My Loving Senses

[DrRapid]

I wrote this a while ago, it's based on a poem called "The Great Lover" but my own version. For you to know what I'm talking about you have to understand that this poem I've based from is about the things you love from all your senses (smell,touch,taste,hearing,sight) so I'm not being gay or anything.

I'd like to improve this so I'd be glad if you shared some ideas, but don't be too negative neither since this is my first in Creative Writing forum.


My Loving Senses based on: The Great Lover

I love:

To hear the birds whistle in the forest;
And on a windy day, the wind's rough voice, to be honest;
The soft clucking of a hen
The screaming of a car engine from now and then;
Also loud noises full of anger,
Like the ear-deafening explosion of a banger;
Or the lyrics of a rapper who has much to say;
Over the scratching vinyls of a DJ.

The roaring flames of a fire,
Watching the basketball crowd applauding me, something I desire
The view from my kitchen window,
The woods, the grass, the fields, though
Sooner or later chopped up and replaced by houses like slaughter,
Just as I like watching stones dropping into water.

Grabbing and crunching it into a snowball,
Gripping and throwing my basketball,
Snatching my beloved pillow
Feeling as soft as the very gentle snow
And as light as a feather
My favorite sofa made of leather.

The sugary doughnut, nothing good in it, what a waste,
But to me its always had a wonderful taste;
Swallowing my Mentos, chewing a sunflower seed,
More garbage, more greed;
Sipping my refreshing Ice Tea,
Nothing near a glass of Hennessey;
Though I've always liked a freshly-made salad
With some added vinegar; remember, this is only a ballad.

The burning odour of fire;
Chocolate, sweets, cake;
All of these my desires,
Smelling it as it's baked;
A passing girl's perfume
Which might make me want to see her soon.

These I have loved...

[James R.]

I like the concept a lot. It was far more of a poem than a song, so the rhyming was good. The flow was a little hard to catch on, but once I got it it flowed pretty well. Still a little choppy in some spots. Interesting drop. I'll be checking to see if you add more or change anything.

[DrRapid]

Well thanks a lot, yeah it was meant to be a poem than an actual song. Some parts of it should maybe be slightly changed to make it sound better but thanks for supporting this

[mcZu]

Liked it, great poem.
Enjoyed reading it, keep writting

[Slim Zaddy]

i did enjoy reading it .. as for me i love .. romantic staff ,,

[DrRapid]

Thx 4 feedback fido, mczu and z_em

[DrRapid]

Very poetic. I feel a lot of emotion in that piece, it was like James said, more of a poem, which isn't a bad thing at all. The rhyming was good, concept was a nice twist to the love concept.

Thanks man, poem was intended. I based it on snother poem but just made quite different.

[Rain Matrix]

true writing comes from the heart and not the brain that's why so much emotion can be detected in this poetic piece... I hope you post more of your work