coughin up a storm 1 verse

[Ka0t1c]

i'm coughin up a storm while it rains
just watchin it pour
and drippin off of my door
which now has became
runnin down to the floor
caused from the window pane
that's really hard to ignore
but why worry and strain
i'ma spark cuz i'm bored
til no high can be gained
cuz that's how i am
dark into day
but what's the reward
i will start with
i feel my heart i can lay
maybe no other would say
but it targets my strength
from what bubbles up in my veins


link of feed:
http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=105249

[Innovation]

The way you structured your verse, it made it difficult for it to flow well. Try to extend your lines slightly to create a better structure.

You're also going to want to start using multi-syllable rhyming to add complexity to your lyrics. If you're not sure what this is, I'll give you an example.

They took away my right to bare arms,
What am I supposed to fight with bare palms?

That's from Eminem - We As Americans.

You can see that each colour rhymes with each other. He is using multi-syllable rhyming there as opposed to just rhyming arms/palms on their own.

The positives is that you've got the rhyming and concept down well, just extend on it with what I've suggested.

Hope I've helped!

[Ka0t1c]

honestly, you didn't help me for shit, and assuming i dunno wtf i'm doing?! haha, i laugh in your face, check out my other shit, i change how i write to keep it fresh, so i suggest you check out my other shit instead of this one... thanx for your halfassed comment tho, i appreciate it anyways.

[Edge]

The way you structured your verse, it made it difficult for it to flow well. Try to extend your lines slightly to create a better structure.

You're also going to want to start using multi-syllable rhyming to add complexity to your lyrics. If you're not sure what this is, I'll give you an example.

They took away my right to bare arms,
What am I supposed to fight with bare palms?

That's from Eminem - We As Americans.

You can see that each colour rhymes with each other. He is using multi-syllable rhyming there as opposed to just rhyming arms/palms on their own.

The positives is that you've got the rhyming and concept down well, just extend on it with what I've suggested.

Hope I've helped!

dont take it personally, i gave this guy like the same exact advice and he gave me an attitude too... apparently hes so good that he cant take other peoples friendly advice

[Ka0t1c]

Haha, the point is I know how I rap my lyrics and also about rhyming, multies, etc. So I only understand that my structure fucked u up

[gutawafang]

The way you structured your verse, it made it difficult for it to flow well. Try to extend your lines slightly to create a better structure.

You're also going to want to start using multi-syllable rhyming to add complexity to your lyrics. If you're not sure what this is, I'll give you an example.

They took away my right to bare arms,
What am I supposed to fight with bare palms?

That's from Eminem - We As Americans.

You can see that each colour rhymes with each other. He is using multi-syllable rhyming there as opposed to just rhyming arms/palms on their own.

The positives is that you've got the rhyming and concept down well, just extend on it with what I've suggested.

Hope I've helped!

LMAO

[MikeNUFC]

Structure makes it impossible to flow. Are you going for something poetic? Really don't know what to make of it.

[Tash8]

it's kinda hard to pick the flow, at least for me, but cool rhymes...loved the line about sparking and getting so high, you can't get high no more

anyways...it's cool, short but cool..

[Ka0t1c]

a late thanx to Tash8 , i appreciate the feedback!

[rubi]

I get the flow, it's Kanye West like I guess.. just slow down guys, get an instrumental of love lockdown or something like that

[Willy]

i saw window pane and reread the line just to make sure

[Ka0t1c]

ummm... ok, that was random

[Just Silver]

idk why but seemed as if a computer was rapping you need a personal touch and flow

[Ka0t1c]

ok, thanx just silver, i am currently working on something different, should be better than this

[Innovation]

honestly, you didn't help me for shit, and assuming i dunno wtf i'm doing?! haha, i laugh in your face, check out my other shit, i change how i write to keep it fresh, so i suggest you check out my other shit instead of this one... thanx for your halfassed comment tho, i appreciate it anyways.

Haha, the point is I know how I rap my lyrics and also about rhyming, multies, etc. So I only understand that my structure fucked u up

Just checked back to this..

Fair enough. My post did also state that the structure wasn't the best.

Hit me up when you have wrote something new.

The way you structured your verse, it made it difficult for it to flow well. Try to extend your lines slightly to create a better structure.

You're also going to want to start using multi-syllable rhyming to add complexity to your lyrics. If you're not sure what this is, I'll give you an example.

They took away my right to bare arms,
What am I supposed to fight with bare palms?

That's from Eminem - We As Americans.

You can see that each colour rhymes with each other. He is using multi-syllable rhyming there as opposed to just rhyming arms/palms on their own.

The positives is that you've got the rhyming and concept down well, just extend on it with what I've suggested.

Hope I've helped!

dont take it personally, i gave this guy like the same exact advice and he gave me an attitude too... apparently hes so good that he cant take other peoples friendly advice

Lol, I don't really mind the attitude to be honest. If they give you attitude for advice, let it be.