The TRshady Forum became read-only in December 2014. The 10 year history will live on, in this archive.
Continue the discussion with the new home for the Eminem and Hip Hop discussion: HipHopShelter.com.

Your very first TRShady submission

Your very first TRShady submission

Postby SliK » Aug 13th, '12, 02:36

In this thread you post your very first TRShady submission to the written section. Here you can critique it and people (yourself included) can say what they want. I think this is a pretty good way of gauging what we have improved on and what we still need to improve. I see people get better and better and don't offer much feedback because I don't really have much time these days. It could also be funny because a lot of first drops are pretty bad, no offense, and it could be funny to go back and laugh at them/see how much we've improved as writers. It would be cool to get some of the really experienced writers to go back through their post history and let us see what they think of their first drops. Fill out the following information, too:

Date Written
Date Dropped
Age when written

EG

Date Written: Nov '09
Date Dropped: Jan '10
Age When Written: 20

SliK - Violently Ill wrote:I'm Violently Ill so I'll Silently kill
your microphone skill without telling you what for/
get me a doctor, barracade the locked door/
i need to be stopped or you're gonna get stomped on/
flow cold when I rap, it's a fact, I freeze venues/
lyrics so phat, that they fap, to pizza menues/
ThundaKat, just sit back, royalthugz will end you/
but relax, you aint wack, hope I don't offend you/
on some real shit though, your words are tight/
never know which flow you bring to the mic/
either a wick slow burning to a stick of dynamite/
or a skitso screamin "i ain't tryin'a bite!"/
This shit I write like woolworths express/
from pen to pad in 7 minutes or less/
so don't expect my best, let me stress my next point/
when i roll this next joint/ i'm gonna make a mess/
like at a party, drinking less than you'd expect/
but smoking lots of cess, searchin for some sex/
see a pretty bitch who only looks half dressed/
walk up to her, just to woo her, compliment her new hair/
like "you there, cute as pooh bear, come party with me new years"/
take her back to my place, burst in the door,
shirts on the floor, more heat than the first world war/
back when napalm was used, stay calm, not confused/
there's no harm in abuse, but she's hardly amused/
talkin of which; i've been stalkin a bitch/
firing voodoo curses like a witch doctors uzi/
exiling you to hearses like a hitchcock movie/
defiling all your verses like misquoting scripture/
a thousand words of mine are better than a picture


Although I feel there are some good lines and some good rhymes the structure and flow were pretty off. At this stage I didn't know much about flow and certainly didn't have a clue about transitional rhymes. Some lines are cool but stick out (in a bad way) because they're out of place. I didn't know that a standard verse was 16 bars so I just went in lol. I think the biggest improvement I have made is transitional rhymes, my pieces flow a lot smoother because I try to help the flow using the rhyme scheme and count my syllables carefully.

Note: I am not looking for feedback for my piece. Feed if you want but this post is not an excuse for me to get feed for an old piece. If you only want to post without offering a coment on someone else or their work - that's fine

I had a quick search but didn't see a post like this, if it has been done before then I'm sorry. I thought it would be cool, so share the link? :b: And if nobody else is interested let it fall through the floor :p
SliK
Under The Influence
Under The Influence
 
Posts: 4980
Joined: Dec 17th, '09, 06:03

Re: Your very first TRShady submission

Postby J.R. » Aug 13th, '12, 05:32

Date written: July 13th, 11
Date dropped: Varies on the forum, but the 23rd
On my true love, TR<3
Age when written: 15
Link~ viewtopic.php?f=24&t=120043


J.R. wrote:Track 2 off my new album, Live It up.
Here also.: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread. ... ost8194305
A Hurt So Rare..

(Verse 1)
Yo, They say lyrical genius is missing in modern day rap,
I disagree, My rhymes are hotter than a sun-burnt snatch!
Speaking of that, some shit needs to get off my back,
This girl I know said she could easily replace my ass,
In her head I guess im placing last,
Laying in a bed, checking my heart monitor, yeah it's racing fast,
It's going faster the closer you approach,
You strangle me and it feels like there's a noose around my throat,
But do you let go? Or show mercy? Nope!
Who decided on this, I never put in my vote!

(Chorus)
A hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong,
A Hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong.

(Bridge)
So much pain
Suffering,
Rougher than,
Nothing to gain,
But I'll tough it man,
Safe to say,
This wasn't my plan,
Didn't map out total suffering.

