Funny Em Lines (Songs, And Freestyles)

[*shadysoldier*]

Met a retarded kid named Greg with a wooden leg
Snatched it off and beat him over the fucking head wit'
The peg
Go to bed with a keg, wake up with a 40
Mixed up with Alka-Seltzer and Formula 44D
Fuck an acid tab I strapped the whole sheet to my forehead
Wait until it absorbed in and fell to the floor dead
No more said, case closed, end of discussion
I'm blowin' up like spontaneous human combustion
Leaving you in the aftermath of holocaust and traumas
Cross the bombers
We blowin' up your house, killing your parents
And coming back to get your foster mommas
And I'm as good at keeping a promise as Nostradamus
'Cause I ain't making no more threats
I'm doing drive-bys in tinted Corvettes on Vietnam War vets
I'm more or less sick in the head
Maybe more 'cause I smoked crack
Today, yesterday, and the day before
Saboteur, walk the block with a Labrador
Strap with more coral for war than El Salvador
Foul style galore
Verbal cow manure
Coming together like the eyebrown on Al B. Sure
It's only fair to warn I was born
With a set of horns
And metaphors attached to my damn umbilical cord
Warlord of rap that'll bush you with a two-by-four board
And smashed into your Honda Accord
With a four-door Ford
But I'm more towards droppin' an a cappella
That's choppin' a fella into mozzarella
Worse than a hellacopta propella
Got you locked in the cella'
With your skeleton showing
Developing anorexia
While I'm standin' next to ya
Eating a full-course meal watching you starve to death
With an IV in your veins Feeding you liquif Darvocet
Pumpin you full of drugs
Pull the plugs
On the gunshot victims full of bullet slugs
Who were picked up in an ambulance
And driven
To Receiving with the asses ripped outta they pants
And given
A less than 20 percent chance
Of living
Have a possible placement
As a hospital patient
Storing the dead bodies in Grandma's little basement
Dr. Kevorkian has arrived
To perfom an autopsy on you while you scream ?I'M STILL ALIVE!?
Driving a rustly scalpel in through the top of your scalp
And pulling your Adam's apple out through your mouth
Better call the fire departement
I've hired an arson
To set fire to the carpet
And burn up your entire apartament
I'm a liar that starts shit
Got your bitch wrapped around my dick
So tight you need a crowbar to pry her apart wit'

[Unscarred]

As The World Turns

I don't know why this world keep turning
Round and Round
But I wish it would stop, and let me off right now

Yes man
As the World Turns
We all experience things in life
Trials and Tribulations
That we all must go through
When someone wants to test us
When someone tries our patience

[Eminem]
I hang with a bunch of hippies
and wacky tobacco planters
Who swallow lit roaches
and light up like jack-o-lanterns
Outsiders baby, and we suing the courts
Cause we're dope as fuck and only get a 2 in the source
They never should've booted me out of reform school
Deformed fool,taking a shit in a warm pool
They threw me out the Ramada Inn
I said it wasn't me, I got a twin (Oh my god its you! Not again!)
It all started when my mother took my bike away
Cause I murdered my guinea pig and stuck him in the microwave
After that, It was straight to the 40 ouncers
Slappin teachers, and jacking off in front of my counselors
Class clown freshman, dressed like Les Nessman
Fuck the next lesson, I'll past the test guessing
And all the other kids said Eminem's a dishead,
He'll never last, the only class he'll pass is phys ed
May be true, till I told this bitch in gym class
That she was too fat to swim laps, she needed Slim Fast (Who Me?)
Yeah bitch you so big you walked into big Tanny's and stepped on Jenny Craig
She picked me up to snap me like a skinny twig
Put me in the headlock, then I thought of my guinea pig
I felt the evilness and started transforming (RARRRR!)
It began storming, I heard a bunch of cheering fans swarming
Grabbed that bitch by her hair
Drag her across the ground
And took her up to the highest diving board and tossed her down
Sorry coach, its too late to tell me stop
While I drop this bitch face down and watch her belly flop

[Chorus]

As the World Turns
These are the days of our lives
These are the things that we must go through
Day by day

