Funniest lines

[Devil'sAdvocate]

-put a bulletproof vest on and shootmyself in the head

-I told doc I need a change in sickness, so i gave a girl herpes in exchange for syphlis

-I just rememberd that I'm abscent minded, wait I mean I lost my mind I can't find it

-Dumpin your dead body inside of a fucking trash can with more holes than an afghan

-I wanted an album so rugged nobody can touch it/spent a million a track, now i'm over my budget/Now in the fuck am I supposed to get out of debt?/I Can't rap anymore I just murdered the alphabet

[RKOunion]

I used to sell pizzas, now I got twelve visas
So tell Jesus I'm gonna quit sinning when hell freezes

- Till Hell Freezes Over

[MikeNUFC]

"Slit her stomach open with a scapel when she was six months and said "I'm ready now bitch, ain't you feelin' these kicks, cunt"

-Any Man

"The slut gave me a truck when I turned sixteen; I went to start it and it screamed, "Please fix me!" -

-When To Stand Up - it's the way he says it that makes it so funny

"I've got a beautiful wife, kids and a gorgeous home/What would make me jump in a tub with a cordless phone?"

-Stir Crazy

Loads more, but those are 3 of my favourites.

[IrishShady]

The whole first verse of Criminal

My words are like a dagger with a jagged edge,
That'll stab you in the head,
Whether you're a fag or lez,
Or the homosex, Hermaph or a Trans-A-Vest,
Pants or dress, Hate fags? The answer's "yes"
Homophobic? Nah, you're just heterophobic,
Starin' at my jeans, watching my genitals bulging (Ooh!)
That's my motherfucking balls, You'd better let go of 'em
They belong in MY scrotum, You'll never get hold of em! (Hah-Haaa!)
Hey, It's me, Versace,
Whoops, Somebody shot me!
And I was just checking the mail,
Get it? Checking the male?
How many records you expecting to sell,
After your second LP sends you directly to jail?
C'mon! Relax guy, I like gay men,
Right, Ken? Gimme an amen (AAA-men!)
Please Lord, This boy needs Jesus,
Heal this child, Help us destroy these demons,
Oh, And please send me a brand new car,
And a prostitute while my wife's sick in the hospital,
Preacher preacher, Fifth grade teacher,
You can't reach me, My mom can't neither,
You can't teach me a goddamn thing cause,
I watch TV, And Comcast cable,
And you ain't able to stop these thoughts,
You can't stop me from topping these charts,
And you can't stop me from dropping each March,
With a brand new CD for these fucking retards (Duhhhh)
And to think, It's just little ol' me
Mr Don't Give A Fuck still won't leave

[Slim Fiasco]

I remembered this magic trick
Ta ta ta ta tan...
Go go gadget dick!

-Sorry Puff, but I don't give a fuck if this chick was my own mother
I'd still fuck her with no rubber
And cum inside of her, have a son and a new brother at the same time
And just say that it ain't mine

Stole your momma’s Acura, wrecked it, and sold it back to her.

I’m so high, I don’t even know what label I’m on - it's the way he says it.

I am more or less sick in the head; Maybe more
Cause I smoked crack today, yesterday and the day before

I'm dumb enough to walk in a store and steal
So I'm dumb enough to ask for a date with Lauryn Hill

Bought Lauryn Hill's tape so her kids could starve

[Amaranthine]

Most of my favorites have already been mentioned, but here's some more.

Now get off my dick
Dick's too short of a word for my dick
Get of my antidisestablishmentarianism, you prick
-Almost Famous

My mother started screamin', "What are you on, drugs?"
Look at you, you're gettin' blood all over my rug!
She beat me over the head with the remote control
Opened a hole, and my whole brain fell out of my skull
I picked it up and screamed, "Look bitch, what have you done?"
"Oh my God, I'm sorry, son," "Shut up you cunt," I said, "Fuck it"
Took it and stuck it back up in my head
Then I sewed it shut and put a couple of screws in my neck
-Brain Damage

I told this bitch in gym class
That she was too fat to swim laps, she needed Slim Fast (Who, me?)
Yeah bitch you so big you walked into big Tanny's and stepped on Jenny Craig
She picked me up to snap me like a skinny twig
Put me in the headlock, then I thought of my guinea pig
I felt the evilness and started transformin (RARRRR!)
It began storming, I heard a bunch of cheering fans swarming
Grabbed that bitch by her hair
Drug her across the ground
And took her up to the highest diving board and tossed her down
Sorry coach, its too late to tell me stop
While I drop this bitch face down and watch her belly flop
-As the World Turns

So I went back and read the first few letters that said
Some shit about a message you left
Oh shit, that's not an "E" that's an "A"
This dude wants to leave me a "massage," he's gay!!
-Can I Bitch

[Bananastyle]

-People get in my face and ask
If I want to battle, then I chase em in a Jason mask
(The mental image is what makes this one so hilarious to me)


-You beef with me, I'ma even the score equally
Take you on Jerry Springer and beat your ass legally


-Me and Marcus Allen went over to see Nicole
When we heard a knock at the door, must have been Ron Gold'
Jumped behind the door, put the orgy on hold
Killed em both and smeared blood in a white Bronco (we did it!)


