Sick jokes

[Sam.]

A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That’s right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My arse is killing me."

[mdemaz]

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, "So, Liz, how's your sex life these days?" Liz replies, "Oh, you know. It's the usual, Social Security kind." "Social Security?" Nina asked quizzically. "Yeah, you get a little each month, but it's not enough to live on."

[Sam.]

A salesman decides to try for a new job in a department store.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The man, "Yeah, I’ve been a salesman all my life."
The boss liked him, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.? I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.? After the shop was locked up, the boss came down.? "How many sales did you make today?"
The salesman says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"£50,237.64."
"£50,237.64?? What the hell did you sell him?"
"First I sold him a some fish hooks.Then I sold him a new fishing rod.? Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that big twin engine job. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the car department and sold him a 4x4 Land Rover."

The boss said, "Somebody came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
"No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, since your weekend’s fucked, you may as well go fishing."

[Sam.]

Q: Ever hear of the Gary Glitter burger?

A: It’s 60 year old meat in ten year old buns.

[mdemaz]

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

[Sam.]

A lad comes home from school and says "Dad, what’s a cunt", his Dad slaps him and tells him not to be so rude, the lad begs him as his mates are all taking the piss for not knowing.

Feeling sorry for him the dad looks down and says "Follow me son"

They walk into the bathroom where the wife is in the bath, "You see that black hairy thing in between your mothers legs son?"

"Well the rest of her’s a cunt"

[mdemaz]

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it." He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

[Sam.]

A man went into in to a clock repairers renowned for its" drop dead gorgeous woman assistant. He walked up to the assistant and slapped his todger down on the counter.

The assistant took one look at his prick and said "Excuse me sir but this is a clock repairers not a cock reairers."

"I know," he replied, "but I want two hands and a face on this right away!!"

[mdemaz]

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."

[Sam.]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns Green

When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a fucking great big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond.

[Sam.]

After years as pager drones the three backbenchers were are last rewarded. A fact finding visit to Amsterdam as members of the sub-commitee on vice. After a very hard two days the three were down to just a few hunded guilders but devotion to duty made them decide that they had to spend the lot so they were standing outside a very run down brothel which offered services at 100 200 and 300 guilders.

The first found that he could only afford the cheapest service and agreed to go first and report back. Some time later he emerged with a big smile on his face. "So what did you get ?" the others asked in unison.

"It was great !" he said "She put a pineapple ring over my dick and slowly ate it off."

With this the next decided to invest 200 guilders and went in. He too came out with a smile. "The same but with TWO pineapple rings !" he smirked.

The last MP dashed in clutching his final 300 guilders only to stomp out with a scowl 10 minutes later. "What’s wrong ?" the others asked.

"Well it started out the same - three pinapple rings - but then she squirted it with cream and put a cherry on the top..."

"And then ... and then ..." enquired the other fact finders.

"And then ... it looked so fucking good I ate it myself."

[mdemaz]

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass." After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[Raids-God]

The Reutrn of the sick jokes thread

[mdemaz]

A young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"

[Sam.]

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?"

The father, surprised answers, "Well son, there’s three kinds of breasts...
In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round & firm.
In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mum, how many types of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties & forties, it’s like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."