Alone (Fiasco Day 12)

[Mr.DGAF]

First off, let me say thanks to Fiasco for holding this experiment, it's been fun man. Thanks to everyone that dropped feed over the last 12 days, it's much appreciated. But it's finally over! I'm gonna need a break after this haha. But anyways, here's my last drop for the experiment. Wanted to make it special, hopefully it worked.


Feed: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=146431


There comes a time when every species hits the wall and dies
It's a given and when shit begins to end, I'll crawl to life
I'm prepared to walk the nights, but I'm in a stange predicament
To my surprise I woke up in a grave with achin' ligaments
On top of that I'm naked, injured with a swollen ankle
So I pulled my way up out the grave and moped in hopeful prayer
Yeah I know I maybe said I'll thrive but that was hypothetical
I mean, come on, I beg you not to judge me while I'm telling you
That I was scared beyond belief, I thought I'd been left all alone
Hoping this was all a dream, I'm running on testosterone
And nothing else, the dissaray has hit me like a missile aimed
Directly at my little brain, I look and see some distant graves
I sit and think about the ones that didn't make it through like me
Then suddenly I stoop and see the grave of who I used to be
It's got my name and everything, am I an angel roaming earth?
Or did they place me on my hearse and didn't check or know at first
That I'm alive? I figured pain inside my eyes has gone to show
That even if I'm all alone and tripping, this is not a joke
I've got to go and find some help, then suddenly I hear a sound
I spin around and try to picture where it is, the fear surrounds
Me now I'm tripping out, plus I see a hand come from the dirt
And then the other one emerges, I can't form my fucking words
But then it hit me, if this world is all we have I'll make it work
I know it's crazy, hey I'm sure it's not the way I prayed it were
But I cannot go change this curse, instead I flip the dead bitch over
Touch her face, carress her shoulders then proceed to sex the old girl
Rip her clothes off, thinking I can populate the earth again
I'll save this place and then I'll mend the world and work to merge the end
With new beginnings, that's my plan and that is how I'll solve it
So I act regardless of the morales, pop some acid from my pocket
Then a beam begins to shine on top of me, it lights the night
I think that maybe I'm not right, and it's a dream cause I have died
And this is me ascending up, but then I hear a violent yell
I turn around and see some fucking clown, and now he tries to help
Me off this body, then it hits me, damn I'm feeling bad, shit
I'm in a cemetary, fucking corpses, tripping acid....I told you not to judge me

[Sam.]

Nice story telling. It actually had me interested till the end, to find out; how it all sums up. The continuation in the phrase from the previous line is great. I tried it once but was subjected to a lot of criticism. But this is dope and is a lesson for me too. Because if I ever write again and decide to do it in this fashion, I would read this. Rhymes was smooth and I can't complain on the same platform that I did last time, all is good, my friend. Nice display of vocab too.Keep it up. The ending was a little flat, little...but that's okay.

[Atone]

what i love about everybody on here is everybody actually get's creative with their stuff, this was no different

you told a story and as i read thru the lyrics i imagined a music video, your flow was great, you told a story and was able to do it in a way that it gave off mental images of what you were saying, this is real good man.

[Block]

Where to start... You had some decent lines, but I feel some of them could have been worded much better. I couldn't exactly catch the flow because it seemed choppy. Your rhyme schemes seem like start-stop-start-stop. Nothing really transitions well into the next line, and so-on. Your multies aren't forced, so that's good.

[Mr.DGAF]

Thanks for the feed man, appreciate it. I agree on the wording thing, thats something in particular that I feel I can improve on.