[Eminem]
We drive around in million dollar sports cars
While little kids hide this tape from their parents like bad report cards
Outsiders, and we suing the courts
Cause we dope as fuck and only get a 2 in The Source
Hypochondriac, hanging out at the laundromat
Where all the raunchy fat white trashy blondes be at
Dressed like a sailor, standing by a pale of garbage
Its almost dark and I'm still tryna nail a trailor park bitch
I met a slut and said "What up, its nice to meet ya"
I'd like to treat ya to a Faygo and a slice of pizza
But I'm broke as fuck and I don't get paid till the first of next month
But if you care to join me, I was bout to roll this next blunt
But I ain't got no weed, no phillies, or no papers
Plus I'm a rapist and a repeated prison escapist
So gimme all your money
And don't try nothing funny
Cause you know your stinking ass is too fat to try to outrun me
I went to grab my gun
That's when her ass put it on me
Wit an uppercut and hit me with a basket of laundry
I fell through the glass doors
Started causing a scene
Then slid across the floor and flew right into a washing machine
Jumped up with a broken back
Thank god I was smocking crack all day
And doped up off coke and smack
All I wanted to do was rape the bitch and snatch her purse
Now I wanna kill her
But so I gotta catch her first
Ran through Rally's parkin lot and took a shortcut
Saw the house she ran up in
And shot her fucking porch up
Kicked the door down to murder this divorced slut
Looked around the room
That's when I seen the bedroom door shut
I know you're in there bitch! I got my gun cocked!
You might as well come out now
She said "Come in, its unlocked!"
I walked in and all I smelled was Liz Claiborne
And seen her spread across the bed naked watching gay porn
She said "Come her big boy, lets get acquainted"
I turned around to run, twisted my ankle and sprained it
She came at me at full speed, nothing could stop her
I shot her five times and every bullet bounced off her
I started to beg "No, please let go"
But she swallowed my fucking leg whole like an egg roll
With one leg left, now I'm hoppin around crippled
I grabbed my pocket knife and sliced off her right nipple
Just trying to buy me some time, then I remembered this magic trick
Den Den Den Den Den Den, Go go gadget dick!
Whipped that shit out, and ain't no doubt about it
It hit the ground and caused an earthquake and power outage
I shouted "Now bitch, lets see who gets the best!"
Stuffed that shit in crooked and fucked that fat slut to death (Ah!! Ah!)
Come here bitch!
Come here!
Take this motherfucking dick!
Bitch, come here!

[Chorus to fade]

And as we go along
Throughout the days of our lives
We all face small obstacles and challenges everyday
That we must go through
These are the things that surround us through our atmosphere
Every day
Every single day the world keeps turning

[ezasspy]

Slim Anus? Yeah, you damn right, Slim Anus
I dont get fucked in mine like you 2 little flaming faggots

[Emadyville]

As the world turns, that whole song basically.

fubba u cubba kooba freestyle, that bush line

purple pills verse

almost all of untitled

second verse of the real slim shady

parts of business "they make it all up there's no such thing, like a female with good looks who cooks and cleans"...."how can one chandra be so levy?"

[VenomBlackViper]

Yo.. yo! (* Eminem hachs up spit *)
Mic check.. (My dick!)
Testing.. one, two (* Eminem hach-spits on mic *)
Ffff-fuck.. (My dick!) My nuts..

My attitude is worse than NWA's was
I'll battle you over stupid shit and diss people
who ain't have shit to do with it, like Cool J does (My tattoo!)
You see me standin outside of your buildin; screamin,
"Puffy is good, (HEY!) but Slim Shady is for the children!" (WAIT!)
I look at my life in a new light -- fuck it
Give me two mics; I write songs for me -- fuck what you like
You're probably hear me rap half-hearted; cause I don't like rap anyway
I'm just tryin to get my porno career started
Every place and event.. +Been There, Done That+
Shit, Dre stuck me in a suitcase when he went
(* zipper sound *) "Come on, let's go!"
Want a deal? Study these 5 chapters
Lesson One: Throw demos as hard as you can at signed rappers
Lesson Two: Face em and diss em (whattup dog?)
Don't give em a demo; kidnap em (I want you to come with me)
and make em come to your basement and listen
(you're gonna fuckin check this out)
Lesson Three: Get a job at a label; switch demos with Canibus
and put yours on the owner's table (here listen!)
Lesson Four: 'Know you heard this before'
"Hey let me get your number; I'll call you tomorrow, for sure!"
Don't act like a fan -- you wanna get signed?
Get the whitest A&R you can find
Pull him aside and rap as wack as you can
Lesson Five: Get a hook-up at Jive
Dress up like I.C.P. and have them come see you perform live
And that's the key, but when you see me on the street; I ain't
givin you shit bitch - don't even bother askin me (get away from me)
Toilet water splashes me right in the ass when I'm spittin
cause I'm always shittin when I'm rappin like Master P (UNNNGGGGH!)
Got a blowjob from Paula Jones, and stuffed it so far in her mouth
my balls broke both of her collarbones (OWW!)
Told Mya this shit was all about me-ah ("It's all about me..")
Gave Alyssa Milano syphillis, mono and gonorrhea ("You're a dick!")
And all three of my main girls said SEE-YA
Cause Brandy and Monica walked in and caught me fuckin Aaliyah
(What? Oh my God!) I splish splash while I'm takin a bath
Grab a handful of pills, break em in half, take em and laugh
White trash -- fuckin your wife in the ass ("Oh! Ooh Shady! Oooh!")
While you're out siphoning gas for your lawnmower to cut the grass

