Eedee - "Listen" (DEMO)

[Eedee]

*Prod. by MickeyMontz
*Demo (RAW VOCALS)

LoF
YouTube Link

*Basically I'm looking for critique on the flow/rhymes... is this good enough to actually make it an official track? Sorry for quality, but it IS a demo after all. Delivery will be better too on actual song if I make it. I wrote this and recorded within an hour... so sorry if I can't see past if it's shitty lol. I was in a zone. Thanks guys. Appreciate the feedback.



[Verse 1: Eedee]
I was inspired to write this cuz I saw your face
Or at least that's what it seemed like, not a trace
Of resemblence was there, my mind was playing tricks
I even got out a peep although I tried to say it quick.
It got me thinkin' of how your life is doing now,
While I'm all bent out of shape, I think of you and how
You got over me so fast and now you're holding hands
With some other dude who's not me, the tears are blowing past.
Rollin' down my cheeks, now it seems that my smile wide
Quivers from the fact that my face just hides the lie
That your boyfriend got ways so deservin' of you
My voice sends shockwaves and they're hurtin' you too.
The words are running out my mouth, I'm coming to terms
That my speech can hurt us both, yeah, and some of 'em burn.
Must be the fire inside of me, the demon controls
Not many people have known, I have this evil: behold.

[Chorus: Eedee]
See my grip is something I couldn't do,
I apologize for everything that I ever put you through.
Listen... the fact that I'm sad
Doesn't change the fact that the past is the past.

[Verse 2: Eedee]
The truth is hard to bare, I can't really face it,
I put such an angel in a bad situation.
Now she's stuck between a rock and a hard place,
Havin' to choose between her god and her star's face
It's hard, babe, and you did what was right
It hurt me fucking bad, but, love, it is your life.
When it comes down to it, you stuck to your core
And your belief system is your fucking support.
You accepted me more - for a while at least,
Until you realized your dreams of what you're dying to see
My conversion to your faith was harder than it looked,
And I ridiculed your savior, yeah, the martyr in the book.
I was too selfish, went inducin' the pain
And I was too blind to look at the truth in the face.
Between the sobs, you heard me holler, yell,
Now I fuckin' realize that I brought this on myself...

[Bridge: Eedee]
Everything is raining down...
So I think I better say this now.
I'm sorry for all the shit I said,
And I'm sorry I got in your head...
If there was a god damn button to rewind
I'd go erase it all so there was nothin' in my eye.
But something's in my mind, I can't deny this
I hurt the very girl your mom and dad supplied with.
And all this time I made you out as the shit one,
I've come to terms that that I needed a pick-up.
I turned to rap to help vent out my thoughts
I couldn't really care whether you're down or not.
Now my frown has stopped and it turns into a smile
Cuz the sudden realization that I'm missing you while
I dial your number and I ask you a Q,
Because just yesterday that's the last thing I'd do.

[PAINKILLƎR]

I really liked the lyrics, rhymes were tight. If you can try to improve the way you deliver the chorus. I think the song is great and I think it's more than good enough to make it an official track. Idk I just really liked it.

[Eedee]

Thanks man. How about the flow? Was everything good or is there some things I could change? I really want this track to be as flawless as possible so any help is appreciated.

And as for the chorus, yeah, I'ma layer the chorus and whatnot. It'll sound better. :3

[PAINKILLƎR]

Let me give it a few more listens and try to pinpoint flaws. I'll let you now in a bit.

[Eedee]

Cheers dude. Appreciate the help.

[12characters]

Wow, you're sounding a lot better.

[Eedee]

Wow, you're sounding a lot better.

I'll take that as the flow is good enough?

[mdemaz]

Really well-written.

I dunno how you manage to constantly write stuff like this without running out of ideas.

[Eedee]

Really well-written.

I dunno how you manage to constantly write stuff like this without running out of ideas.

A perpetual well of sorrow, sadness, and depression.

[12characters]

Wow, you're sounding a lot better.

I'll take that as the flow is good enough?

Yeah and your voice is a lot more enjoyable to listen to.

[Eedee]

Wow, you're sounding a lot better.

I'll take that as the flow is good enough?

Yeah and your voice is a lot more enjoyable to listen to.

Interesting! I thought my voice was a bit high pitched and whiny on this demo. I was going to change it a bit on the official release but should I stick with this voice?

[12characters]

I'll take that as the flow is good enough?

Yeah and your voice is a lot more enjoyable to listen to.

Interesting! I thought my voice was a bit high pitched and whiny on this demo. I was going to change it a bit on the official release but should I stick with this voice?

I didn't mean any specific tone or anything. I meant it's a lot more... consistent? You kept the same enjoyable tone for the most part and when you did switch it up, it was pretty smooth.

[Hansen]

I enjoyed it alot, well written and not just another washed-up breakup story. And fuck it, I even connected with some of it. You should work on your breathing though (but I understand its just demo).

[AbramIsaac]

I know this is a demo, so I'll just point out a thing or two you might look at when you re-do it.

The flow is off a lot. I'm sure you know this though...anyway, in several places, you're sort of stretching your words out to make the bar end on the snare. Or you're compressing the delivery, speeding it up after a slower delivery to make it fit. Then of course, at the end, without the drums to guide you, I'm almost certain you lose the beat. The melody no longer matches up with your delivery. The chorus is also off in terms of delivery.

Anyway, I do think it's worth making properly. Demaz came out with a decent beat for you, and the content seems to be up to par compared to your other work. If recorded properly--like you usually do--I'm sure this will be another good one.

[Eedee]

I can see where I hold a word or something, but I don't think it's that big of a deal, really. Sometimes you need to emphasize a word though, maybe I just do it naturally and don't really think about it.

And as for the bridge, it'll be easy to move the vocals to line up to the melody.