Trimss - A day's end

[Trimss]

Feedback: viewtopic.php?f=38&t=109284

A day is over now but another one is about to begin,
but it feels like the same one is repeatin' over and over again,
I just don't find something that makes me better in the end,
Cuz I just wanna re-do my life and be another man,
I can't find another way to escape from this scam,
I wanna taste fame so hard i call myself lame,
my biggest dream is being loved by my fans,
Naah my biggest dream is to at least have one fan,
One mic and one crowd cuz i have so much things to explain,
Thanks for listening to this, i'll never be ashamed of who i am

Lyrics are simple though, even a 5 year old could write that. But It was just a test, I loved apollo brown's beat and thought "Let's try something" and i wanted to see if i could flow on it.
I guess I shouldn't lmao, it's kinda boring.

Soo I just did that for the sake of it, i ain't got no rapname because i don't claim to be a rapper or something, i just record when i'm bored. you can hear english isn't my mom's language.

The beat is "A day's end" by Apollo Brown.

Link : http://hulkshare.com/fk6s409ijv8w

Feel free to criticize.

[Xray]

That wasn't that bad. The beat choice is good and it's melody is nice. For a beginner rapping in English, your accent isn't that bad. I can see you rapping fluent in a year or two's worth. What you need to do is, take those rhymes concept, keep the ideas, and think of more syllables to rhyme in each line. Visual more capturing images, things that make the listener interested in what's next to come. Like..

A day of night's chills keep the reels always filmin'
It feels like goosebumps in Texas hallway buildings

Your voice is cool, not bad. Flow wasn't bad, delivery wasn't that bad either.

[Trimss]

^ thanks for taking your time to explain me what is wrong and what is ok.

I'll try to proceed like you told me to. Thanks dude!

[Xray]

No problem.

[Scrubz]

You need quite a bit of work, flow wasnt there it was just all mushed to gether. Same with the rhymes. There was no beat really in that, sounded more like an intro. Your not rapin you just talking, no emotion. I guess the best thing to do is practice start simple, and grow from it.

[Atone]

Sounds ok, horns in the beat are to loud tho, but this would sound real good on a different beat

[Jay Tunes]

it was ok.. idk if the beat gets more pumped later, if it doesnt then.. ehhh its not really bump-able if its so slow.. unless the flow is extra dope.. ya feel me?

also i feel like your voice is a lil too nasal, maybe bigger breaths? it used to happen to me, but maybe thats just your voice..