Sick jokes

[the real slim shady]

i was having a first aid lesson in school today, and the teacher concluded the lesson by saying 'so what would you do if you saw a baby chocking?' to which i replied 'take your penis out its mouth'.

I've been given an afterschool detention, but it was worth it.

(That it a true story by the way, i was quite proud of myself. My teacher didnt see the funny side to it )

[Sam.]

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mum, where do babies come from?
Mum: ... Well dear....a mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mum: Jewelery, dear.

[mdemaz]

I'm out of jokes..

[Sam.]

I'm out of jokes..

i am not

A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bedside lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her fanny.

He did this for only a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book. The wife eventually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started dancing naked in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing ?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my fanny I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight".
The husband said, "No, not at all".
The wife then asked, "Well, then what the hell were you doing then ?"
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

[Sam.]

A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a monster prick.

To the man’s amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his dick into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams it into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams it into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.

The giant approaches the scared guy having a piss.
"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.
"Yes," replies the guy taking a leak.
"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?"
"No, I’m afraid I don’t,"
"I’m going to shove it up your arse !"
"Jesus, that’s a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"

[Sam.]

Indian chief decided it was time to give his 3 sons their adult names as they had reached manhood. So he gathered them in to his tent, together with the elders of the tribe.

He turns to the 1st son, "Son, you will be called Eagle. "
The 3rd son interrupts, "Father, father, what will I be called?"
"All in good time my son", replies the Chief.
He continues, "you will be called Eagle because you are strong and wise."
The Elders agreed.

He then turns to the 2nd son, but the 3rd son says "Father,father, what will I be called?"
"All in good time, my son" he replies.
He then continues to the 2nd son, "Son you will be called Swallow".
The 3rd son says again "Father, father, what will I be called?".
"All in good time my son" comes the reply.
He then continues, "you will be named Swallow because you are quick and cunning."
The Elders agree.

He then turns to the 3rd son who is asking, "Father Father,what will I be called?"
"Son, you will be called Thrush."
"Why is that father?" he asked excitedly.
"Because you are an irritating cunt."

[Sam.]

A man walked out into the street and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You’re just like Dave."

The passenger said, "Who?"

The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

The rider said, "Well, nobody’s perfect."

The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole street."

The rider said, "No wonder you remember him."

The cabbie said, "Well no, I never actually met Dave."

The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?"

The cabbie exclaimed, "I married his widow!"

[the real slim shady]

[Sam.]

Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horse riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

[Sam.]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work.’

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.’

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........



































































You got nice house’

[Chet Starr]

Three convicts were on their way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horse riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

That was great

[Sam.]

Superman is at a loose end one night an decides to ring a couple of friends to go out for a drink and go on the pull. So he rings Spiderman but he’s too busy spinning webs.
Then he rings Batman.
"Sorry Superman me and Robin are washing the bat mobile tonite."
So he rings Ice Man.
"Sorry Superman I’ve got a load of icebergs to make tonight they’re all melting at the north pole."

So he thinks fuck this I’ll go for a fly round the world to pass some time on. He’s flying over some corn fields when he sees Wonder Woman laying stark naked in the field with her legs wide open. He think’s fuck me this is too good of an opportunity to pass so he flies down in supersonic mode and shags her then flies off before she knows who it was.

Wonder Women gets up and says "Who the fuck was that ?"
The Invisible Man says "I dont know but my arse is killing me !"

[Sam.]

A man goes to his doctors with a huge and embarrassing problem. He has a 25 inch penis and every time a girl sees it, they always say its too big and he never gets laid. So he goes to the doctor hoping there was something he could do to help him. The doctor said he wouldn’t feel comfortable doing surgery, but he knew of a witch doctor who could be able to help, so the doctor gave the man directions, and the man went thinking he would try anything to help him with this dilemma.

When he arrived at the witch doctors, he explained the situation and the witch doctor thought for a few moments before saying "I know of a way to help. Deep in the forset directly south of here, you will find an ugly pixie. Approach this pixie, and ask her to marry you. The pixie will reply NO! and as she says that word, your penis shall shrink by 5 inches."

The man didnt believe in this nonsense, but he thought he had nothing to lose, so he did as instructed, and sure enough he happened upon the pixie. He approached her, thinking about how stupid he felt. And mumbled "Pixie will you marry me?" to which the pixie looked him up and down, and replied "NO!"

The man felt an unusual tingling sensation, and sure enough his penis was actually 5 inches shorter. Amazed the man laughed with joy, and thought at 20 inches it was still too big, so he approached the pixie again, and asked again "Pixie will you marry me?" to which the pixie, looked at the man, seeming rather annoyed this time, and replied "NO!!!"

The man looked down and saw his penis shrink again to 15 inches. He thought to himself "This is amazing, just 5 more inches and I will have the perfect penis."

He approached the pixie for a third time and said "Pixie, will you marry me?"

This time the pixie looked at the man, with pure anger burning in her eyes and she screamed "I’VE TOLD YOU TWICE NOW! GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK HEAD! NO! NO! NO!!!"

[GenePeer]

What do a lobster and an Asian run over by a steam roller have in common?
They're both crushed-asians.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replies, "Meow."

An Asian guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get a hunat eighty?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

Larry gets home late one night and his wife Linda says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow, two, once in a while I like to play with my money, three, I like how money feels in my hand and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzos."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some Olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Damn, I've been going through the large collection and it's hard to find anything worth posting

[Sam.]

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, COW !

The women immediately leans out her window and yells, TOSSER !

They each continue on their way, and as the women rounds the next curve, she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road and dies.

If only women would listen.