Sick jokes

[mdemaz]

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her up the arse, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don’t watch the same movies.

[Sam.]

Code: Select all

An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said, "I believe it is the process of thought, it comes to one in a flash"
"Good try" agreed the Scot, "but I think blinking is even quicker."
"Pretty good but not quick enough," quipped the Welshman. " I am sure Electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light"

After a few moments Paddy cut in, "I believe you all have valid points but I think diarrhoea wins !"
"What the feck are you talking about, Paddy?" chimed the three other guys.

"Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed. However at 3 o’clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shat myself !"

[mdemaz]

[RainMan44]

THE AUSTRALIAN TAX OFFICE (ATO)


The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the ATO office.
The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his Lawyer

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.
'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's Lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?'
Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily. He can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney.
'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

[Sam.]

A man went to the dentist because his tooth was hurting.
The dentist told him after the examination that he need a root canal.

The man replied "O.K. lets do it".

The dentist told him he will feel a pinch when he gives him the injection of the numbing agent.

The man says "No Doc I am allergic to that."

The doctor tells him "O.K. I’ll give you Nitrous Oxide."

The man says "No Doc I am allergic to the gas."

So then the doctor gives him 2 pills with a glass of water & the man takes it.

The doctor comes back in 10 minutes & the man says "Doc will those 2 blue pills kill the pain?"

The doctor replies "No, that was Viagra."

The man says "Viagra!, I don’t need that! What’s that going to do for me?"

The doctor replies, "It will give you something to hang on to."

[mdemaz]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.

He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."

They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at the dog".

[Sam.]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?” Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $300.00 a week. Why?”

The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

[mdemaz]

A vicar is having a bath, and he’s a little down so he decides to, well, you know, "pleasure" himself. So he’s quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he’s just seen. Couple of minutes later, doorbell rings - it’s the window cleaner. Vicar is understanably embarrased, and asks the man how much he owes him.

"50 quid" comes the reply.

"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.

"Yep, 50 quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. Following week, the bishop’s round for his supper and is having a wander "round the vicar’s house, admiring his lovely home.

He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you’ve got there vicar, who does them for you?"

"Guy from the village does them for me, does a great job," replies the vicar

"How much does he charge you?"

"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"

"Fifty quid! Blimey!" says the bishop, "he must have seen you coming!"

[Sam.]

A salesman is going door to door. At one house a snotty little brat answers the door.

"Tell you what," he says to the salesman, "I can persuade my parents to buy pretty well anything. If you can do everything I can do, I’ll talk them into buying something. If you lose, then you give £10.00."

Figuring that there’s no way a nine-year-old brat could outsmart him, the salesman agrees to the deal. Immediately, the kid climbs up the drainpipe and hops onto the flat roof. The salesman does exactly the same.

The kid then runs across the roof, does a triple cartwheel and lands in the back garden, with the salesman following suit.

Then the kid runs to where his teenage sister is sunbathing, topless. He rushes over to her and kisses her on the left breast. Not to be outdone, the salesman leaps over and does the same.

The kid then gropes both his sisters tits. So does the salesman. Then the kid pulls down her bikini bottoms and licks her pussy, the salesman does likewise.

THEN the brat pulls out his dick, wraps it round his little finger, and says, "Where’s my tenner ..."

[mdemaz]

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what’s that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

[Sam.]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be £3,500 for small, £6,500 for medium, £14,000 for large.

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She’d rather have a new kitchen".

[Sam.]

It’s a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She’s wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He’s wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him" he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[mdemaz]

Zeus the greek god was flying over ancient Greece when he spotted a georgeous woman naked washing herself.

He made love to her then stroked her face and told her "In nine months you will have a child and you will call him Hercules!"

She dressed herself smiled and replied "In nine days you will have a rash and you will call it Herpes now fuck off!!"

[Sam.]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o’clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can’t you remember
about three months ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he’s told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[mdemaz]

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment.

name:
Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION:
Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY:
Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:
Scorpio with Libra rising.