(Verse 2)
When I first thought about love, I was excited,
And her? Her life was great, using people, breaking hearts,
She found me useful, I guess she became delighted,
When she found she could use me, I was the target mark,
Then she broke my heart, tore it apart like glass,
Thought I was first at the start, now? I'm in last..

(Chorus)
A hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong,
A Hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong.
Last edited by J.R. on Aug 13th, '12, 06:56, edited 1 time in total.
Image
User avatar
J.R.
Renegade
Renegade
 
Posts: 2045
Joined: May 8th, '11, 18:38
Gender: Male

Re: Your very first TRShady submission

Postby Eedee » Aug 13th, '12, 06:39

Date Written: May 7th, 2011
Date Dropped: August 13th, 2011 (damn almost a year ago!)
Age: 16
Title: N/A
Link: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122046

I remember being an egotistical little prick back then thinking this was a good verse. It's not. It's pure shit. :facepalm

But damn. Reading that and reading my shit I write now... damn I've become loads better.


Some of my friends took notice that I never laughed or smiled,
I tell them "shit's not funny when you don't wanna be alive"
That sobered them up, took heed to my words immediately,
"Fuck that emo bitch" and they just stopped talking to me.
So I just got through the day and got home, pushed my dog aside,
Went upstairs to my room, sat there and just cried.
I cannot describe the feelings of pain if I tried,
I'm doing my best to rap it but nothing seems to apply.
I'd somehow fall asleep and my mind would just subscribe,
to fucking up my life and make me feel even worse just overnight.
I'd take a fucking shower with no interest in life,
I couldn't get out of it no matter what a doc would prescribe.
How could I explain that I fucking cut myself with glass?
How can I complain when the pain was barely enough to mask?
Whatever the day contained I didn't care either way,
A car crash would be quaint or being run over by a train.
The winter wind blows and nips at my fucking face while,
I FUCKING hate this place, death dwarfs it by a mile.
It's a pain in the ass to force a smile at school,
Otherwise faggots in class will ask "What's up with this fool?"
Guess I confided too much, got sent straight to the office,
Got told off for being suicidal like I was a fucking novice.
They even called my mom and told her her son's depressed.
"You better hug him more, your parenting's not impressing us"
I told my mom not to worry, it was just my fucking bitch ex,
Who sent me to rot in hell, this perpetual dark-ness.
It was thanks to rap that slowly I became aware,
That life was full of joy I just had to stand up and stare,
and for the first time in my life, I burst into a smile,
I swear to God I won't EVER fall back again, this shit is SO worthwhile...
Last edited by Eedee on Aug 13th, '12, 06:40, edited 1 time in total.
Image
mdemaz wrote:dam
User avatar
Eedee
Eye-Raping-Fudgepop
Eye-Raping-Fudgepop
 
Posts: 11719
Joined: Aug 7th, '11, 06:11
Location: Free food
Gender: Male

Re: Your very first TRShady submission

Postby Eedee » Aug 13th, '12, 06:41

Geno wrote:
Eedee wrote:I remember being an egotistical little prick back then thinking this was a good verse. It's not. It's pure shit. :facepalm

Shots fired?!?!


Unfortunately for myself back then, almost... :(
Image
mdemaz wrote:dam
User avatar
Eedee
Eye-Raping-Fudgepop
Eye-Raping-Fudgepop
 
Posts: 11719
Joined: Aug 7th, '11, 06:11
Location: Free food
Gender: Male

Re: Your very first TRShady submission

Postby J.R. » Aug 13th, '12, 06:55

Not sure, but I think he was jokingly referring to you using ego in your sentence.


Even though he's washed up. You'd win. Doooooo it
Image
User avatar
J.R.
Renegade
Renegade
 
Posts: 2045
Joined: May 8th, '11, 18:38
Gender: Male

Re: Your very first TRShady submission

Postby Eedee » Aug 13th, '12, 06:59

J.R. wrote:Not sure, but I think he was jokingly referring to you using ego in your sentence.


