How To Fuck Over A Fat Person

[Maybe]

On my old blog I started writing a series called "How To Fuck Over", and this is one of the better ones. Enjoy!


Public bathrooms are a good place to hang out if you're in the search for a life threatening STD or a shady character selling pills that he claims are ecstasy, but are probably just condensed baby laxative and Tylenol PM. It's not just the toilet rim that is infested with bacteria and possibly hepatitis, either. It's everywhere. Nobody washes their hands after urinating. Of course, some guys run the sink water so that the people in the stall think that their hands are being washed, but nobody truly does. Nobody.

Even with all the evidence that public bathrooms are the number one hangout for infectious diseases, gangs such as the Bloods and Crips, and serial killers such as Son Of Sam, my problem is with something completely different. I hate when the person in the stall next to yours tries to spark a conversation while dropping the brown bombs. Repainting the toilet is a sacred process, and requires concentration and silence. Alas, there's always some fat guy with an agenda to tell you about his "make believe" wife, pet ferret and mint condition Pokemon card collection while I help sink the brown titanic. What can you do the next time a blob tries to initiate small talk in the bathroom? Simple, pee on his shoes from your stall. Whip out the saber, aim, and fire. He'll probably be shocked for several seconds (which will give you prime time to wipe your ass), then he'll follow his gasp of anguish with a slippery attempt to rise from the toilet seat, most likely resulting in his collapse. See, the good thing about urine is that it's slippery, like most liquids on marble (or more likely ceramic) floor tiles.

You're free from the clutches of random conversations with strangers, now what? You wait for him to emerge from the restroom by hiding behind a chubby waitress, and follow him to his seat at the restaurant, or comic book store (the only two places fat people are known to frequent). He'll take his seat, and either dive back in to his burger or superman collectors edition issue (depending on the location). Approach his table with caution, fat people are known to become alarmed and screech at a high tone that could cause your ear drums to explode. Now, take a seat across from him and spark a random conversation about things fat people like.

Things fat people like:

1: Food

2: Comic books

3: Drive Thru

4: Large Mattresses

5: Cats

Befriend the beast, and soon you will be invited in to his lair. Once inside the man cave of this monstrous behemoth, ask if you could possibly use his bathroom. Inside of the restroom, lift the top part of the toilet tank, bend your bottom in as flexible a position as you possibly can and shoot diarrheal missiles in to the top tank of his unsuspecting chili bowl. NOTE: It's best to load up on Mexican dishes such as refried beans and taco meat, as this will prove handy. Now flush, and RUN. Don't wipe, there's no time! RUN! His entire house will smell like crap for weeks!


Disclaimer: If you are fat and have been offended. Go eat away your sadness. I have fat friends and my cat is fat. Learn to take a joke.

[yoshi]

I've always loved your blog, been checking it out every once in a while. Funny thing is we got the same style of writing; I used to write alot back in the days and spread it all over the class/school, I was thinking of going back to it. I'd share some of it with you, but it's mostly in Polish.. Just learn it.


Love it btw.

[Devil'sAdvocate]

i now love you more bro.

that was some dope shit tbh,the expressions used are fucking creative and funny as fuck.

whip out the saber

yo just a lil note,i dont touch my penis when i pee,yall do that?

hence i dont wash my hands,Gizzicle shizznet fashawz,save time son.

oh and yeah im 220 pounds.

[Devil'sAdvocate]

yo just a lil note,i dont touch my penis when i pee,yall do that?

I have to hold mine from submerging in the water.

This was a fantastic read. Belongs in both the Comedy section and Creative Writing section

i have the ability to aim it using my penistelekinesis ability.

G SHXT!

[Maybe]

Thanks for the comments dudes, I'll try to get the rest of the good ones posted later this week.

[ThomasAguanis]

@ top shelfing the toilet of a fat person.

My friend did that to my other friend once. I'm still not sure why I didn't discourage him from doing it.

[Maybe]

:laughing: @ top shelfing the toilet of a fat person.

My friend did that to my other friend once. I'm still not sure why I didn't discourage him from doing it.

Because it's way too funny?

[ThomasAguanis]

Because it's way too funny?

That could be a big part of it. My friend loves to talk (especially at the age of 15-6) so I thought he wasn't going to go through with it, but he did.

[Maybe]

Because it's way too funny?

That could be a big part of it. My friend loves to talk (especially at the age of 15-6) so I thought he wasn't going to go through with it, but he did.

Haha, I think that's what makes it even more epic. You build it up a ton, everyone thinks you're all talk, then, all of a sudden you take a dump in the upper deck.

Classic.

