Slim Zaddy
Role Model
Role Model
 
Posts: 3764
Joined: Aug 21st, '08, 19:42
Location: never mind
Gender: Male


Return to Creative Writing



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users