Sick jokes

[zedzero27]

"I'd give my first born to not be able to have children"

[mdemaz]

Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work & productivity from employees, it would be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than any one else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are specially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, & are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. we can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSIVE PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

[Sam.]

A young couple not long married find themselves falling deeper and deeper in debt. After many agonising days and nights they agree that the wife should go on the game to help make ends meet.

"What should I do" asks the wife."I dunno ,just put on something sexy and hang around by the gate" says hubby.

After a very short time a punter pulls up and enquires after the price of a shag. She informs him she is new to the game and doesn’t know how much a shag is but she will find out. She rushes inside and says that there is a fellow outside who wants to know how much a shag is. "60 quid" says hubby.

She rushes back to the punter conveying the price to him. He tells her that he only has £40 and what can he have for that. She tells him that she will find out. "A blow job" says hubby and back she goes.

The punter is happy and they settle into the car to commence business but wifey connot contain her absolute delight as the fellow whops out the biggest cock she has ever layed eyes on.

"Hang on" she tells him a runs in "Darling" she says to hubby "do you think we can lend him £20 quid?....."

[mdemaz]

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."

[Sam.]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to shit. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.

Her friend was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That’s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, ’From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’"

[mdemaz]

A freshman in college is looking around for the library. He finally decides to ask someone and, upon seeing a senior, goes up to him.

"Hey, do you know where the library is at?"

"Sure!", the senior responds, "but you really shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.."

"OK", says the freshman," Where is the library at, asshole?"

[the real slim shady]

go on youtube, and you will see it ^
i didnt know about e-drugs before... maybe i should try them

[Sam.]

This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called "out-of-the-blue" to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted. "I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I’m a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have." She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge". "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don’t mind a receding hairline, total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would
still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I’ve put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.

[mdemaz]

Horoscopes by Adam Sandler

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have major influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence but are still a general bad ass.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) You are sympathetic and
understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are a logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

[zedzero27]

Horoscopes by Adam Sandler

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

I'm born at 12:03 AM on Jan 23. I don't know which ones worse.

[iain08]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

Completely spoiled our 10 year anniversary.

[Sam.]

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks,"You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies,"It’s my husband -- he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused,"Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates,"Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I"ll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says "For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains,"She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public -- looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned,"Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!"
The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counselor smiled "That just means you should stay out of trouble." then continued "And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing."
"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don’t screw up."

[mdemaz]

Ok, three guys are walking though the desert when they come across an orchid in the middle of nowhere. They walked through it until they came to a house. Because of being half dead from walking so far in the heat they go to the front door and knock. A man opens the door.
"Food, food, water, water" they all chorused together. The man agreed to let them stay the night with a few rules, "in the left door, there is all the food you can eat, the right all the drink, but never ever go into the end door, do you understand???"
The three men agreed, and went to the left door to find the biggest amount of food ever! After a big feed they go into the right door. In the room was soft drink, water, wine, and a much appreciated alcohol. They drunk so much alcohol that they all stumbled their way into the end door. As they went in, they found a man sitting in a big room full of gold. The man said "Ok, I told you not to come in here, you'll have to pay the penalty!"
"what's that?" the 3 men asked.
"Go out into the orchid and pick 100 of your favorite fruit."
"Ok" the men though and went outside to the orchid.
One guy had finished picking his favorite fruit, grapes and took them to the man. "Ok, if you can fit all those grapes up your arse without laughing I'll let you off, otherwise you are my slave for a year!"
The first of the 3 guys thought "Easy" and started shoving them up his behind.
"50...60...70...80...85...90...95...96...97...98...99"
And as he went to put the last grape up his arse he looked out the window and started to laugh.
"Well, you came so close" the man said. "I'll let you go though, but never return!"
"oh thank you so much" said the 1st man kindly.
"no problem, but may I ask why you got so close and then laughed?"
"Oh, my mates are out there picking watermelons!"

[Sam.]

On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised. While the passengers were unloading, to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

The driver didn’t think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon.

Later, that very same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

This time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on.

He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?"

The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I’ve lost my toupee and I’m trying to find it. I thought I’d located it twice, but they were both parted in the middle, and mine’s parted on the side!"

[mdemaz]

A smart-ass fellow died and went to the Pearly Gates where he was confronted by St. Peter. Peter said," You're not so spotless. To get into heaven you must answer three questions correctly."

"Okay", says Mr Smart-Ass. "What two days of the week begin with the letter "T"? "Oh, that's easy. Today and Tomorrow.", says Smart-Ass. Peter, now nonplussed, asks "O.K. Smart-Ass, how many seconds are there in a year?" "Oh, that's easy." says Smart-Ass. "Twelve" "How do you figure that Smart-Ass?" Peter asks. "January second, February second, etc." Peter, now really nonplussed and really pissed, asks his third and most difficult question. "O.K. SMART-ASS, What's God's first name?" "Oh, that's easy. says Smart-Ass. It's Howard." Peter, now really pissed asks,"Pray tell, how do you know?" "Well, Peter, you should know this. It's in the Bible." "Where? Peter asks. "When Jesus said, 'Our Father, Who art in heaven Howard be thy name..."