Demented Spit

[Pauly D]

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=106202

I'm sittin' in this empty room,
sniffin' fumes, eatin' the caps off of 'shrooms,
cuttin' the phalangies off of you, lickin' the tempting salivating pools,
of blood off the floor, the oh so cold ridged floor,
heard the slam of the door, stood up to see if it was that whore,
with the broken vocal cords, from the result of last night's horrid,
altercation and incident, I come to find her looking innocent, looking at me like I'm wrongfully pissed
I charge at her with the force, of a roided up crazy horse,
hit her in the head with scorching hot oven pan, and cubert drawers,
she hits the ground so hard, her tits flew up out her puss,
hit my mom in the head like a bullet from a forty-four,
that really set me off so I kneed her a charlie horse,
she starts screamin' more, but she forgets about her vocal cords,
bein' broken, so now I'm token, eatin' leftovers from Chipotle,
while I sit back and comfortly enjoy the,(pernounce "they")
ambient noise of choked up screams and the fresh smell of phalangies,
bitch wonder how I made ya dumb,
I took your infant trachea, and tied it into fifty knots,
punched it up your swollen throat right up into your ce-re-brum,
it got lodged somewhere between the temporal lobe and callosum,
now your speech is becoming very fucking cumbersome,
I try to overcome and not succumb to your collage of scum,
so I start to hum a song from that movie with Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf,
I hum it for so long that my mind tells me that that's enough,
but I tell my mind to mind it's own fucking business and cut it off,
now my mind's shut off, and instincts decisively start to take over,(ovah)
I run across the hall, and try to take defensive cover,(covah)
from the crazy damn fairies that are flying after me,
are they real, or are they the product of those methaphetamines?
that I have been swallow-ing, for the past slow-moving seventeen,
hours of the insane day, and now thoughts try to enter my brain,
but my brain setup those pesky impenetrable barricades,
I am hoping but inside I know that there is no way,
for those thoughts to enter inside of my dead thoughtless brain,
so now I push those thoughts away, and start to run away from Freddy,(Fuh-readay)
the assholes got a blade, and I come to find that I'm in a dream,
there's nothing I can do, so I contemplate ways to handle this tragedy,(trageday)
should I lay down and start to pray and become the prey like a pussy?(pussay)
no, I will not subject myself to such scrutiny, I start to run at Freddy as if I am the predator,
he lacks the knowledge of my becoming that roided up crazy horse,
I tackle him so hard that he begins to pee himself,
I tell him to look down and look what he has done to himself,
I took that quick split second, and kicked him in his bloody nuts,
he crunches down in agony while I start to run away from him,
this is the exact reason, that my ass needs to be locked up,
'cause I can take this story and turn it into a mil-li-on

What do you guys thinks? I tried to be more creative with this, rather then talking or rhyming about a "typical day, or event".

[Pauly D]

bump..

[Pauly D]

BUMP...

[classthe_king]

No one wants to read that much, expecially from someone they don't know

[Pauly D]

No one wants to read that much, expecially from someone they don't know

yet you take the time to comment? shut the fuck up and get out of this "dead boring forum"

[classthe_king]

Okay, and now you can be a douche and have no one like you

[Pauly D]

And you keep on flaming and being the CW police

[Strictt Ame]

Story telling was good, but honestly the flow was all over the place, alot of the time you rhymed very basic words 1-syllable at a time and to be real with you I lost interest..

You have the concept down of doing a topical piece but your forgetting to add in the important elements of hip-hop and without those its not gonna get praise on a rap-forum..make your rhyme scheme more complex, polish up the flow, add metaphors, similies and/or wordplay..spice it up, otherwise your just telling us a bizarre ass fairy tale..

But hey any piece that says "roided up crazy horse" twice is worth a read over right? lol

[Pauly D]

Story telling was good, but honestly the flow was all over the place, alot of the time you rhymed very basic words 1-syllable at a time and to be real with you I lost interest..

You have the concept down of doing a topical piece but your forgetting to add in the important elements of hip-hop and without those its not gonna get praise on a rap-forum..make your rhyme scheme more complex, polish up the flow, add metaphors, similies and/or wordplay..spice it up, otherwise your just telling us a bizarre ass fairy tale..

But hey any piece that says "roided up crazy horse" twice is worth a read over right? lol

Thanks for taken time to read a rap from a "nobody"
I did read it and rhyme scheme got boring, so I see what you're saying.
Haha I tried to use "roided up crazy horse" as a motif of some sort, but it came off forced.
Thanks
and where you live at in Ohio? I live up here in Northeast Ohio