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Fun and Games [WIP]

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Fun and Games [WIP]

Postby Copper » Nov 25th, '14, 17:55

Feedback Link: viewtopic.php?f=38&t=174921&p=2861783#p2861783

So...Here's the thing.

The song isn't completely finished, and the reason I'm posting a work in progress for feedback is because every time I try to write something, I stop halfway and hit a wall.

I've been trying to work on wordplay and things like that, but I've been struggling. So I figured I'd post what I have and get some feedback, then go back and use it to perfect and finish the song.

Here's the first verse: https://soundcloud.com/copperhead-2/ori ... -and-games

Lyrics:

Fun and Games

[Verse One]
I rhyme like a board game
Flat out and right in front of you
I flow like a chess match, check, your mate's
No longer next to you
I stole your girlfriend
Right from underneath your nose
Gonna beat it up and eat it up
Like Hungry Hungry Hippos
You think you're leader of the rap game
You call it a Monopoly
Well I'm climbing up the ladder too,
And there's no chute to topple me
I've got a bit of an ego
I'll be the first to admit
You can chase me all you want
But when I tag you, you're shit
If you need an Operation,
I'm the guy you wanna call
I specialize in broken bones
And the rap game took a fall
By now you're probably saying,
"Man, what's all this for, dude?
Why's this white boy rapping?"
Well, let me Connect it 4 you
Growing up I was picked on
Now I got the means to fight back
It's all fun and games,
Until the dog decides to bite back
I rap because I want to
And it gives me the chance
To say goodbye to all the fiends
And hello to all the fans

Thanks for any feedback!
Copper
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Re: Fun and Games [WIP]

Postby KingKailez » Nov 26th, '14, 01:58

You have a rhyme scheme which is good. It's just the way you present your bars its kinda goes off beat at time. keep up the good work
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Re: Fun and Games [WIP]

Postby Copper » Nov 27th, '14, 00:20

KingKailez wrote:You have a rhyme scheme which is good. It's just the way you present your bars its kinda goes off beat at time. keep up the good work


Hey, man. Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, I do kinda struggle with keeping on beat. I also need to find a way to switch up the flow without running into that issue.
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Re: Fun and Games [WIP]

Postby KingKailez » Nov 28th, '14, 00:51

Copper wrote:
KingKailez wrote:You have a rhyme scheme which is good. It's just the way you present your bars its kinda goes off beat at time. keep up the good work


Hey, man. Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, I do kinda struggle with keeping on beat. I also need to find a way to switch up the flow without running into that issue.


No problem bro
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Re: Fun and Games [WIP]

Postby Mr.DGAF » Nov 28th, '14, 22:12

I like your voice, it's really charismatic. But idk, the flow is a problem. You rush some syllables to fit the bar and stretch others. Just work on straightening the flow out, then becoming more diverse with the flows will come naturally.
You'd be surprised...
How many truths you can hide in flows

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