my first song

[Slim Zaddy]

okay its' not perfect ,, it's the first time i sing on mic , so be easy on me , but i want honest feed ,
and i use eminem rap game beat , it's just i want to see how i can sing over it ,, i wrote this to my girl ..

http://www.zshare.net/audio/617492438e8f3b68/

i have given you everything you need , everything you want , everything you wish,
I have given you everything, from love to care till u can smell my love for you in the air
I have giving you everything from my heart, passion, romance, and much more
I care for you more than I care for my world, and what I gain is only pain and sore
You want us to be friends , then we are , live your life , I will live mine ,
It’s up to you to love someone else , me too , you don’t want us to be combined
Love can’t be forced , sorry it was my mistake , I know , don’t blame yourself
I’m the one to blame , you don’t want to be in love , I do , so I blame myself
I will focus on my carrier now , I will keep going on like nothing went wrong
But I don’t know why you don’t love me , maybe to you I don’t belong ,
You’re the only girl I fall in love with , you’re the only one my heart had picks ,
I was the only one building bricks thinking of letting our love to rest in a room,
where to start where to go just there , warming it , growing it , let let bloom,
I don’t know yet , maybe I’m a fool , cuz I think maybe that you’re in love with me too
I hope this shit ain’t true , I don’t want it to ruin my mood , damn I have no clue
I will just take my love , my passion , my emotions, everything I have giving you ,
I will walk away on my road , maybe someday I will met someone , who will takes me as her own,
I won’t be alone , I wont feel in pain anymore , I wont feel anything at all , that’s a word
You know why , cuz you don’t , and why should I hurt myself or feel sorry to you ,, ,,,,
where you doesn’t feel sorry for me ,, why should I hurt myself when you don’t want me
there is a lot of fish in the sea , so that’s not the end of life for me , still I’m here still I’m Z
still there’re many chicks who are looking at me , flirting with me , later get committed to me
so life doesn’t end here as you could see , it only end where me and my soul are resting in peace
it’s a fate where we all bow down to it & agree, but me and u it’s a decisionbut you choose 2 leave
so I had to pull my sleeve & leaveI don’t want to see your tears & don’t think that I may go weak
enough is enough , live your life and do your usual staff , we don’t know what’s behind fate ,
maybe you are meant to love somebody who’s great , better than me , so do it b4 it’s late,
and if you do , just tell me , i promise you that I will be happy for you , you still my best ,
but not meant to live in my nest , I don’t hate you , I hate myself , cuz I was obsessed,
remember we still friends , I wont forget you , if you need any help I’m still here

[°[~CHR!$~]°]

1st your lines were way too long..short 'em down....so you can get a lil feel for flow
2nd yeah flow....due your structure you rushed a lot of words...which was
3rd pronouncation has a lot of room for improvement there..
4th delievery seems monotone like you always used the same tones and it wasnt energetic(or emotional) at all
yeah way to go.... keep practising and use the feed you get here

[Slim Zaddy]

1st your lines were way too long..short 'em down....so you can get a lil feel for flow
2nd yeah flow....due your structure you rushed a lot of words...which was
3rd pronouncation has a lot of room for improvement there..
4th delievery seems monotone like you always used the same tones and it wasnt energetic(or emotional) at all
yeah way to go.... keep practising and use the feed you get here

thanks bro ,, i know i hve many problems , cuz it's the 1st time i'm over the mic .. yeah you right ,, my lines were too long ,, i will take ya feed to heart , and next time i will work on it .. ... thanks again ,,

[neversnooze]

well Z,

for your first attempt it takes alot of balls and manning up to make a song so propz on that but you do have alot of flaws. well reading the lyrics you do have rhyme and multies. As i listened to your song, the flow and deliverey was way off. in addition you had no energy to a hype beat.

TIP: when you use a beat like rap game, think of something painful or something that makes you angry and then get on the mic and spit. by doing this we may hear more emotion from your voice

for first attempt 4/10

[James R.]

Holy shiiiiiiiiiiiiit dude.

Man even in creative writing those lines would have been way too long. Most of your problems stem from the line length. The flow mainly. If you could get down to more manageable lines, like 12-15 syllables, you'd be able to flow on a beat much MUCH easier and that would improve this song like a mother *shut yo mouf*

Lyrically it was cool, but you need to work on your clarity. It was hard to understand what you were saying, but again with those super long lines and way off flow that doesn't surprise me at all. You might want to try memorizing it and spitting it to yourself as clearly as you possibly can just to get used to making an effort to be clear ya know?

Now for the delivery. Well there really wasn't any. You just said the lines. There was literally no emotion of fluctuation in your voice and it made the song less enjoyable to listen to. Just spit it like it means something to you man. That's all you gotta do.

Shorten those lines and work on your flow and clarity before anything else. Then get your delivery together. If you stick with audio and really take the advice to heart you'll be sittin pretty in no time homie.

[threeandtwenty]

the drum beat is waaay too fast for your kind of rhyme structure.figure out the periord of repetetion and fit rhyming words within that.delivery could be better,more emotion...sounds like you did a first take recording.
you also need to emphasize the rhyming words a lot more...like toward the end you rhymed live in my nest with hate myself...but that rhyme would have slipped past some because you said it with no stress on either word.
keep at it yo

[Slim Zaddy]

well Z,

for your first attempt it takes alot of balls and manning up to make a song so propz on that but you do have alot of flaws. well reading the lyrics you do have rhyme and multies. As i listened to your song, the flow and deliverey was way off. in addition you had no energy to a hype beat.

TIP: when you use a beat like rap game, think of something painful or something that makes you angry and then get on the mic and spit. by doing this we may hear more emotion from your voice

for first attempt 4/10

hahaha , you want something violence then ,, ok, let collab and do it then and thanks for the critic ,,

Holy shiiiiiiiiiiiiit dude.

Man even in creative writing those lines would have been way too long. Most of your problems stem from the line length. The flow mainly. If you could get down to more manageable lines, like 12-15 syllables, you'd be able to flow on a beat much MUCH easier and that would improve this song like a mother *shut yo mouf*

Lyrically it was cool, but you need to work on your clarity. It was hard to understand what you were saying, but again with those super long lines and way off flow that doesn't surprise me at all. You might want to try memorizing it and spitting it to yourself as clearly as you possibly can just to get used to making an effort to be clear ya know?

Now for the delivery. Well there really wasn't any. You just said the lines. There was literally no emotion of fluctuation in your voice and it made the song less enjoyable to listen to. Just spit it like it means something to you man. That's all you gotta do.

Shorten those lines and work on your flow and clarity before anything else. Then get your delivery together. If you stick with audio and really take the advice to heart you'll be sittin pretty in no time homie.

damn bro ,, you gived me an advice on writing and still i'm working on it till now bro ,, i will always take critics to heart ,, we are here to improve , so i dont you guys to tell me it's good when it's sucks ,, and thanks for the long and amazing feed , i will work on it ,, man,, and i will improve myself on my next track ,,

the drum beat is waaay too fast for your kind of rhyme structure.figure out the periord of repetetion and fit rhyming words within that.delivery could be better,more emotion...sounds like you did a first take recording.
you also need to emphasize the rhyming words a lot more...like toward the end you rhymed live in my nest with hate myself...but that rhyme would have slipped past some because you said it with no stress on either word.
keep at it yo

nice ideas pal ,, thanks ,, these we're not on my mind ,, so thanks bro ,, much appreciated for the feed ,,

i don't know, but i love your voice man, no homo lol, thought it was very smooth i enjoyed it .. !!

hahahahha , it's okay SLMacDougall , glad you liked my voice ,, and so happy you enjoyed ,,