So if I hurt your self-esteem
and you get dissed too bad [Yo why you diss me?]
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad
And when I rap about a buncha shit you wished you had [A big dick!]
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad
"I can't listen to that song, that shit's too sad!"
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad
"He'll never make it, his wrist is slit too bad!" [Nurse! Nurse!]
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad

What a wonderful day; I should go outside and play
Ain't no need to sit inside the house and hibernate
Hi Renee! (Oh hi!) I was just about to toss a live grenade
in your driveway (WHAT?) and drive away (* car peels out *)
Are you afraid of a blade made of a razor with AIDS
Blood drippin from it, rippin your stomach like a paper mache
You talk a lotta shit, but you was never ill though
I'm sick enough to beat you to death with a feather pillow
Tipped over some cows, just for a joke and a laugh (MOOOOO!)
Jumped up, choked a giraffe, snapped his neck and broke it in half
Wagin wars, went on stage and sprayed Cage with +Agent Orange+
And wiped my ass with his page in Source (Here!)
The demon is here, steamin this year
I rip [*Mystikal's*] voicebox out, scream in his ear (AHHHHHH!)
It's not a gimmick bitch, it's an image I live it
Give a fuck? I don't know what a fuck is to give it
"Yeah I don't think this guy is well.." I'm high as hell
I'll beat you with a live cat when I'm swinging him by his tail

[* impersonating Method Man *]
I'll fuckin, I'll fuckin
Lay your nuts on the dresser
Just your nutsack by itself
And bang them shits with a spiked bat
Cut your neck off and sew your head right back
And leave you like that

You just triggered the prick who just mixed liquor
Who's itchin to leave you disfigured and stiffer than Chris-topher
Reeves, I was teething with strep throat
while your mother was breastfeeding
And gave her the flesh-eating disease
I'm iller than takin a hammer and beatin your knees
and walkin through South Central L.A., bleedin in jeans
(Am I a Blood or a Crip?) Wakin up the next day in breathin machines
Flashin back to being shot and repeatin the scenes
on how you just got smoked, and if you do live
You'll be too scared to tell it, like a Biggie and 'Pac joke

So if I hurt your self-esteem and you get dissed too bad
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad
And when I rap about a fat bitch that you wished you had
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad
"I can't listen to that song, that shit's too sad"
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad
"He'll never make it, his wrist is slit too bad"
You know I just be sayin that to get you mad

I know that makes you real mad, don't it? (uh-huh)
That's right, Slim Shady (yup) Sway & Tech
Sprayin wreck (bitch)
And we don't give a heck (uh-uh)
or a damn.. or a fuck.. or a shit
So suck my motherfuckin dick

[mdemaz]

Keepin' it raw,
illegal like maleek n jamal,
i don't believe in the law,
like i'm steven segal,
flippin' off the police while i'm leapin' a wall,
take a buncha tylenol n fall asleep in a mall,
i got yo little son you'll be receivin' a call,
you lucky this lil punk still breathin' at all,
fuck the world this how i get even at ya'll,
pop shit get rolled up n leave in a ball,
i hit you in yo mouth n sink ya teeth in ya jaw,
you won't be able to eat shit, not even a malt,
this lethal assult, is givin' you a reason ta stall,
i'm cockin' this deuce deuce n squeezin' it off,
at the first burp a fart sniffle a sneeze n a cough,
get yur arm chewed off like you was teasin' a dog,
i'm cold enough n hot enough to freeze n unthaw,
i'll kick my girl out in 10 degrees in her bra.

