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Frustrated Thought's Impact ( NEW)

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Frustrated Thought's Impact ( NEW)

Postby Slim Zaddy » Dec 9th, '08, 11:35

feedback on this would be appreciated guys .. :happy:

[Verse 1]

Today I’m gonna discuss a prime subject,
It’s in public,
Manias get tight in unappreciated time
Just feeling suspect,
What I go through is discuss ting,
Blaming me is a must then,
When I hold the pen nd write something,
My thoughts get busting,
Beauty of life is getting rusting,
If u wants cope then join wrestling,
My re-healing is to express my worst feelings
Before they get frosting,
In school bullies thinks they’re cool,
They make yarns to make you fool,
What you need to do, is to stand on your foot,
Being frightened nd dodging is not the tool,
If u want entertaining then go to a rave,
Girls are there it’s a chance to date but wit behave,
Don’t let your afraid of getting laid
Be the reason, its da date season, be brave okay,
Let me then mention,
If u wants to be famous start to get attention,
Parties’ inventions,
Is all what you need actually it’s the best prescription,
Let go of tensions, start using your intentions,
I hope that I did make a convention,
Well that’s life u must cope, look for any road,
That will lead into what u hope,
When you find it life becomes dope,
If u doesn’t then keep looking it’s my code,


[Chorus]

Sometimes you feel like want to express something,
Fate show up, telling u your feelings mean nothing,
Sometimes you feel like you want to be heard,
No ones listening or caring so you might as well blow,


[Verse 2]

One day I was coming back from school
With my college dude,
I think he is cool,
We encounter a bunch of guys they were rude,
I asked him what we’re supposed to do,
He blinks, I know what he meant,
It’s a hint, we both pretend faint,
Like we hve nothing to acquaint,
Later on I jet back home,
I noticed a catchy whore on my road,
I screamed callin her hey hoe I hve gigantic balls,
I’m so horny my perms is going to explode,
The weather was so cold i wear my coat, nd tell her my quote
If my dick was for sale for your pretty ass it’s already sold,
Later on we go into my room,
I didn’t know mama was waiting for me with a broom,
I though she was busy cocking in kitchen, i assume
But I’m bitch wrong,
During my lifelong, I hve wrote several love songs,
But yet I don’t know for whom it belongs,
I have met many though,
But few were blistering maybe feelings need to prolong.,
Some days I feel like I’m dissin myself,
My life was getting tight on me like a cell,
I feel like I was on jail,
I want to express how I feel through my life trail,
But I can’t while I’m surrounded by bars screw you,
What you’re supposed to do,
When everything you hope backfires against you, that’s true
Then you begin searching for hope clues,
But what u didn’t knew, is that my life is same as you
Then you try walking off behind your fate,
Maybe to flip things on your mind state,
Police focusing on you rather than focusing on the increase of the crime rate,
The food you eating is out of date,
Ohh that’s great, I’m sickin of it I’m going out of state...



[Chorus2x]
Last edited by Slim Zaddy on Dec 11th, '08, 11:35, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Frustrated Thought's Impact ( NEW)

Postby neversnooze » Dec 10th, '08, 04:31

z_em nothing personal but this was like reading a book in ghetto version, but i think you said that your english wasnt too good so nice try. I like the journey from school, how life occurs.

if you need help just messege me and i can fix it up for you. i am not the best but i can do a satisfying job.

on your chorus the last line didnt make sense, so i wrote an example on how you could fix it

Chorus:
Sometimes you feel like want to express something,
Fate show up, telling u your feelings mean nothing,
Sometimes you feel like you want to be heard,
You have to know that actually no body cared, <fix that last line with:

if anybody cared when you wanted to know
Sometimes I stay up so late that I have my morning coffee before I go to bed
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Re: Frustrated Thought's Impact ( NEW)

Postby Slim Zaddy » Dec 10th, '08, 10:02

neversnooze wrote:z_em nothing personal but this was like reading a book in ghetto version, but i think you said that your english wasnt too good so nice try. I like the journey from school, how life occurs.

if you need help just messege me and i can fix it up for you. i am not the best but i can do a satisfying job.

on your chorus the last line didnt make sense, so i wrote an example on how you could fix it

Chorus:
Sometimes you feel like want to express something,
Fate show up, telling u your feelings mean nothing,
Sometimes you feel like you want to be heard,
You have to know that actually no body cared, <fix that last line with:

if anybody cared when you wanted to know



thanks for the comment neversnooze ,, ya i know it looked like a story , cuz actually i just wrote it as a story to be rhymed , it's not a song or somethin ,, i just want to see myself writing rhyming stories .. Anyway.. Thanks for trying to help bro ... i will fix that line ,, :happy:
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Re: Frustrated Thought's Impact ( NEW)

Postby Solace » Dec 10th, '08, 22:36

It was alright. Many, many grammar/spelling errors too. EG.