[ThomasAguanis]

Haha, I think that's what makes it even more epic. You build it up a ton, everyone thinks you're all talk, then, all of a sudden you take a dump in the upper deck.

Classic.

It was pretty epic. We were at my friend's house and he had to leave to go somewhere. My other friend and I waited for him to leave and the top shelfing took place. It all happened very quickly. I think my friend was talking about doing it to someone before that, and he seized the opportunity presented to him.

[Maybe]

Haha, I think that's what makes it even more epic. You build it up a ton, everyone thinks you're all talk, then, all of a sudden you take a dump in the upper deck.

Classic.

It was pretty epic. We were at my friend's house and he had to leave to go somewhere. My other friend and I waited for him to leave and the top shelfing took place. It all happened very quickly. I think my friend was talking about doing it to someone before that, and he seized the opportunity presented to him.

I'm just curious now, how bad did it smell?

[ThomasAguanis]

I'm just curious now, how bad did it smell?

Honestly, I'm not sure. We didn't stick around long enough to find out. It was done minutes after my one friend left, and we left as soon as the shit was in place. It was in our friend's bedroom. If I remember correctly, his room consisted of 3 sections/rooms, a room you walk in where he had a desk/book shelf, a bathroom you walk through, and then the room where his bed was. I waited in the 1st room while my friend was in the bathroom, so I didn't have to walk through it. My friend did always smell bad though, so I feel it's safe to assume his shit did as well.

[Maybe]

I'm just curious now, how bad did it smell?

Honestly, I'm not sure. We didn't stick around long enough to find out. It was done minutes after my one friend left, and we left as soon as the shit was in place. It was in our friend's bedroom. If I remember correctly, his room consisted of 3 sections/rooms, a room you walk in where he had a desk/book shelf, a bathroom you walk through, and then the room where his bed was. I waited in the 1st room while my friend was in the bathroom, so I didn't have to walk through it. My friend did always smell bad though, so I feel it's safe to assume his shit did as well.

Man, that's some classic stuff right there. I've always wondered if that top shelfing was as lethal as some claim. Evidently it's nearly impossible to get rid of the smell once you flush the water, because little by little the shit spreads through the system. I'm no plumber, but I imagine the shit is only supposed to go down one pipe, and it's not that one hahaha.

[ThomasAguanis]

Man, that's some classic stuff right there. I've always wondered if that top shelfing was as lethal as some claim. Evidently it's nearly impossible to get rid of the smell once you flush the water, because little by little the shit spreads through the system. I'm no plumber, but I imagine the shit is only supposed to go down one pipe, and it's not that one hahaha.

From what I've heard, the process is super slow. The water in the toilet is clear at first, but when you flush it, it turns brown (or whatever color the shit in the top is). I'm pretty sure the top tank is what refills the toilet with clean water after you flush it. Contaminating this with shit can only lead to problems. I'd imagine it'd be hard to drain, especially with shit in it. I'm not a plumber either, but I think you'd have to shut the water off to the toilet and then clean it manually. I don't think flushing the toilet until the water is clear again would work, the shit would be broken apart and be all over everything in the tank. Ahh, the just the thought of having to deal with that is horrible. I hope it never happens to me. I know I'll never do it to anyone, but it would be a pretty solid form of revenge that's not violent and relatively untraceable.

[Maybe]

Man, that's some classic stuff right there. I've always wondered if that top shelfing was as lethal as some claim. Evidently it's nearly impossible to get rid of the smell once you flush the water, because little by little the shit spreads through the system. I'm no plumber, but I imagine the shit is only supposed to go down one pipe, and it's not that one hahaha.

From what I've heard, the process is super slow. The water in the toilet is clear at first, but when you flush it, it turns brown (or whatever color the shit in the top is). I'm pretty sure the top tank is what refills the toilet with clean water after you flush it. Contaminating this with shit can only lead to problems. I'd imagine it'd be hard to drain, especially with shit in it. I'm not a plumber either, but I think you'd have to shut the water off to the toilet and then clean it manually. I don't think flushing the toilet until the water is clear again would work, the shit would be broken apart and be all over everything in the tank. Ahh, the just the thought of having to deal with that is horrible. I hope it never happens to me. I know I'll never do it to anyone, but it would be a pretty solid form of revenge that's not violent and relatively untraceable.

Yeah, seriously, you can't really beat that as the best non-violent form of revenge. I mean, if it really spreads slowly like that and needs to be cleaned manually, I'd say it's something to look in to. I don't know what I'd do if it was done to me, though, I'm on the same page of not being able to imagine how horrible it must be to clean it.