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Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - DESP. WINS]

Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - DESP. WINS]

Postby Eedee » Dec 4th, '13, 06:34

ROUND 1
DESPERADOES VS. JUST SILVER/SNEAKERHEADSHADY

Rhyming/Flow [2]
Chemistry [2]
Creativity [1]
Structure [1]
Free Point [1]

-------------------

Beat

Painkiller
CanadaPure

"What if I just... Ugh dammit, I can't start my fucking verse
After our last tourney was so good I feel we'll only write something worse"

"Alright buddy, you're stessting over nothing, stop what you're doin'"
"Let's go for a walk in the woods to talk this shit through and
Get inspired"
"But I'm tired, it's dark out and I've never walked out
Into the woods at night or day for that matter, and I'm not about
To change that"
But I know this place thats full of "inspiration",
"I mean, they seem to give inspiration to the highschool kids that take 'em"

"Dude, I don't do drugs, unlike you I actually give two fucks and some
hallucinogens leave you in a trance, stuck, know how I stayed this handsome?
Wasn't drugs",
"What it was, is you being the biggest bitch that I know"
"Grab your coat, let's go"
"I said no!" "fine, I'll finish this track alone"
"Fuck, fine man, I'll go" so we tip toed through all the thistles,
"I'm scared" "Just go! Look, there they are, go grab a fist full"
"Don't worry I do this every once in a blue moon"
So I took two
Gave the rest to CP, he's yelling, asking
"do you see me?" "chill look dude
it's cool I see you, I don't feel a thi-"
"THE FUCKING TREES ARE TALKING,
HOW DID ALL THESE BEES GET ON ME?"
"damn, did you eat the wrong thing?"
"Oh god... I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die alone with you!"
"You wont..." "No, it's true, Pain, just take me home to puke"
"Fuck we're lost though, we gotta follow where the moss grows"
"But this areas' been crossed bro, WE'VE ALREADY PASSED THESE CROSSROADS!"
"Okay, you need to calm down, take my palm now"
"Gave Pain a small frown; I ain't holding your hand clown!"
I freaked out, swung at his head, I wanted him dead
"Try to hold my hand?" went to yell at him but he stopped what I said
Next thing I know Im out cold, maybe Pain knocked on my head
But to be honest with you I hope the mushrooms got me instead

Flash forward to blue lights flashing, rush too em as quick as I could
Knew right then that what I did was sick'ning, not good
Knew the cops would ask about my bloody clothes n busted teeth
Despite my muddy woes, gave em a smirk and said "it wasn't me"


VERSUS

Purple = sneaker
Green = Silver


im bored as fuck and its only midnight
its nice outside in the silver moonlight
lets walk down the path with the creek on the right
we'll have fun if the mosquitoes don't bite

Hey sneak your out your mind it's like 12:09
But I'll be right behind just need my sneakers tied
This area combined with the fact its late at night
It's fucking with my sight did you bring the flashlight

oh crap i forgot it to get it mate,
i left it right next to the dirty plates
its gonna be fine, just grow up and don't whine
holy shit whats that thing! it looks lupine
wait, never mind, it must just be the wine
Maybe it is but I think I see it too
Right over there near the scenic route
Where I wanna try shrooms it's as big as a room
Hairy as my balls on a lazy afternoon with brews

Oh damn, do you even understand?
That there's a footprint, its as big as a man
I just saw a shadow... Will you hold my hand?
was that sound a yelp? This isn't what I planned..

No hand holdin, im sorta homophobic
Plus this thing is comin towards us
Faster than I predicted breaking sticks n shit
It's ridiculous never thought they existed

Gee this walk turned out to be twisted
I think its a yeti! whoop there goes moms spaghetti
Bigfoot is near, I can't run, but I'm full of fear

Honestly this is what I least expected
Fuckers on to me im trying to leave and exit
Oh shit sneak I think he's got my leg
Give him a lotta lead, the guns in the shed... Were dead.
Last edited by Eedee on Dec 5th, '13, 06:07, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - CW 2013]

Postby Just Silver » Dec 4th, '13, 13:48

Bump of the morning
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Re: Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - CW 2013]

Postby Just Silver » Dec 4th, '13, 14:16

Id say yes but everyone is asleep lol
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Re: Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - CW 2013]

Postby Just Silver » Dec 4th, '13, 21:38

Will this be judged today
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Re: Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - CW 2013]

Postby sneakerheadshady » Dec 4th, '13, 21:54

Just Silver wrote:Will this be judged today

:kanyeshrug:
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#Silver #Rolly #bigray #Pain #flamez #charlotte #Hage #Samantha #guilty #eedee #horsefam #snake #raul #EG
horse wrote:You’ll never go gold, that’s why you’re just silver

Sneakerheads check out the sneaker thread!
viewtopic.php?f=29&t=164272&start=15
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Re: Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - CW 2013]

Postby Just Silver » Dec 5th, '13, 00:31

Good stuff
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Re: Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - CW 2013]

Postby Snakebeast » Dec 5th, '13, 06:01

Rhyming/Flow [2] - Desperadoes

In the rhyming and flow department, the Desperadoes were on point throughout their entire piece, with some minor flow issues i.e.

To change that" But I know this place thats full of "inspiration",
"I mean, they seem to give inspiration to the highschool kids that take 'em"


The "highschool" should've been shortened to just "school" imo.

