vesre {1}
Subliminal Messages through wax clogging multiple Mc's ears,
Tells one to spit like all the others and everyone will gather to hear,
I can't save you if you won't listen to mental conspiracies,
I think outside the Box so the powers that be are fearing me,
Listen you drones shaped by society and opinions of others,
Haze over your eyes. Your all in body bags and the slaughter i uncovered,
Dead men walking abstract thoughts keeping me alive striving,
Yet constant influence by deaden souls trys to pull me back from surviving,
You can't listen if you don't respect and since your ego is all you know,
Your already doomed yourself. chose your path. I can't dig you out of that hole,
Might as well cut your ears off cause they serve you no purpose,
You barely scratch the surface of mans Work and yet you already label it as herbish,
verse{2}
yo as i spit dis it just what comes ta mind,
questions and many words dat rhyme,
like how can i get in da music game and take what i feel dats mine,
still i anylize more and wonder should i turn to a life of crime,
cause workin part time for nickles and dimes ain't gettin it,
i need real cash and it seem da only way rap or crack and pushin it,
as everyday i drown my sorrows in weed and achohol,
a dude feels da pressure and it ain't light at all,
dese flows is all i have these thoughts from da heart,
all i want is a platinum album and a sea of money to part,
big dreams and doin big things is what i'm about,
i dress hip hop so people think i'm a speak ignorance every time i open my mouth,
so my peoples when you read dese rhymes think of da realness and say whats on yo mind,
verse {3)
Concession my life is like Hells lesson,
Keep agressin ride highways chockin on blessin,
Dutches twisted shid i smoke Lobster so i remain lifted,
wicked spit Boy Gutta is Gifted,
illest spitter in the district,
sicker the aids infected spit,
mean flow like when vains get slit,
at dames i get,
Chainsaw bodies and turn bodies into liquod,
luey vaton Gloves drippin im loadin the Biscuit,
Boyz in the Hood yall,
Torcher bodies No quck shit,
dis dude 17 i barely got my learners,
Maintain the streets i beat cops wit Burners,
Im similar 2 IKE Smack-ah-Hoe you can call me a Turner,
Beat ya sternum,
Known 4 leavin stains you can call me denim,
Disney style call me Tales cuz the hollows will SPIN um,
Leaving feedback would be much appreciated..
This is your best one yet, you have multies in this piece you wrote(rhymes) compared to your other work. The first two verses are good, they have almost the same amount of syllables(words) but the last verse was much shorter. Try keeping the same amount of words in each verse or almost the same amount 
. Since, you are trying to improve, id suggest that you dont write as much, maybe like 2 verses as minimum for now and then build up on it when you become more familiar with writing.
