Eedee - "Trickling Blood" [DEMO]

[Eedee]

LoF


AUDIO DEMO

So I recorded this demo for this song I'm writing... I need to know if you guys feel it. Flow/rhyming/timing is what I'm looking for. When I actually go in to record in the studio (this was in my dorm), my voice will be better, as well as my delivery. So basically the writing of this as well as the flow is what I'm looking for help on. Do you guys feel it, or no? Thanks!

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[Verse 1] (:37)
Through the crack of the door I see an arm drop
You are back here for more, I feel my heart stop.
But everytime I go around the middle man, I get these thoughts
That we are the fucking worst, cuz we keep on
Doing this, moving bricks, but ask me if I fucking care
It's useless to keep trying, but there's nothing there.
There's nothing to feel as I see the fingers lash out
And hit the floor with lifeless intent, it's a glass house.
Do I back out? Who the FUCK do I ask now?
I rap 'bout my feelings but EVERYONE seems to bash how
I scatter the images of the pictures and I see things
I'm dreaming of the dignity I have left to leave with.
The door creaks, and more dreams fill my aching head
But my sanity's expelled in this wave of dread.
But as I see the wrist droop, it's you who comes with it
The pain I whistle is in tune... the blood trickles.

[Tash8]

the flow is pretty solid for the most part though i think you slip here
"
Doing this, moving bricks, but ask me if I fucking care
It's useless to keep trying, but there's nothing there."

i really enjoyed this part right here
"There's nothing to feel as I see the fingers lash out
And hit the floor with lifeless intent, it's a glass house.
Do I back out? Who the FUCK do I ask now?
I rap 'bout my feelings but EVERYONE seems to bash how"

as for the delivery, I hope in the studio you sound a little darker to match the beat more. can't wait to hear the full version man.

[Eedee]

Yeah I felt like I slip a little there too. I feel an extra syllable in the second bar will really help out.

And yeah, my delivery will be dark and intense, no worries. I was going for flow only anyway on this demo!

Thanks