Eedee - Ghosts (Beat by: BumShiv)

[Eedee]

Hey! This one is a Relapse style freestyle-ish horrorcore song over top of an awesome dark beat that's so simple it works by BumShiv. It has somewhat of an accent, but hopefully nothing that'll make your ears cringe. I'm looking of feedback for the lyrics more or less! Thanks!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwUQNtZgqlI

Trick or treat, motherfucker, yeah knock on the door,
Pick up your feet, little bitch or you might squeak on the floor.
She might hear you coming to strangle her neck,
If you want tickets to the show, go to Fandango and check,
For the 2 AM showing of you gettin' murdered,
Blood gore mayhem is all part of the peckin' order.
This borders on the sick and twisted the torture,
I've got you cornered now, bind you up in the orchard,
stick an apple in your mouth so you can't make a sound,
I cackle when your life flashes, go to Seattle to buy a couch,
The shackles do a little jingle when the bad battle starts,
You're tied up an axel, blood squirts like shrapnel to the heart.

I'm a like a ghost when I hide in your corner and you,
Scares you the most, I hate to boast, but I'm scary it's true.
I'm your conscience speaking and I'm coming to haunt youuu!
Just kidding, I'm a killer and guess what? I want you!
You're looking pale too hun, I'm just coming to nail you,
I'm waiting in the shadows but you hear me exhale, (ooh)!
It derails your train of thought, in the dark and you scream,
I take this butcher knife straight thru your heart and it bleeds.
That's one down, your little friend is upstairs, I heard her.
Cut her in thirds, hurt her, grill her up and make a burger.
Cut off her left and right butt cheeks and make it my bun,
Drain her brain matter with some vodka then shake it up some.
Yes I'm a cannibal some call me an animal,
I'm mechanical too, I can do things intangible,
Like laugh maniacal, it comes from my mandible,
I eat my ladies with lettuce, also botanical.

Take me back to the place I wanna be,
Tie you up gently then want to see you scream,
There's nothing more I want than to see you be dead,
It'll happen in due time, bitch, you heard what I said?
I'm a little motherfucker who takes pleasure in this,
I'm bitter when I don't kill, never forever in bliss,
They say ignorance is bliss, so I don't wanna know ya!
Don't wanna bone ya, I just wanna naw on your bone, (ya)!
You better Stay Wide Awake this has shades of Shady,
I'm so nervous for this kill that the blades are shaky,
you're scared, shake like the quakes of Haiti,
Come lady hastily, to the place and maybe,
I'll fucking spare you, space you take is weighty,
I'll kill you and chop you up into pieces: eighty.
Set this place ablaze, burn you without a trace, I'm crazy.
Crazy... Crazy...

Link of Feed: viewtopic.php?f=38&t=123542

[Oguchi]

The beat is as you say simple but works, it certainly suited the content anyway.
On a whole the lyrics are pretty good, my favourite line was "I eat my ladies with lettuce, also botanical".
The accent was a bit much though, in the third verse you pronounced pieces as paces which I found sort of annoying, but that's a minor complaint.
Overall keep up the good work.

[BumShiv]

Great work bro Thanks for using my beat

[Eedee]

Thanks guys!!
Question. Does the volume sound off to you guys? I think the vocals need to be louder, they get drowned out sometimes by the beat and you can't hear what I'm saying...

[Joel Venom]

to be honest, it sounded like their was no emotion in this track what so ever, what you need to do is better your delivery and try to go on beats with more feeling in them. that way your energy levels are high. and also pump up the volume a bit.

[Eedee]

Thanks for the replies, guys.

I'm gonna play around with it or just have my producer mix the vocals haha.

[Solace]

There are 3 major flaws in this.

1. Flow
Extremely choppy. Many awkward pauses between syllables. That'll come along though so whatever. No biggie.

I'm a like a ghost when I hide in your corner and you,
Scares you the most, I hate to boast, but I'm scary it's true.

Was probably the best flow on this track.

2. Delivery
You sounded bored, more like if you were listening to a song and going along with it instead of being the song itself. Along with that, when you did the accent it was done badly. I'd say stick with your own voice. Like listening to you say "huuuurt her grill her up and make a buuuuuuurga".

3. Style
You tried to entirely copy Eminem on Relapse. You wrote lyrics that you could imagine him saying, and then you tried to copy the accent. You need to do you, Eedee, not Eminem.

Your quality/mixing seems fine. Maybe a bit empty, I'd say experiment with dubbing, overlays and adlibs. Especially an adlib as the "(ooh!)" would've worked well. Oh and the volume of the vocals were fine to me. Also the punch in was obvious, work on those haha. Overall, you've got a way to go but a lot of potential. Just work with your own style, lyrics, voice, and stay away from copying someone else.

[Eedee]

Nope, not too harsh. Perfect criticism and what I'm looking for!!

Basically anything I rap over that's not a Thomas Swanson beat is just for fun.
Flow sucked? Mkay. I'll try to fix in later songs.
Delivery... Yeah, I agree wholeheartedly with that one. I was just so focused on keeping with the beat, I guess, I forgot what I needed to do.
Style... Yes. I want him to rap this, not me haha.
And I didn't master the vocals at all. Except for the "crazy... crazy..." part at the end which I just lowered the pitch and I was proud of myself for figuring out how to do that (you see, I'm not what you'd call a computer software guru I just write lyrics...)

Anyway, this was just for fun. Practice, I guess. And this criticism will help me on my next songs! So it's alllll good.

Thanks for the feedback and YOU, sir, keep being awesome.

[Solace]

I will

I'll keep checking out on your progress too, 'cause I want to collab with you when you improve

[Eedee]

Sweet! That would be actually an honor.

What would you consider improvement? Just flow and delivery?

[Solace]

Flow is definitely more important than delivery (some may beg to differ) but a smooth flow, a decent rhyme scheme, and even with a monotone delivery you can sound dope. If you had perfect delivery and a shitty flow you'd sound bad still. And if you tried working on both of them at the same time it's difficult. So tackle one thing at a time.

[B.A.D.]

i was convinced I posted on this lol

here goes:

I hurd this beat from Bruv Before, I thought he was gonna fix it. beat needs work.
The lyrics are dope, but you gotta concentrate in the overall delivery, you sound like nervous, need more emotion, because you have the passion there, but Presence, thats what I'm talking about. Make love to the microphone haha.

I also, don't recomend using styles from other rappers cuz that takes much from you. But well, I did liked it, it was pretti funny and interesting, but just work on the artistic part of hip hop.

[Eedee]

Thanks Big Ax-D!

This was more just practice and a fun side project to work on

[Hybrid]

Vocals sound low on headphones but loud on my monitors. This track is pretty good just you need to lower the vocals and add a duplicate track of your vocals and then add EQ. from there just balance the volume It should sound clearer and have a little more vibe into it.
Lyrics are great ! Beat sounds like it could use more work. Vocals sound plain right now but if you mix it up with eq it should sound straight.

Keep up the good work