~Jack's friEndly awFul Failures~

[Snakebeast]

LOK: http://forum.trshady.com/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=161122#p2240337
Beat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtP31PQn_K4

Can any of you guess who this is?
I hope so; since I don’t even know who it is
I don’t have a name yet; I’m completely nameless
All I know is that I’m never going to be famous

Because I’m just a friend, floating in outer space
I hug with many people; then leave without a trace
Using the powers of hell to power my power kill
Killing everything from the honourable to the cowards well

The fires from underground burn the urban crowd
The burning sound is perfect; nothing can stop the hurting now
Their bullets, bombs, and missiles cannot hurt me
So I laugh at their crying pathetic little pleas of mercy

Please don’t hurt me; is what the muddy child said
Before my eyes turned into a bloody wild red
And burned his face red; and killed his mother
And of course I don’t forget to spill the blood of his brothers

And now they're all gone; I thank you for watching
The show is now over, friends; please continue walking
Wait; I just remembered my name, so hold the beat
My name is .... the Killer; now please, GO TO SLEEP.

EDIT MAN: Jack's friEndly awFul Failures would like to welcome you to THE awKward hILL just on thE aRch.

AUDIO: http://www.420yolo.com

AUDIO 2 (i love you mommy): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5b_4u054pBA

EDIT MAN IS DEAD: please don't tell anybody about this. my mummy wouldn't want people to know. Bark all you want, but hE is coming aNyways.

[Snakebeast]

thanks for the quick feed. could you tell me how the last bars couldn't flow? i'll change it. and please, take a look at the audio and read the edits made by the edit man. he was a nice man before i hugged him.

[Snakebeast]

shit. i forgot to change the beat. i changed it before but forgot to copy and paste it in. thanks for the catch. and please listen to the audio. it helps..

[Sam.]

This was simple and nice. You maintained the technicalities of writing till it was comfortable for you. That's good, I mean nothing is wrong with that. Just try and make the Rhymes, Phrasing, Content more complex. Practice. Shit like this doesn't come very easily.

[Snakebeast]

Thanks for the feedback, guys :3

I'm not sure what you mean by work on multies though, guiltyhiphop. Do you mean be more creative with my rhyming, or just more rhyming in general? Because I know I didn't make the rhymes exactly stand out...

[Just Silver]

this felt more like a poem at times but thats not a bad thing i suppose

some nice imagery i didnt understand the semi colons but i took it as a pause

simplistic rhyming but flow is maintained so its decent Grade : C

[Sam.]

Thanks for the feedback, guys :3

I'm not sure what you mean by work on multies though, guiltyhiphop. Do you mean be more creative with my rhyming, or just more rhyming in general? Because I know I didn't make the rhymes exactly stand out...

Multi as in Multi-Syllabic, like more that a Syllable. No?

[Snakebeast]

Wow, you read my mind. I was thinking of the structure of Growing Up in the Gutter when I wrote it ._.

Anyways, thanks for the feedback. I'll be sure to feed your stuff :3