Second Verse, Feeling like I Improved!

by **ShAdYTiLIDie** » Apr 6th, '12, 00:09

Hey guys, I wrote down all the advice yall gave me and put it in my notebook but for now I'm working on one thing at a time( I tried to add some multis and make more sense lol). Some parts dont really look like they flow because of lack of syllables or too many syllables but I did write it to a beat and most of it flowed pretty well and stayed on beat. Tell me what you think! Thanks!
Oops forgot link of Feed!: viewtopic.php?f=24&t=144327

I fire up the automatic
I aspire just to bust and bomb ya wack shit
your inspired.. by how hot my raps get
You need gods grace but I popped the pastor
Dont wait to get saved just pray "stop da madness"
I'll take you to the grave displayin lots of static
cause you see the fact is that I'm the baddest
snap back at me its like you shot a savage
this aint a hostile stabbing this is bloody murder
So shove me further but dont get butt hurt
when I nut in your mother
Fuck it I'll be son'n your brother
So get to runnin for cover
now your hovered in the after life
cause I bashed ya twice so pass the mic
noone listens to your wack insight
of your crappy life make a sacrifice
and grab a knife , slice your adams apple twice!

by **Strictt Ame** » Apr 6th, '12, 00:58

Not bad at all bro..I flowed it over Drake - "Forever" and it worked for me..multis were actually pretty good, didnt see ya first drop but for just a second written your ahead of the curve..my advice for your next piece would be add some metaphors or punches..or a topical if thats more your forte..but all in all it a solid drop..keep it up

by **ShAdYTiLIDie** » Apr 6th, '12, 01:48

Thanks man! My first drop wasnt so hot but I got some good advice and it helped out a lot. I have some trouble coming up with metaphors but I'll definitely work on it and try to put some in my next verse, then I'll start some topicals, thanks for the feed man.

by **Strictt Ame** » Apr 6th, '12, 01:55

For me, the key to metaphors/similies and punches is to NOT overthink it, cuz when you over think its gonna come out forced..
if you have to, brainstorm and just write down ideas like:
Get the message - SMS
Blunts and pussy - High Score

Just generic stuff, then when your writing try to incorperate the ideas as you go, but only if they fit what youre saying..hope that helps

by **ShAdYTiLIDie** » Apr 6th, '12, 02:43

Thanks for the advice man, It helps a lot and I need all the help I can get, just taking in all the info I can get right now. Ill definitely try that out as much as I can.

by **ChristinaE12** » Apr 6th, '12, 02:58

Definitely only try to work on one thing at a time. Otherwise you'll get too scattered and fall back in your ways.

Basically just try and constantly think of different ways to rhyme things. Once you get the natural feel for multi's then start trying to make more sense of it and move to something else. Then incorporate "better" story telling and so on. Sometimes beats help and sometimes I've seen it screw people up. So depending on you.

If you ever plan to record though then you might as well get a feel for beats sooner than later though. Otherwise you'll basically have to learn how to do things differently later down the road.

Basically do what you are. Don't try to rush things. Everyone has their own pace. Long as you progress is pretty much all that matters in the end.

by **ShAdYTiLIDie** » Apr 6th, '12, 20:49

Thanks for the Feed Christina, Beats help me stay on point a lot. Im just taking it slow for now!

by **ShAdYTiLIDie** » Apr 8th, '12, 01:58

@ Insane Trex Thanks dude, I took your advice and I have about 3 sheets of papers full of multi-syllable rhymes, however I think I'm going to have to start thinking about the rhymes with a concept in mind So I can make a topical written, Thanks for the info! I'll start working on metaphors and inverses next!

@ Menzo, Thanks a lot man! I havent started on a new piece yet but I was going to try to have a concept to it, But now that you mention it, Im going to try and get a few more pieces to make sure I'm polished up enough on multis. Thanks for the help man!

by **Words** » Apr 10th, '12, 15:33

Good job on taking in advice and applying it to your writing. I can see that you took it all with an open mind and came out /w a positive result.
I didn't catch your first verse the first time around, but I went back and looked to see if you improved. After looking at both verses, I would say you have improved by a significant margin. :y:

As for what i liked about this verse:
I liked the first half of the verse more than the second half. I think it flowed a bit nicer, and was structured better than the second half of your verse. You through in some multies in this half as well, they seemed to fit naturally here. Good job on including some. :y:

As for what I think you could still improve on:
Structure and flow. Even though it was ok in the first half of your verse, the second half was a bit choppy, and I had to read it a few times over. It's not major, it's just one point to give you to improve upon.

Questions:
What beat was this recorded over?

Hope to see more drops from you in this section. Now that I'm active in this section again, maybe I can give you more feed in the future. Keep at it.

by **ShAdYTiLIDie** » Apr 11th, '12, 02:30

Thanks for the feed Words, I'll work on structure a bit more next time, I tried to revise it to flow better but could not think of anything without sacrificing concept and rhyme. I wrote this to the Life and Death beat contest one that was posted in another section although I cant remember which one it was.
You will definitely be seeing more drops from me, hopefully they will be better than this, I'm working on about 3 pieces right now but I doubt all of them will be good enough to post. Thanks a lot for the comments and advice man!

by **CrashBand** » Apr 12th, '12, 13:29

Great improvement. :y:

Getting a grasp on multies man.

I found the flow very choppy. (of course you might be flowing it fine) But if not, keep practicing over beats if that works for you. I'm pretty new to writing also and my best bit of help was to start writing over beats. Flow comes oh so natural.

And keep improving and dropping!

oh and but hurt doesn't rhyme with bloody murder/shove me further

by **ShAdYTiLIDie** » Apr 13th, '12, 14:21

@ Crash band thanks for the feed! It actually sounded pretty good when I was going over a beat, but I can see where it would be hard to tell because syllables werent all lined up.