Sick jokes

[mdemaz]

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"

[Sam.]

guess who's back

[Sam.]

A deaf man goes to the the doctors with his wife.

The doctor says to him ""I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample.""

The man turns round and says to his wife ""What does he want?""

His wife says ""YOUR UNDERPANTS""

[Sam.]

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
A: Her navel.

[Fleka]

What are 70things every woman should know?
How to cook and 69.

[Sam.]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scottish are stranded in the middle of the desert. Tired and hungry, they stumble upon a gold lamp. The English man picks it up, and rubs it down. To their shock, a purple mist appears from the nossle and a Genie appears before them.

"At last, after 200 years I am finally free!" The Genie exclaims. "For releasing me from my prison, I will grant you each a wish. However, you will remain in a locked cell for 50 years with this wish."
Out of nowhere, 3 cells appear in the desert.

The Geneie asks the Englishman: "What is your wish?"
"I want a gorgeous lady with big tits!" He remarks.
"Very well." The Genie replies. With a clap of his hands, a stunning blonde appears in the first cell. The English man rushes in without a second thought. The Genie closes the cell door and locks it.

He asks the Scottish man:
"I want 50 years supply of wiskey!" Again, the genie claps his hands and stacks of wiskey appear in the second cell. The Scottish man is locked in the cell.

The Genie asks the Irish man:
"I want 50 years supply of cigarettes!" The cigarettes appear in the cell and the Irish man is then locked in.

50 years pass and the Genie returns to the cells. He opens the door to the English man’s cell. The room is full with babies and children. The English man, lying down with the beautiful woman, smiles at the Genie and thanks him for the 50 years.

The Genie goes to the Scottish man’s cell. The Scottish man is on the floor - mindlessly drunk with wiskey and obviously near death asfter 50 years of hard drinking.

The Genie opens the door to the Irish man’s cell. The Irish jumps up from the floor and says: "Have you got a light?"

[ilovebender.com]

I was p*ssed off with someone on the internet and this country song sort of wrote it's self.

My Country & Western song: A Dick Named Richard

You're an Incest luvin' Cousin ****ing
Crazy Son of
a Bitch
and if you drove a
Pick Up Truck
I'd hardily give a ****/hoot.
You moan at me call me
City Slicker too, you hate them Muslims and
make fun of all the Jews. I'd rather live in Brixton
than put up with you, Richard,
you Country Hick, your name's Dick too!

[rinnie1207]

A deaf man goes to the the doctors with his wife.

The doctor says to him ""I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample.""

The man turns round and says to his wife ""What does he want?""

His wife says ""YOUR UNDERPANTS""

Lol!

[Sam.]

Two pregnant women sat knitting one turns to the other and says "I hope mine’s a boy because I’ve bought blue wool"

The other woman replies "I hope mines a spastic because I’ve fucked up the arms"

[Sam.]

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that read:

"Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

[mdemaz]

What a fucking epic thread...

[Sam.]

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde & a frightfully awful looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, & the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought - "That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me & by a mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face".

The large lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde & she smacked him".

The Frenchman thought - "That fucking Englishman put his hand on that blonde & by a mistake she slapped me".

The Englishman thought - "I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again"

[zedzero27]

A deaf man goes to the the doctors with his wife.

The doctor says to him ""I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample.""

The man turns round and says to his wife ""What does he want?""

His wife says ""YOUR UNDERPANTS""

I was gonna say this one.

[Atone]

Two pregnant women sat knitting one turns to the other and says "I hope mine’s a boy because I’ve bought blue wool"

The other woman replies "I hope mines a spastic because I’ve fucked up the arms"

LMAO

What do you get with an Asian woman, a Black Man, and a whte man?

Take out with Chocolette milk

[zedzero27]

what do you call two black guys having a threesum with a white woman?

an Oreo.