Tweak My Chorus

[TripleNineThree]

LoF - viewtopic.php?f=38&t=147228

This is a hook that I've written and recorded for my next song. I have a concert this weekend so I won't be able to perform the song by then since it's too soon but I also have another concert next weekend and I plan on performing the full song then.

This chorus is not done, so give me some advice on how to tweak it and make it sound more professional before I record the entire song and perform it.

Thanks!


Chorus - http://soundcloud.com/user3076287/set-m ... s-not-done

Lyrics -
Chorus
I wanna be free, I wanna be free
My sin is killing me I'm a slave to the old me
Tryin' to be holy, but my sin controls me
I just wanna be free, please set me free

I, wanna, be free!
I, wanna, be free!
I, wanna, be free!
Set me free God I'm asking you please!

EDIT - THE CONCEPT

I just wanted to let you guys know the concept of the track. I think it is one you will enjoy based on the feedback I've received on my other songs.

A lot of people who listen to my music think that because I'm a rapper that raps about and preaches Christ, that I'm infallible and unable to make mistakes. It's basically a song that I admit my shortcomings to prove that I'm not "God" as they make me out to be.

So far, I only have the first verse written. In it, I mention how I use to struggle with cutting, suicidal thoughts, drugs; and how I still struggle with lust, pride, and how I was made out to be a hippocrite when I first started during Christian rap because I got arrested a week after my first concert.

[Eedee]

Chorus
I actually liked the chorus. The vocal quality was awesome; it had depth and some echo to it, as you said in my track thread, makes it sound professional. The lyrics were okay for what you were trying to do. Some parts kind made me go "huh"? You're trying to be free? Don't Christians revel in being "sheep" to God or something? Oh well, minor nitpick from an atheist lol.

But yeah, the beat is very nice, should compliment your concept well. I wouldn't change anything on your hook if you're comfortable with it. I think it's totally fine the way it is.

[TripleNineThree]

Chorus
I actually liked the chorus. The vocal quality was awesome; it had depth and some echo to it, as you said in my track thread, makes it sound professional. The lyrics were okay for what you were trying to do. Some parts kind made me go "huh"? You're trying to be free? Don't Christians revel in being "sheep" to God or something? Oh well, minor nitpick from an atheist lol.

But yeah, the beat is very nice, should compliment your concept well. I wouldn't change anything on your hook if you're comfortable with it. I think it's totally fine the way it is.

Thanks bro! And, when I say be free, I'm talking about being free from sin. Everybody in this world claims that they are free but in reality they are slaves to their desires. I struggle with different things such as lust and pride and the song is about me wanting to be free from those types of things.

Galations 5:1 - "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

Anyways, thanks man!


EDIT I'm locking this topic because I posted the full song.