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I'm Still Alive.

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I'm Still Alive.

Postby Sam. » Sep 14th, '11, 20:15

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[Verse]
She was a young lady still under thirty ,
rescued form near death from her dungeon lately ,
her eyes sunk in surfacing a pale expression ,
days spent with juggling fatal injections,
could read his name from the pores on her hand,
ignores the fact ,plays his videos until the recorder cracks ,
wife of a mute soldier buried as an unsung hero ,
I wonder how come she knows that he died due to his dumb ego ,
offering tears to his grave was the last time I saw you ,
those moments of truth ,no one understood ,was just..... awful,
government neglects her part of the story that reflects how hard ,
it is to survive with no one to collect the awards ,
few weeks pass and her in laws force her to marry me ,
succumbs to this unfairly means ,even when our eyes barely meet ,
she is my wife now ,I move ahead and kiss the bride ,
like the shore that missed the tide couldn’t feel the bliss inside ,
roses at the door with a note ,high time the hotel bill arrived,
the words shatter the will I’ve because it read I’m still alive .


LOF
Last edited by Sam. on Oct 17th, '11, 19:33, edited 5 times in total.
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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby Drug.Ballad » Sep 14th, '11, 20:57

Nice writting peice :y:
I also had to read it twice but thats because i was a bit slow at getting what was going on. It flowed really well, and like Cream, the line i liked most was:

wife of a mute soldier buried as an unsung hero


You might want to correct your typo's though, theres a few in there.
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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby Sam. » Sep 14th, '11, 21:13

Thanks guys . *Waits for people to return feed* :whistle: :angry:
Drug.Ballad wrote:You might want to correct your typo's though, theres a few in there.

Done . :shifty:
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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby Sam. » Sep 15th, '11, 13:43

Hesky wrote:Good stuff :y:

I would have personally used different/more complex vocab in places, but the multi syllables and flow were so on point I was able to overlook it :happy: You didn't reach or force any rhymes, they just happened naturally and were dope. Awesome :8)

:worship:
I did put some efforts in this . :y:
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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby Sam. » Sep 15th, '11, 18:40

B to the ump . :angry:
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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby SG. » Sep 15th, '11, 22:11

That was great. I can see why you took it out, but that's probably just as good, if not better, than mine.
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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby RainMan44 » Sep 16th, '11, 20:21

Some poetic shit right there man :y:


Even if some lines weren't (first 6 lines or so...though you had a decent amount of 'em) flooded with multies, you made up for it in other ways.


Great use of vocab, and some deep stuff in there, man.

"Few weeks pass and her in laws force her to marry me,
Succumbs to this unfairly means, even when our eyes barely meet
She is my wife now, I move ahead and kiss the bride,
like the shore that missed the tide couldn’t feel the bliss inside."

:worship:


Good shit dawg :b:
"This dude doing this interview wants me to spin a few,
Lyrics while I tie my tennis shoes in the nude
A romantic interlude in a livin’ room,
In an inner tube with a dude with a bit of lube
Fuck that I’m sniffin’ glue, sippin' gin & juice,
And a little bit of paint thinner with my dinner too,
You better pay me for my bars like your rent is due,
Now hurry up and finish dude before I finish you."




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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby Sam. » Sep 16th, '11, 20:43

:worship:

Glad y'll liked this.

Just an explanation of a certain thing that I did and I guess no one noticed it. :p

her eyes sunk in surfacing a pale expression
Here pale means light(double meaning) ,as we know things with less weight surface up so i put it in the same line as the words sunk in to make it sound better.
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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby RainMan44 » Sep 16th, '11, 20:50

Sam. wrote::worship:

Glad y'll liked this.

Just an explanation of a certain thing that I did and I guess no one noticed it. :p

her eyes sunk in surfacing a pale expression
Here pale means light(double meaning) ,as we know things with less weight surface up so i put it in the same line as the words sunk in to make it sound better.



didn't catch that, nice little addition right there. :y:
"This dude doing this interview wants me to spin a few,
Lyrics while I tie my tennis shoes in the nude
A romantic interlude in a livin’ room,
In an inner tube with a dude with a bit of lube
Fuck that I’m sniffin’ glue, sippin' gin & juice,
And a little bit of paint thinner with my dinner too,
You better pay me for my bars like your rent is due,
Now hurry up and finish dude before I finish you."




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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby J.R. » Sep 17th, '11, 15:18

DUDE. This track is fire. Literally, I have almost no criticism for this, minus work on your flow a tad bit, it was only off a little.

Hot damn, You Geno's alias or some shit?

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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby Man1x » Sep 17th, '11, 15:27

What B.Nutz said, this was dope. You should record this. :y:

My favorite line was: "like the shore that missed the tide couldn’t feel the bliss inside"

I also liked the rhymes and vocabulary and the flow was impressive but it could probably be improved just a little. The imagery was great too and wasn't hard to understand like some pieces on here. Amazing
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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby Sam. » Sep 17th, '11, 15:34

B.Nutz wrote:DUDE. This track is fire. Literally, I have almost no criticism for this, minus work on your flow a tad bit, it was only off a little.

Hot damn, You Geno's alias or some shit?

:worship:

Thanks breh !

About the flow,English is not my 1st language so the way i pronounce the words are different , so that would indirectly affect the flow.I am saying this because i wrote this while rapping it out loud and not just flowing it in the mind.
& I am not Geno's alias ha ha .

Eminememy wrote:What B.Nutz said, this was dope. You should record this. :y:

My favorite line was: "like the shore that missed the tide couldn’t feel the bliss inside"

I also liked the rhymes and vocabulary and the flow was impressive but it could probably be improved just a little. The imagery was great too and wasn't hard to understand like some pieces on here. Amazing

:worship:

Side Note:
Props to Sadistik for widening my Imagination .
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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby Sam. » Sep 17th, '11, 15:36

Menzo wrote:Very good piece Sam. Flowed nicely and your rhymed nice and I caught a lot of internals in that piece :worship: Content was great and I can tell this piece was written with a seemingly heavy mindset, I liked it man :y: Drop moarrr.

Last thing, "I wonder how come she knows that he died due to his dumb ego" - shots fired? :shifty:

Thanks breh ! :beerchug:
I won't fire shots at fellow writers who are better than me . :y:
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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby Man1x » Sep 17th, '11, 15:49

Yea, sorry Sam for not feeding ya earlier, I wasn't on for a majority of this week due to school work, nothing personal bro
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Re: I'm Still Alive .

Postby Sam. » Sep 17th, '11, 15:57

Eminememy wrote:Yea, sorry Sam for not feeding ya earlier, I wasn't on for a majority of this week due to school work, nothing personal bro

No problem . :happy:
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