Changed - TripleNineThree ft. J. Phil

[TripleNineThree]

Hey guys, just wanted to share this song (mainly for the benefit of my friend). This is his first time recording and he just started writing lyrics. Do you guys mind dropping some constructive feedback? I'm also gonna talk him into joining the forum because this forum has really helped me grow as an artist.

LoF - viewtopic.php?f=38&t=151768
Song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JN9Ba9ul ... ture=share

The songs not done yet but I am on the hook and first verse. He is on the 2nd verse. Lyrics are in the video

[Eedee]

I'm taking a break from recording at the moment, but I'll leave some detailed feed when I get home in a few hours, bro!

[TripleNineThree]

Thanks man!

[Eedee]

Here's my feed.

I'll keep yours' brief since you know what's up already haha. You had nice rhyming, definitely stepping your game up on that end. Love it!

The chorus, I'd change that a bit. You seem disinterested and the flow is off; you pause and awkward places, try to fit some more syllables in there? Especially on the last line.

For the new dude to this:

Lyrics: Message was there, I can definitely see that. Rhyming was simplistic but you can't really expect much from a new guy like this, so I won't hold him to that.

Delivery: Seemed timid like he's embarrassed to be rapping. I was the same way. Feels like he's just reading off the page. Stand up tall, put emotion into it! It'd also help if he changed his flow and fit more syllables into his bars. He has these awkward pauses and whatnot when he's rapping to try to fit his words into the bars, like he elongates some parts of the words to fit the snare (at least he knows where to hit haha). Anyway, yeah. Try to teach him to make his rhymes and flow more fluid on top of the beat, he's very choppy and robotic.

Yeah, fix that chorus a bit, put more energy into it and help the other guy through his flow a bit and this song will be dope!

[TripleNineThree]

Thanks for the indepth feedback man! As for the hook, I was unable to choose the beat and I'm not the best at writing hooks unless I really feel the beat but I will work on it. I think J. Phil made an account here so he will also appreciate the feedback. Thanks again bro!