Personal tribulation .. verse ..

[Slim Zaddy]

i was feeling bored a little bit , so i write this , hope u liked it though ...

He yo ,, my life keeps on backfiring
i need to keep on trying , till the day of my dying
i don’t know why is it like that ,,
The girl that I want just snaps me back
i think that I’m a whack
i need to get back and hold keep trying flag ,
That’s life and that's what they called it nice..
Well sometimes i need to disguise in a bag of pain of life killing rains..
I’m just surprised,, things happened against your habits
That’s what every time happened
i need a baggage to get inside
And forget and put everything that ruined my mood aside
And look beside where a new life arise,
Life is so rough it can torn you into many staff,
Depressed is one and others i don’t want to discuss,
They just sucks forget them and live for fuss about your good staff
Girls are all liars they are like fake players
Don’t trust them and be a lion, quit tryin cryin
This will not help plz believe and keep on proceed
Take a piece of this weed ur brain will start growing some good seeds,
Now i need to get the pure information about this girl i need no hesitation
i need to make a determination and follow my sensation
i need a detective to inspect who resists me , and predict
what might reflect her pure feeling to the one who respect
Nor neglect never suspect how he feels toward this chick
i know she wants’ me but she's playing hard to get game
Well that's a shame i need to retain myself and try again
But if i get back wit nothing i will never forget that pain
i will become an insane i need a boost gain
To hold me up to the one that's suck me up and take revenge
Well these days i feel like life has nothing nice to offer me,
i will keep hold still waiting is the key for my devastated trail
Snail or jail is far away to be my trail
Girls are dummy they don’t know how to act when they are front of something yummy,
That’s what makes them look funny and skinny ohhh forgive me honey,,
well i feel like i was a game to these girls
They play me well, my feeling was like a grill,
They wait for me to go ahead
talk to them so they can finish there lame
Well they actually did and that was never predict
they start laughing at me , will i admit
she hurt me , i was like a dirt
When i decide to make a flirt
i was coming back from her and i look like a dirty shirt,
Well that's my karma
One of my meanest dramas
i need to go away from her way
to see what she's willing to say
Well I’m not in the mood right now
i need to reboot my mind
nd focus on something goood ...

plz i need your feedback ,, either it's good or bad ,.. and tell me if there's things need to be improved .. .

[Solace]

Concept good again Flow off sometimes, but this wasnt as bad as flow as the other so thats good. Some lines could really be reworked so that they like flow good and sound good, eg.

she hurt me , i was like a dirt
When i decide to make a flirt
i was coming back from her and i look like a dirty shirt,

could be

She hurt me, I felt like I was dirt,
It all happened when I decided I should flirt,
And when I came back to her all I had was a dirty shirt,

Or something, you know? Like the grammar of yours slightly doesnt make sense in areas, "i felt like i was a dirt", you cant feel like a dirt, but you can feel like dirt. Another like this:

well i feel like i was a game to these girls
They play me well, my feeling was like a grill,

Girls and Grill dont rhyme that well, and i didnt catch the meaning of "grill" What do you mean that you felt like a grill? Maybe "Well I feel like I was a game to these girls, They played me well, now I feel like I should hurl"

And the ending wasnt too good (endings+beginnings are very important). It shouldnt have became ultra short. Anyways, average piece but keep it up

EDIT: oh yeah i forgot something. You should do like a full song instead of long verses. You could do like a chorus and then verse 1 then chorus then verse 2. Like this is a pretty big verse, it could be cut into 2 verses in fact.

[Slim Zaddy]

Concept good again Flow off sometimes, but this wasnt as bad as flow as the other so thats good. Some lines could really be reworked so that they like flow good and sound good, eg.

she hurt me , i was like a dirt
When i decide to make a flirt
i was coming back from her and i look like a dirty shirt,

could be

She hurt me, I felt like I was dirt,
It all happened when I decided I should flirt,
And when I came back to her all I had was a dirty shirt

ya this way rhyme better i agree wit u

Or something, you know? Like the grammar of yours slightly doesnt make sense in areas, "i felt like i was a dirt", you cant feel like a dirt, but you can feel like dirt. Another like this:

well i feel like i was a game to these girls
They play me well, my feeling was like a grill,

Girls and Grill dont rhyme that well, and i didnt catch the meaning of "grill" What do you mean that you felt like a grill? Maybe "Well I feel like I was a game to these girls, They played me well, now I feel like I should hurl"

well actually it just comes on my mind ,, but what i mean that i was feeling bad like a boiling water which gonna explode .

And the ending wasnt too good (endings+beginnings are very important). It shouldnt have became ultra short. Anyways, average piece but keep it up

well that's my mistake cuz actually i did'nt focus on the ending as i focus to keep on the main idea ..

EDIT: oh yeah i forgot something. You should do like a full song instead of long verses. You could do like a chorus and then verse 1 then chorus then verse 2. Like this is a pretty big verse, it could be cut into 2 verses in fact.[/quote][/quote]

ya i agree wit u ... next time i will .. and i really appreciate your comments .. it means alot to me .. so that i know my mistakes .. to be better next time

[Slim Zaddy]

common guys .. more feedback

[lilrossy]

it wasn't too bad. i think sum areas were good but then sum were hard to undastand or didn't make sense. & shadymademe was right, it was too long. but keep it up, ur improving.

[Slim Zaddy]

it wasn't too bad. i think sum areas were good but then sum were hard to undastand or didn't make sense. & shadymademe was right, it was too long. but keep it up, ur improving.

thanks man