On the other hand, while the flow of the Silver/Sneaker didn't exactly bother me, it wasn't exactly creative, with few words in each bar. The rhyming was, to be honest, rather lazy, with single-syllable or uncreative two-syllable rhymes ending many of your lines.

Chemistry [2] - Desperadoes

Pain and CP had fantastic chemistry, splitting even single lines between each other, giving off the vibe that this could be an actual conversation between people. I could feel the personality clash, with Pain being kind of reluctant and CP eager to try the drugs, resulting in a rather hilarious event.

I'll give some leeway to Sneaker and Silver because their team was put together last minute, but even so, this piece was rather disappointing.

It's fucking with my sight did you bring the flashlight
oh crap i forgot it to get it mate,


This has the emotion and personality of an elementary school drama improv session. Neither of you felt like you gave the slightest fuck when writing this story at all, and thus, as the reader, I didn't feel invested either.

Creativity [1] - Desperadoes

Execution aside, let's go over the concept of the pieces.

CP and Pain decided to do a piece where they went into the woods and got high. CP, despite being the guy insisting the plant is harmless, is the one to begin tripping balls after ingesting it. He proceeds to wildly flail around, wallowing in the "fact" that he was going to die with Pain of all people. Pain proceeds to bash him in the chops and it's left rather ambiguous whether or not he killed his psychotic friend.

Silver and Sneaker decide to have a walk in the woods (hoping there aren't any mosquitoes around) and come across something that looks "lupine" (for future reference, Sneaker, lupine refers to either a flower like plant or a wolf, not an ape-like creature like a yeti) and a footprint as "big as a man" (jesus christ, did you guys go blind? How could you not see this fucking behemoth?), before being ambushed by a giant yeti, whose horrid appearance apparently caused vomiting spaghetti on Sneaker's part(?). Said creature kills them before they can reach their weapons.

Overall, you both took it in interesting directions concept-wise. However, in actually executing the concept, CP and Pain showed more creativity in having a rather interesting and ambiguous ending up to the reader to decide (imo at least); the more timid one ends up the rather crazy looking and bloodied up victor in a fight that may or may not have ended in homicide. On the other hand, Sneaker and Silver took what was a great concept and....didn't do much with it. Kind of told a story and that's it with some really bad lines (the use of lupine, a yeti apparently having feet about as big as a fully grown man, the irrelevant and random tangent about shrooms).

Structure [1] - Desperadoes

Desperadoes: You structured your piece very well, with most of the story being told through conversation, splitting lines between the two of you in order to make a cohesive and interesting piece. However, as stated before, some of the lines needed shortening in my opinion. Love how in the end, when there's no longer any conversation, you each give yourselves four bars to describe what happens in the story.

Sneaker/Silver: You guys went for a more simple approach (not a bad thing) and decided to go back and forth every four bars (with a couple of exceptions). However, in keeping to this formula throughout the entire thing, it gets kind of stale and boring, and as such, the whole piece falls flat (especially the ending).

Oh, and I'm no grammar nazi, but your piece had HORRIBLE grammar. "Give him a lotta lead, the guns in the shed...were dead"? Really? You couldn't add that ONE apostrophe? "oh crap i forgot it to get it mate," no punctuation whatsoever. Come on. I've tutored children who have better grammar than this.

Free Point [1] - Desperadoes

I give this point to the Desperadoes because a) the back-and-forth banter felt natural and b) I genuinely laughed out loud at CP tripping the fuck out.

Desperadoes: 7
Silver/Sneaker: 0


CP and Pain, aside from some flow/structuring issues, you did great. Silver and Sneaker, I'm disappointed. You can write better than this.

Final Thought:

Where I wanna try shrooms it's as big as a room
Hairy as my balls on a lazy afternoon with brews

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Re: Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - CW 2013]

Postby Eedee » Dec 5th, '13, 06:07

Well that's 2-0. Desperadoes move on.
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Re: Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - DESP. WINS]

Postby Eedee » Dec 5th, '13, 06:11

Note: Horsebot3K can still get his vote in, if he's been working on it. Post it in here regardless. But either way, Desperadoes takes this 3-0 or 2-1.
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Re: Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - DESP. WINS]

Postby Eedee » Dec 5th, '13, 06:17

Thank you judges for doing your thing. Very in-depth and analytical.

Desperadoes win 3-0. Can a mod lock this as we move onto the next few matches of this round (if they happen... some still haven't gotten their verses in).
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Re: Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - DESP. WINS]

Postby CanadaPure » Dec 5th, '13, 06:22

Eedee wrote:Thank you judges for doing your thing. Very in-depth and analytical.

Desperadoes win 3-0. Can a mod lock this as we move onto the next few matches of this round (if they happen... some still haven't gotten their verses in).


I will lock this tomorrow morning :y:
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Re: Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - DESP. WINS]

Postby Eedee » Dec 5th, '13, 06:24

I seriously need CW mod controls.
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Re: Desperadoes VS. Silver/Sneaker [Rd. 1 - DESP. WINS]

Postby CanadaPure » Dec 5th, '13, 06:24

Eedee wrote:I seriously need CW mod controls.


Yeah, you should have them.

(I'll actually lock this now)
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