The TRshady Forum became read-only in December 2014. The 10 year history will live on, in this archive.
Continue the discussion with the new home for the Eminem and Hip Hop discussion: HipHopShelter.com.

a new verse, should be recorded soon

Want to share a poem, story or a moving article? Share creative literature text here.

a new verse, should be recorded soon

Postby stevethetruth » Aug 13th, '07, 17:30

written to a beat made by the one and only mart85, it's called a thousand times

i'ma leech stealing all your speech till i complete
my new reign as a true emcee best believe
that i will flow on and on, yeah..
till i hand the glowing baton, uh huh
i know it's wrong but damn why my speech a pawn
here trembling with fear i feel like i don't belong
and all along i ain't relived feeling deceived
struggling to breathe crumbling, i ain't appeased
i know it's wrong to suddenly stop while on top
maybe i should stop like biggie and pac with a pop
but you know what i'ma hold my head up high
stare at the sky, and just ask why
must i be put to a test look i should a guessed
but man i'm depressed unplanned fulled with stress
endless nights no sleep i fight for what i speak
music is my life and my brains the beat
http://www.myspace.com/stevethetruth <-- my myspace add me!!
User avatar
stevethetruth
Under The Influence
Under The Influence
 
Posts: 4112
Joined: May 27th, '06, 02:06
Location: wherever, whenever
Gender: Male

Re: a new verse, should be recorded soon

Postby Tash8 » Aug 13th, '07, 17:34

ok it's pretty dope, but these are things you should work on

1: multis, multis add so much creativeness and makes flow soo much smoother if they're not forced of course
User avatar
Tash8
Addict
Addict
 
Posts: 12522
Joined: Feb 19th, '07, 20:04
Gender: Male

Re: a new verse, should be recorded soon

Postby James R. » Aug 14th, '07, 06:08

It seemed to flow pretty well without the beat and thats always a plus. Increased complexity would be a good change. I'm not saying be all mystical and shit, just add a few more metaphors. Really try to make the reader see what you want them to see and feel what you want them to feel. Work on your vocab so you can tap into those emotions. Multies are always nice as well. You did a nice job though man
User avatar
James R.
Band Leader
Band Leader
 
Posts: 5044
Joined: Apr 25th, '07, 20:31
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Gender: Male

Re: a new verse, should be recorded soon

Postby stevethetruth » Aug 14th, '07, 19:28

thanks for the feed guy i'll def try to improve on what both of you said :y: :worship:
http://www.myspace.com/stevethetruth <-- my myspace add me!!
User avatar
stevethetruth
Under The Influence
Under The Influence
 
Posts: 4112
Joined: May 27th, '06, 02:06
Location: wherever, whenever
Gender: Male

Re: a new verse, should be recorded soon

Postby IceAxe » Aug 14th, '07, 20:04

It's pretty well written. The only thing I'd say to work on would to add some metaphors, and add some multis like was said above. The in-rhyme here was nice, and it flowed well too.

Good work, should be a good audio :y:
IceAxe
Soldier
Soldier
 
Posts: 1563
Joined: Aug 16th, '06, 19:34
Location: VA, United States
Gender: Male

Re: a new verse, should be recorded soon

Postby Flamez » Aug 14th, '07, 21:46

well you did a good job on this :y:
Image
User avatar
Flamez
Band Leader
Band Leader
 
Posts: 5673
Joined: Sep 6th, '06, 15:55
Gender: Male


Return to Creative Writing



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users

cron