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Paper journey

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Paper journey

Postby mcZu » Dec 8th, '08, 21:01

Something I wrote yesterday.

My pencil touches the paper, when will roughnes vapor?
Why end this with erasers? while you can elaborate greatness
the details reveal the evil in the eyes of this embedded statements
so I state the date that the weight gets lifted from my paper
'cause my pen aims higher, the sky is the limit is what has been said
let's test that while I'm flooding my ink like the nile over papyrus
constructed with fine strings of my mind, each rhyme is written
in caligraphy, so each line resemblance aristocracy
noble yet angry, hieroglyphics encoded and frenzy
drawn with the holster, triggered the energy
confusing stanzas, figured it out eventually
The inner me tries to reflect the hungry in me
by transforming into my enemy, so when I stand for the mirror
it's a battle between me and me. Or I and I, no roman two
the omen of who? Square the inner war of Zu, the end is due
to the fact of time the dot at the end of the paper
here by ending this hiphop act of rhymes ...

Feedback would be appreciated :flower:
"Truth is limitless in its range; if you drop a 'T' and look at it in reverse, it could hurt."
- Lupe Fiasco

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Re: Paper journey

Postby MC Anonymous » Dec 8th, '08, 21:06

mcZu wrote:Something I wrote yesterday.

My pencil touches the paper, when will roughnes vapor?
Why end this with erasers? while you can elaborate greatness
the details reveal the evil in the eyes of this embedded statements
so I state the date that the weight gets lifted from my paper
'cause my pen aims higher, the sky is the limit is what has been said
let's test that while I'm flooding my ink like the nile over papyrus
constructed with fine strings of my mind, each rhyme is written
in caligraphy, so each line resemblance aristocracy
noble yet angry, hieroglyphics encoded and frenzy
drawn with the holster, triggered the energy
confusing stanzas, figured it out eventually
The inner me tries to reflect the hungry in me
by transforming into my enemy, so when I stand for the mirror
it's a battle between me and me. Or I and I, no roman two
the omen of who? Square the inner war of Zu, the end is due
to the fact of time the dot at the end of the paper
here by ending this hiphop act of rhymes ...

Feedback would be appreciated :flower:

You have a weird flow, and the complexity is something I smile upon seeing how I write similar.
Vocab was nice, flow was lacking, structure was all over the place. It seems like you rushed for this to be completed, and that's not good.
7/10. Keep writing bro!
LMFAO@ Brittney, bitch looking worse than a chupacabra mixed with a broken down coyote. You're disgusting ugly, so ugly in fact, my brain simultaneously exploded while processing how bitterly grotesque you look. I would much rather stick ice picks into the walls of my cranium, then stick my dick into your quagmire of a clitoris. You're what would happen if a sperm whale mated with a Godzilla fish..


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Re: Paper journey

Postby mcZu » Dec 8th, '08, 21:10

^ Thanks for the feed man, much appreciate it.
Yeah the flow does kinda change suddenly, and I will work on the structure
Thanks for checking :worship:
"Truth is limitless in its range; if you drop a 'T' and look at it in reverse, it could hurt."
- Lupe Fiasco

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Re: Paper journey

Postby MC Anonymous » Dec 8th, '08, 21:12

mcZu wrote:^ Thanks for the feed man, much appreciate it.
Yeah the flow does kinda change suddenly, and I will work on the structure
Thanks for checking :worship:

your welcome bro. :wave:
LMFAO@ Brittney, bitch looking worse than a chupacabra mixed with a broken down coyote. You're disgusting ugly, so ugly in fact, my brain simultaneously exploded while processing how bitterly grotesque you look. I would much rather stick ice picks into the walls of my cranium, then stick my dick into your quagmire of a clitoris. You're what would happen if a sperm whale mated with a Godzilla fish..


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Re: Paper journey

Postby James R. » Dec 8th, '08, 22:40

Lyrically it was an 8. Good concepts, good vocab, complex, it's all good. But the flow was awful when I read. I couldn't catch onto it, so maybe it's my fault, but it made it tough to read, really made it hard to enjoy the song. If you could fix the flow (maybe read it out loud to make sure it flows, write to a beat) then it could stay an 8, until then I'd give it a 6.5
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Re: Paper journey

Postby mcZu » Dec 9th, '08, 16:05

^ Thanks for the feed man, means alot, yeah the structure is kinda messed up, like mc anonymous said I rushed it abit. I will try to fix it up so that it wil flow better.
Thanks for checking man :b:
"Truth is limitless in its range; if you drop a 'T' and look at it in reverse, it could hurt."
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Re: Paper journey

Postby Rain Matrix » Dec 9th, '08, 16:15

I liked the historical pieces you threw in... really nice vocab, flow was kinda hard to follow but I enjoyed this none the less :y:
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Re: Paper journey

Postby mcZu » Dec 9th, '08, 18:34

^thanks bro, appriciate it man.
Thanks for checking :b:
"Truth is limitless in its range; if you drop a 'T' and look at it in reverse, it could hurt."
- Lupe Fiasco

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