Sick jokes

[TheGentlePlayer]

A man is driving down a road. A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, COW !

The women immediately leans out her window and yells, TOSSER !

They each continue on their way, and as the women rounds the next curve, she crashes into a huge cow in the middle of the road and dies.

If only women would listen.

[Sam.]

36 DD breasts, covered in warm belgium chocolate....

1 inch erect nipples pierced with gold nipple rings topped with whipped cream....

Clean shaven pussy framed by an open crotched leather thong....

Moist salty clit smothered in Blackberry Jam....

This is not just any porn....

This is M&S porn.

[Sam.]

Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Billy says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that’s a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob."

[TheGentlePlayer]

Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Billy says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that’s a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob."

[the real slim shady]

today in class my teacher said 'if i give you £20 and you give 5 to tilly, 5 to chloe and 5 to samantha, what do you have?'
'3 blowjobs and enough for a kebab' wasnt the right answer apparently.

not sure if that one is already here somewhere, but it is pretty good..

[Sam.]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional..
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her..
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious, that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with big tits.

[Sam.]

Mr. Perkins, the biology teacher at a posh girl’s school, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."

With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your homework. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

[Sam.]

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It’s a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up ... I’ll get my hat."

[Sam.]

What woman can..

wash up with her left hand
cook the dinner with her right hand
sweep the floor with her left leg
do the dusting with her right leg
give you a blow-job and...
open a bottle of beer using her arse

[Sam.]

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, shooting him right through the penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor.

When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card.

"This is my brother’s card. I’ll make an appointment for you to see him."

The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"

"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye."

[TheGentlePlayer]

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional..
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her..
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.. She
was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious, that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now and am looking for a girl with big tits.

LMAO

[Sam.]

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "This guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"

"I’m so relieved you feel that way." the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "He just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight arse!"

[Eedee]

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster's feet, what would I have?
Two feet of my cock in your ass.

What do you call the sweat on your body after you've screwed your own sister?
Relative humidity.

Why didn't the cross-eyed seamstress ever get a period?
She couldn't mend straight.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline you take your boots off.

[the real slim shady]

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster's feet, what would I have?
Two feet of my cock in your ass.

winning

[Sam.]

Bill and Nancy where recently maried but they couldent talk they communicate with sign language.

Nancy tells bill when you feel like having sex grab my left tit, when you don’t feel like having sex grab my right tit.

Then bill tels nancy when you feel like having sex pull my dick once when you don’t feel like having sex pull my dick one hundred times.