Here is how you wrote it:

[Verse 1]

Today I’m gonna discuss a prime subject,
It’s in public,
Manias get tight in unappreciated time
Just feeling suspect,
What I go through is discuss ting, (disgusting?)
Blaming me is a must then,
When I hold the pen nd write something,
My thoughts get busting,
Beauty of life is getting rusting, (rusty)
If u wants cope then join wrestling, (want to cope)
My re-healing is to express my worst feelings
Before they get frosting, (frozen)
In school bullies thinks they’re cool, (think)
They make yarns to make you fool, (they make yarns??)
What you need to do, is to stand on your foot,
Being frightened nd dodging is not the tool,
If u want entertaining then go to a rave,
Girls are there it’s a chance to date but wit behave,
Don’t let your afraid of getting laid
Be the reason, its da date season, be brave okay,
Let me then mention,
If u wants to be famous start to get attention,
Parties’ inventions,
Is all what you need actually it’s the best prescription,
Let go of tensions, start using your intentions,
I hope that I did make a convention,
Well that’s life u must cope, look for any road,
That will lead into what u hope,
When you find it life becomes dope,
If u doesn’t then keep looking it’s my code,


Some stuff to fix. And now that you fixed the chorus, it doesnt rhyme. And i dont get what your saying in the last line, imo the grammar doesnt make sense even tho neversnooze fixed it. Heres an example that would work tho:

"Sometimes you feel like want to express something,
Fate show up, telling u your feelings mean nothing,
Sometimes you feel like your gunna explode,
No ones listening or caring so you might as well blow"

6/10, i think befoer your pieces were better but now your using more vocabulary and making full pieces which is quite a good thing!
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Re: Frustrated Thought's Impact ( NEW)

Postby Slim Zaddy » Dec 11th, '08, 11:40

shadymademe wrote:It was alright. Many, many grammar/spelling errors too. EG.

Here is how you wrote it:

[Verse 1]

Today I’m gonna discuss a prime subject,
It’s in public,
Manias get tight in unappreciated time
Just feeling suspect,
What I go through is discuss ting, (disgusting?)
Blaming me is a must then,
When I hold the pen nd write something,
My thoughts get busting,
Beauty of life is getting rusting, (rusty)
If u wants cope then join wrestling, (want to cope)
My re-healing is to express my worst feelings
Before they get frosting, (frozen)
In school bullies thinks they’re cool, (think)
They make yarns to make you fool, (they make yarns??)
What you need to do, is to stand on your foot,
Being frightened nd dodging is not the tool,
If u want entertaining then go to a rave,
Girls are there it’s a chance to date but wit behave,
Don’t let your afraid of getting laid
Be the reason, its da date season, be brave okay,
Let me then mention,
If u wants to be famous start to get attention,
Parties’ inventions,
Is all what you need actually it’s the best prescription,
Let go of tensions, start using your intentions,
I hope that I did make a convention,
Well that’s life u must cope, look for any road,
That will lead into what u hope,
When you find it life becomes dope,
If u doesn’t then keep looking it’s my code,


Some stuff to fix. And now that you fixed the chorus, it doesnt rhyme. And i dont get what your saying in the last line, imo the grammar doesnt make sense even tho neversnooze fixed it. Heres an example that would work tho:

"Sometimes you feel like want to express something,
Fate show up, telling u your feelings mean nothing,
Sometimes you feel like your gunna explode,
No ones listening or caring so you might as well blow"

6/10, i think befoer your pieces were better but now your using more vocabulary and making full pieces which is quite a good thing!


aha i agree the last line doesn’t make sense to me either , but i fixed as u wrote cuz it sound good now .. and these grammar error . i made them , cuz actually i want them to rhyme , anyway thanks shadymademe for tryin to help , i will start writing like before .. but know i was just tryn to do different things ,
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