Even though he's washed up. You'd win. Doooooo it


:facepalm @ me haha
Image
mdemaz wrote:dam
User avatar
Eedee
Eye-Raping-Fudgepop
Eye-Raping-Fudgepop
 
Posts: 11719
Joined: Aug 7th, '11, 06:11
Location: Free food
Gender: Male

Re: Your very first TRShady submission

Postby SliK » Aug 13th, '12, 12:57

J.R. wrote:Track 2 off my new album, Live It up.
Here also.: http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread. ... ost8194305
A Hurt So Rare..

(Verse 1)
Yo, They say lyrical genius is missing in modern day rap,
I disagree, My rhymes are hotter than a sun-burnt snatch!
Speaking of that, some shit needs to get off my back,
This girl I know said she could easily replace my ass,
In her head I guess im placing last,
Laying in a bed, checking my heart monitor, yeah it's racing fast,
It's going faster the closer you approach,
You strangle me and it feels like there's a noose around my throat,
But do you let go? Or show mercy? Nope!
Who decided on this, I never put in my vote!

(Chorus)
A hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong,
A Hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong.

(Bridge)
So much pain
Suffering,
Rougher than,
Nothing to gain,
But I'll tough it man,
Safe to say,
This wasn't my plan,
Didn't map out total suffering.

(Verse 2)
When I first thought about love, I was excited,
And her? Her life was great, using people, breaking hearts,
She found me useful, I guess she became delighted,
When she found she could use me, I was the target mark,
Then she broke my heart, tore it apart like glass,
Thought I was first at the start, now? I'm in last..

(Chorus)
A hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong,
A Hurt so rare,
So strong,
Trying to fit in where I don't belong.

I like the content of this piece, I am actually working on one like it myself right now. I only spotted one multi in that whole piece. You've probably noticed that on this board that's all anybody really cares about. Your content is good and so is your structure, though your verses should be longer and the same length. Not an embarrassing first piece at all, it has real content and emotion. Thanks for sharing :)
SliK
Under The Influence
Under The Influence
 
Posts: 4980
Joined: Dec 17th, '09, 06:03

Re: Your very first TRShady submission

Postby J.R. » Aug 13th, '12, 20:13

Yup, that's what I was going for, content. Thanks man :y:
Image
User avatar
J.R.
Renegade
Renegade
 
Posts: 2045
Joined: May 8th, '11, 18:38
Gender: Male

Re: Your very first TRShady submission

Postby CrashBand » Aug 15th, '12, 02:07

I don't mind mine as it was just earlier this year. Definitely feels like a throwaway verse though.
Feb 22 2012

CrashBand wrote:Sort of a fuck around, jokey, semi story-telling verse

Yo, Bro..... It's not a happy story but
Your girls a horny slut, said that you're a boring fuck
thats when I met her, Sorry for no warning bruh
I fucked her five times, Not counting the morning ones!
I need new grammar, phrase better to word it
How can I say she's way lesser then perfect
She sucked for five minutes but she definitely hurt it
I found a few bruises I needa check if its workin'
A second and third its fucking ruined a bit
Couple days later the colours going blue from the tip
I wished I had yelled "bitch you're practically biting"
Why can't you tell I dont actually like it
This is the reason that I won't text you back
So better get used to me and my phone being flat
"See what I care cos I hate all you men"
She was back the next week, my dicks aching again
I'm not tryin to be rude, but I sincerely wanna fuck the taste out of your mouth
User avatar
CrashBand
Role Model
Role Model
 
Posts: 3579
Joined: Feb 17th, '12, 10:10
Location: New Zealand
Gender: Male

Re: Your very first TRShady submission

Postby SliK » Aug 15th, '12, 06:31

Eedee wrote:Date Written: May 7th, 2011
Date Dropped: August 13th, 2011 (damn almost a year ago!)
Age: 16
Title: N/A
Link: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=122046

I remember being an egotistical little prick back then thinking this was a good verse. It's not. It's pure shit. :facepalm

But damn. Reading that and reading my shit I write now... damn I've become loads better.


