Ripped to Shreds

[WakeUpShow]

I'll tell it to you straight, before supplyin' beatings
While you giggle under your breath, like Hawaiian greetings [get it?]
Guerilla warfare with banana clips and monkey wrenches
You know I only fuck with crazy chicks and funky wenches
I guess being door-key opens lots of doors
So you won't hear me say I snorted coke or shot a whore
I'm not a G so you'll never hear the tech clap
But I give a girl my best dick, you give a girl your best fap
Go to the smilies, third row down and third stop in
That's the face you made when you heard cosh spit
I could run the earths distance without a second to waste
I'll let you live for the sole purpose of staring death in the face

http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=119697

[PeNGuiN ZoMbiE]

Kinda all over the place. If it was suppose to be a story it didn't feel like it. Sounded like you just threw lines together. The rhyming was good tho. Some of the stuff I didn't get tho. My two pennies

[BumShiv]

i liked the rhyming It was kinda sloppy but i got the story a little. If it was more clear/structured better, it would have been great . Still good and I wanna see your next writing piece

If its not too much could you please feedback on this
viewtopic.php?f=69&t=121037

[WakeUpShow]

c'mon guys, there is no story! it's just a kill it track. thanks for the feedback anyway

[WakeUpShow]

Your last line was sick. I love that.

I understand what you were going for. Def. not a story smh, lol. It's just random boasting and nonsense. That stuff's fun to write about, so it doesn't have to tell a story or mean anything.

For what it was, I liked it.

Hit me back?

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=120828

thanks alot man and no problem I'll feed it in a bit

[WakeUpShow]

let me know if you get the hawaii line

[ArsheyHaq]

Fresshh! There was a lot of dope lines in here. Also, I love how you pull your lines off so effortlessly, it seems, while using mutlies. That must be hard to do.

I'll tell it to you straight, before supplyin' beatings
While you giggle under your breath, like Hawaiian greetings [get it?]

Yes, I got it but I think you should've wrote "A-low-ha" in parenthesis instead. It would help the readers out a lot.

Guerilla warfare with banana clips and monkey wrenches
You know I only fuck with crazy chicks and funky wenches

I liked those two lines a lot for their cleverness and just slick rhyming haha

Go to the smilies, third row down and third stop in
That's the face you made when you heard cosh spit

Lmao, breaking the 4th wall! is exactly the face I made while reading this lol

[WakeUpShow]

Fresshh! There was a lot of dope lines in here. Also, I love how you pull your lines off so effortlessly, it seems, while using mutlies. That must be hard to do.

I'll tell it to you straight, before supplyin' beatings
While you giggle under your breath, like Hawaiian greetings [get it?]

Yes, I got it but I think you should've wrote "A-low-ha" in parenthesis instead. It would help the readers out a lot.

Guerilla warfare with banana clips and monkey wrenches
You know I only fuck with crazy chicks and funky wenches

I liked those two lines a lot for their cleverness and just slick rhyming haha

Go to the smilies, third row down and third stop in
That's the face you made when you heard cosh spit

Lmao, breaking the 4th wall! is exactly the face I made while reading this lol

haha man it's refreshing to hear in-depth positive feedback. I appreciate it alot man, really. And one last thing...I've heard of the 4th wall again but what exactly is it?

[ArsheyHaq]

I've heard of the 4th wall again but what exactly is it?

It's pretty much when someone in a comic, book, show, etc. acknowledges, to the viewer, that they're aware that they're in the comic, book, show, etc. And they sometimes involve the viewer in their antics, like you do.

[WakeUpShow]

I've heard of the 4th wall again but what exactly is it?

It's pretty much when someone in a comic, book, show, etc. acknowledges, to the viewer, that they're aware that they're in the comic, book, show, etc. And they sometimes involve the viewer in their antics, like you do.

haha awesome thanks

[WakeUpShow]

That aloha line is pretty clever. Honestly, I didn't catch it 'til Arshey mentioned it.

haha thanks alot, I'm pretty proud of it

[Ka0t1c]

i thought it was pretty good, some punchlines didn't really hit with my ear, still great rhyming

[WakeUpShow]

thanks for the feedback man

[WakeUpShow]

bump...

[SliK]

I'll tell it to you straight, before supplyin' beatings
While you giggle under your breath, like Hawaiian greetings [get it?]
Guerilla warfare with banana clips and monkey wrenches
You know I only fuck with crazy chicks and funky wenches
I guess being door-key opens lots of doors
So you won't hear me say I snorted coke or shot a whore
I'm not a G so you'll never hear the tech clap
But I give a girl my best dick, you give a girl your best fap
Go to the smilies, third row down and third stop in
That's the face you made when you heard cosh spit
I could run the earths distance without a second to waste
I'll let you live for the sole purpose of staring death in the face

http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=119697

I liked it mate, good to see multies being used that aren't forced.

I like the line about Guerilla Warefare, bananaa clips and MONKEY WRENCHES. I was fully expecting the banana clips line cos it popped into my head after the Guerilla Warfare bit, but then when I read monkey wrenches I actually broke a smile. Good line.

The only thing I can say as kind of constructive critism (which I believe is important and I'm not saying anything disrespectful) is this: I really like the Hawaiin Greetings punchline (I must admit I had to read the explanation ), but it is kind of out of place. Why are they giggling under their breath when you're insulting them and about to supply a beating. I think that's one I would have tried to save for a different piece, or worked it in better. Same with the monkey wrenches/funky wenches bit, good line and funny but a bit out of place. Like lil Wayne

Other than that I enjoyed it. Easily a solid 7.