[VenomBlackViper]

I am bored!!!!!
I came in the diner with skateboarders, and placed orders
Ate hors d'oeuvres, and hit the waiter with plate warmers *crash sound*
Let you inhale the glock smell, while I'm rippin your wallet off
and slippin a Molotov in your Cocktail (take that)
Burnin your contracts, punch your A&R in the face *punch sound*
Smash his glasses and turn em to contacts
I'm on some shook shit, if it's missin I took it (whoops!)
Nurse look at this straightjacket, it's crooked!
I go to jail and murder you from a cell
Put a knife in an envelope and have you stabbed in the mail (FedEx)
So how do you describe someone, with a decapitated head
when the rest of his body's still alive RUNNIN?
*yawns* Forget a chorus -- my metaphors are so complicated
it takes six minutes to get applause (yay)
And by the time you all catch on, I'ma end your career
and walk away with the whole floor so you have nothin to fall back on!
I'll throw you off of ten floors .. *AHHHHHHH*
Pull a fuckin headache outta my head, and put it in yours (take this)
I'm indoors, waitin for this acid to seep in my skin pores
to go outdoors and do some in-stores
This bitch wanted to blow me, I said, "It oughta happen.
You swallow cum bitch?" "No, but I brought a napkin"
Gettin skullie while I'm autographin
Got my daughter laughin cause I sent her mother whitewater raftin
I'm not a fact, I'ma proven fear
Mr. Rogers blocked up my U-haul screamin,
"Wait, wait, wait.. you ain't movin here!"
Lorena Bobbitt, c'mere, want a souveneir?
I've been high as fuck, since I was a juvi-neer
Juvenile? Same difference -- I need some 'caine
cause I ain't sniffed since I woke up the seven slain infants
(Oh my God!) Brain implants and they say there's a slim chance
I won't stay the same cause I traded brains with a chimpanz'

[VenomBlackViper]

Add both I'm Shady & Cum On Everybody, everyone knows those so i'm not posting lyrics.

[mdemaz]

Fucking crazy:
Gimme eleven etc etc..

[Wreck]

fubba u cubba koolo freestyle, that bush line
"

he should make a remix to this. fucka u koolo koolo, what did u do do do do? thanks for leakin my shit, you got me jumpin through hula-hula-hula (hoops) to get you outa my bus like luda.

just made that up .

[pHiLLip fARkLe]

i dont rap to get the women, fuck bitches, give me a fat slut that cooks and does dishes.

[NicoleEM]

You wouldn't have Two Pack Shaker,"/"No! That ain't how you say his name, mom!You're so lame,Don't you know anything?"/"Yeah!I know that you'll probably go,and join in a gang,"/"Yeah, right. Im out Where's my fuckin' walkman at?"/"Stop cussin' at me!""Shut up, bitch!"/"And quit talking black!!!."
Well,Slammed the door and I'm out,Now, what?It's probably warm in the house./Fuck,I forgot my jacket,forgot it was winter.I'm gettin' thinner,I'm hungry.Is Mom cookin' dinner?"
The whole "Our house" track is hilarious but the first verse always cracks me up
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_cjZpKmZVY

[nathan123]

Made it home, later that same day
Started reading a comic, and suddenly everything became gray
I couldn't even see what I was tryin to read
I went deaf, and my left ear started to bleed
My mother started screamin, "What are you on, drugs?!?
Look at you, you're gettin blood all over my rug!" (Sorry!)
She beat me over the head with the remote control
opened a hole, and my whole brain fell out of my skull
I picked it up and screamed, "Look bitch, what have you done?!?"
[M] "Oh my God, I'm sorry son"
[E] "Shut up you cunt!" I said, "Fuck it!"
Took it and stuck it back up in my head
then I sewed it shut and put a couple of screws in my neck

[NicoleEM]

@venomblackviperyo what song is that from i can't put my finger on it

[TheRealFatShady]

Look! Two peas and a tripod!