-Look - I'll burn your fuckin house down, circle around
and hit the hydrant, so you can't put your burning furniture out


-Shit the day that happens the world'll stop spinning and Michael J. Fox will come to a stand still
During an earthquake...etc.
(Funny! But we're still going to hell for laughing at it) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INdWgpqMByE <--If you can watch that and not feel bad for laughing at that line, you have no soul

[Bananastyle]

I'm dumb enough to walk in a store and steal
So I'm dumb enough to ask for a date with Lauryn Hill

Bought Lauryn Hill's tape so her kids could starve

This.

Lines like that can get dated but still funny as ever to me.

[Slim Fiasco]

I'm dumb enough to walk in a store and steal
So I'm dumb enough to ask for a date with Lauryn Hill

Bought Lauryn Hill's tape so her kids could starve

This.

Lines like that can get dated but still funny as ever to me.

Same here. And I see you like Role Model, props!

[Revtone]

And Dr. Dre said... nothing you idiots!
Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in my basement! ha ha



I was born with a dick in my brain, yeah fucked in the head
My stepfather said that I sucked in the bed 'Til one night he snuck in and said
We're going out back, I want my dick sucked in the shed

[SicilianuAmericanu]

Went to the hospital to get a chest X-ray
Checked out the next day in a dress wit a sex change

you probably think I'm in your tape deck now
I'm in the back seat of your truck, with duct tape stretched out
Ducked the fuck way down, waitin to straight jump out
put it over your mouth, and grab you by the face, what now?

Oh - you want me to watch my mouth, how?
Take my fuckin eyeballs out, and turn em around?

I'm sorry, there must be a mix-up
You want me to fix up lyrics while the President gets his dick sucked?

I met a slut and said "What up, its nice to meet ya"
I'd like to treat ya to a Faygo and a slice of pizza
But I'm broke as fuck and I don't get paid till the first of next month
But if you care to join me, I was bout to roll this next blunt
But I ain't got no weed, no phillies, or no papers
Plus I'm a rapist and a repeated prison escapist
So gimme all your money
And don't try nothing funny
Cause you know your stinking ass is too fat to try to outrun me

five blunts and you expect me to die once
with nine lives effing chickens in front of my blind wives
suicidal my friends tell me to try knives

Doing drive bys and miss you with five tries

(In Mr. Makey voice)
Alright kids I'll dismiss this class
I'm going back in the broom closet to sniff this gas
Mr. Mathers just missed the bathroom, pissed his pants and the world still kissed his ass

There's a million of them

[Fleka]

Your flow is off to a slow start like fat people in go karts

[RKOunion]

But I'm more toward droppin an accapella
And choppin' a fella, to mozarella
Worse than a hellacopta propella

Got you locked in the cella
With your skeleton showing
Developing anorexia, while I'm standin next to ya
Eating a full course meal watching you starve to death
With an IV in your veins, feeding you liquid darvicet

- It's Only Fair to Warn

[Elmar]

Talkin about I fabricated my past
He's just aggravated I won't ejaculate in his ass (Uhh!)
So tell me, what the hell is a fella to do?
For every million I make, another relative sues
Family fightin and fussin over who wants to invite me to supper
All the sudden, I got 90 some cousins (Hey it's me!)
A half-brother and sister who never seen me
or even bothered to call me until they saw me on TV
Now everybody's so happy and proud
I'm finally allowed to step foot in my girlfriend's houseHey-hey! And then to top it off, I walked to the newsstand
to buy this cheap-ass little magazine with a food stamp
Skipped to the last page, flipped right fast
and what do I see? A picture of my big white ass
Okay, let me give you motherfuckers some help:
uhh, here - DOUBLE XL, DOUBLE XL
Now your magazine shouldn't have so much trouble to sell
Ahh fuck it, I'll even buy a couple myself

Eminem - Marshall Mathers

I personally love this part, especially the lines in bold.

[ShadyDove]

From Puke- "My next girlfriend, now her name's gotta be Kim, shii-ii-iii-iii-iiii-iii-it". The way he says it...
And As The World Turns is one of his top 10 best songs ever, imo.