Some of my friends took notice that I never laughed or smiled,
I tell them "shit's not funny when you don't wanna be alive"
That sobered them up, took heed to my words immediately,
"Fuck that emo bitch" and they just stopped talking to me.
So I just got through the day and got home, pushed my dog aside,
Went upstairs to my room, sat there and just cried.
I cannot describe the feelings of pain if I tried,
I'm doing my best to rap it but nothing seems to apply.
I'd somehow fall asleep and my mind would just subscribe,
to fucking up my life and make me feel even worse just overnight.
I'd take a fucking shower with no interest in life,
I couldn't get out of it no matter what a doc would prescribe.
How could I explain that I fucking cut myself with glass?
How can I complain when the pain was barely enough to mask?
Whatever the day contained I didn't care either way,
A car crash would be quaint or being run over by a train.
The winter wind blows and nips at my fucking face while,
I FUCKING hate this place, death dwarfs it by a mile.
It's a pain in the ass to force a smile at school,
Otherwise faggots in class will ask "What's up with this fool?"
Guess I confided too much, got sent straight to the office,
Got told off for being suicidal like I was a fucking novice.
They even called my mom and told her her son's depressed.
"You better hug him more, your parenting's not impressing us"
I told my mom not to worry, it was just my fucking bitch ex,
Who sent me to rot in hell, this perpetual dark-ness.
It was thanks to rap that slowly I became aware,
That life was full of joy I just had to stand up and stare,
and for the first time in my life, I burst into a smile,
I swear to God I won't EVER fall back again, this shit is SO worthwhile...

I think I remember reading this piece when you dropped it. Certainly not an appauling attempt at a first piece. You obviously had some things to get off your chest and I personally feel like there is no better way to do it than writing.
The rhymes are pretty basic, I'm sure you've improved on them over time. One rhyme that really stuck out was:

Eedee wrote:"I'd take a fucking shower with no interest in life,
I couldn't get out of it no matter what a doc would prescribe."


That could have been a really nice multi if you had just said "shrink would prescribe". Overall this piece was enjoyable. A bit emo but like I said it's clear you had some issues to deal with so the emotion feels real and I think that's very important.
SliK
Under The Influence
Under The Influence
 
Posts: 4980
Joined: Dec 17th, '09, 06:03

Re: Your very first TRShady submission

Postby Mr.DGAF » Aug 29th, '12, 21:23

Date Written: Sometime early in August, 2010
Date Released: Sometime mid August, 2010
Day I realized it sucked: Sometime late August, 2010

Mr.DGAF unfortunately wrote:You close your eyes a wink and then you drift and go to sleep
Your mind starts going blank so then your soul I can then keep
They thought that I was gone but around I can still creep
Time they thought they bought but now they die in their sleep
Trust your parents they will weep and I am a nightmare
You’re sleepless so you tussle but this is no night terror
My rules aren’t quite fair, but you just sit and stay right there
You look a little different is that gray inside your hair?
I know you’re thinking if or when I leave he’ll still there
You think too much girl just settle down and I won’t freak
I attack you when you’re weak, around the corners you will peak
You think you got away but now it’s torture with technique
Get away and stay awake, but the former is unique
And the latter will not matter cause wait stop with all this chatter
Your talking is off-putting and it’s getting rather boring
But maybe if you wake you can live to see the morning


I remember the first section I checked on this site was the CW, so I was insipred to write something I loved. For anyone who follows my pieces, they'll know that the Nightmare on Elm Street subject comes up a lot because I never quite feel like I've nailed the concept. I really didn't know what multies were but I knew they sounded cool so I had a few here and there. Though, might I add, these lines:

I attack you when you’re weak, around the corners you will peak
You think you got away but now it’s torture with technique
Get away and stay awake, but the former is unique
And the latter will not matter...


I still think these are good, especially considering when I wrote it. Though the latter/matter line was a direct bite from a scheme in Music Box. Maybe not the words, but the set up. I remember thinking of that song the entire time while writing this.
You'd be surprised...
How many truths you can hide in flows

Image
Image
Quest for Six
Team Emma Stone
Buns till amazing... :')
User avatar
Mr.DGAF
Renegade
Renegade
 
Posts: 2349
Joined: Aug 15th, '11, 04:10
Location: In the back seat of your truck, with duct tape stretched out.
Gender: Male

Re: Your very first TRShady submission

Postby Eedee » Aug 29th, '12, 21:26

Mr.DGAF wrote:Day I realized it sucked: Sometime late August, 2010




:laughing:

And Slik, yeah. I had no idea what multies were back then :facepalm
Image
mdemaz wrote:dam
User avatar
Eedee
Eye-Raping-Fudgepop
Eye-Raping-Fudgepop
 
Posts: 11719
Joined: Aug 7th, '11, 06:11
Location: Free food
Gender: Male

Next

Return to C.W. Lounge



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users

cron