You Already Got A Man

[EvryOnesACrtc]

Here's another verse I had planned for a collab...which went nowhere. SO I just thought I'd post it anyway. Lemme know what ya think.


Believe it or not, when we first met, you were a be-to-the-otch/
now you're on your way with lingerie where I can see through the crotch/
that cleavage is hot, you're teasing my cock/
let me plant my seeds inside your bush 'fore I soil myself---
gimme the deeds to your plot, take my cream of the crop/
quick, cuz I'mma flee from the spot/
'fore your man sticks his keys through the slot/
shiittt, I'd rather pay heed to the clock than pay fees to the doc/
cuz I ain't a fighter, bitch, or a lover---we ain't no peas in a pod/
it's not a feasible plot, it's an unreasonable thought/
don't mean to leave you in shock---just wanna leave you...even the odds/
and I don't believe in a God, so don't pull that moral shit on me


LOF: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=149613

[Spyder]

youve got the concept of multies and inners and the basics.

the topic was ehh and the verse was very short so cant really dive into it too much.

would like a change in scheme as the same multies get kinda boring but not bad.

only major critique is that some of the end rhymes dont line up, you can kinda do that in audio some we can hear how its intended to flow
but in text it just kinda ruins the flow, try to stick to couplettes

[EvryOnesACrtc]

youve got the concept of multies and inners and the basics.

the topic was ehh and the verse was very short so cant really dive into it too much.

would like a change in scheme as the same multies get kinda boring but not bad.

only major critique is that some of the end rhymes dont line up, you can kinda do that in audio some we can hear how its intended to flow
but in text it just kinda ruins the flow, try to stick to couplettes

Thanks for the feedback, man. I really appreciate it. Means a lot more coming from someone as skillful as you.

I'll def. utilize what you told me. I get what you're saying about the same multies getting boring, but that's kinda been my thing. I love milking a multi, without sounding forced, until there's nothing left. You should check out my other stuff too. This one's kind of a leftover verse I had no idea what to do with. Maybe I'll add another verse or two to it and finish it off.

I'll hit up some of your stuff and return the feed.

[tadpole25]

great multis. i think it wouldve been smother without the whole bush/soil part, but otherwise solid.

" I'd rather pay heed to the clock than pay fees to the doc/"

i like this line a lot

[Atone]

at first i was gonna hate on this but you actually made this flow pretty smooth, the rhymes were nice, love the way you kept it goin all the way thru, good work man

[EvryOnesACrtc]

at first i was gonna hate on this but you actually made this flow pretty smooth, the rhymes were nice, love the way you kept it goin all the way thru, good work man

Ahaha glad I could change your mind.

Also, I don't like how that 'bush' line went on for as long as it did, but I thought it'd be worth it if the metaphor was good and I followed it up with lots of multies. Both held true.

[J.R.]

Sorry for a bit of a bump, but I had read this a little earlier and promised myself I was gonna feed this before anything else- that being said, I really like this. You flowed well and the rhyming was smooth throughout, with no awkward patches or forced rhymes. I liked it.

[EvryOnesACrtc]

Sorry for a bit of a bump, but I had read this a little earlier and promised myself I was gonna feed this before anything else- that being said, I really like this. You flowed well and the rhyming was smooth throughout, with no awkward patches or forced rhymes. I liked it.

Haha don't have to apologize for bumping. Bump my stuff anytime! I'm thankful you liked it. I'll be sure to check out your stuff and feed when I get a chance.

[CanadaPure]

Is your name secretly Fuzz Scoota? I really liked it, great work.

[EvryOnesACrtc]

Is your name secretly Fuzz Scoota? I really liked it, great work.

Lol not sure what you mean by that, but thanks for the compliment.

[CanadaPure]

Is your name secretly Fuzz Scoota? I really liked it, great work.

Lol not sure what you mean by that, but thanks for the compliment.

Fuzz always maintains the same rhyme scheme throughout his verses.

[EvryOnesACrtc]

Is your name secretly Fuzz Scoota? I really liked it, great work.

Lol not sure what you mean by that, but thanks for the compliment.

Fuzz always maintains the same rhyme scheme throughout his verses.

Ohh, okay. I'll be sure to check him out then. I love doing that exact same thing with my rhymes. If you like that stuff too you should check out this other piece I did: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=148236

[CanadaPure]

Ohh, okay. I'll be sure to check him out then. I love doing that exact same thing with my rhymes. If you like that stuff too you should check out this other piece I did: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=148236

I'll check it out I respect anyone who can pull it off for sure. We should do something together one day for Creative Writing.

[CanadaPure]

I liked it.

The dominant rhyme scheme was audibly enjoyable and it was fun to read along with what you were talking about. Would like to see more, no real criticisms - just hope to see some more, longer drops in the future.

I'm trying to get him on something. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's making people longer.

[CanadaPure]

Same.

Yeah, uh, that's what I meant too! Yes it is!