The TRshady Forum became read-only in December 2014. The 10 year history will live on, in this archive.
Continue the discussion with the new home for the Eminem and Hip Hop discussion: HipHopShelter.com.

Sirens

Want to share a poem, story or a moving article? Share creative literature text here.

Sirens

Postby superman11 » Sep 23rd, '13, 18:56

viewtopic.php?f=24&t=163973

Beat - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=riSPuLWT7h4

First Verse.

I'm an assassin, with a pad hidden in the hills of aspen.
Sick bars, too complex for you to fathom.
Knock you off the side of your head, you need more than asprin,
need more than armies and navies to relax em.
I'm all about blades and knives, no need for magnums
unless shorty come over, bottom droor, u know he has em.
All the ladies see me they giggle and laughing
like Rebecca, "don't be shy, just ask em".
I'm a beast, head jeans to feet stay mackin,
kill the music, monster on these beats stay spazzin.
Never heard it like this before, a twist like a contortionist,
bop your head til it ends never getting bored of it.
Don't wana hear the shit your sayin so put a fork in it.
Wonder how i attained skill? Well I was born with it
but listen and learn it ain't lucky it's fortunate,
and fuck the fame I'm only in it for the sport of it
but that don't mean I won't have cash flowin out the ass,
all you rappers garbage and I'm takin out the trash.
I'm a beast and y'all are weak prey that im fixin to attack,
im a stalker, your target I'm just itchin to harass.
Its the script, and I ain't talkin cursive,
I'm talkin the bars that your hearing in the verses,
the ones that kill you rappers lay em in the hearses,
turn men to bitches see the dresses and the purses.
Now I'm back, an addict with a pad and a pen.
damaging men, women, children, crying when will it end.
A godsend ascends as the fucking king of this trend,
all u see is the rear end of the Benz too far to contend.
It's just the way I am, he don't mean to offend
so misunderstood, all the teachers were quick to suspend
felt no need to attend. To those that can't comprehend
we recommend you turn it up cause were at it again.

Feedback please. :y:
Image
User avatar
superman11
Soldier
Soldier
 
Posts: 980
Joined: Jul 16th, '13, 20:27
Location: On a laptop in my back pocket
Gender: Male

Re: Sirens

Postby Flamez » Sep 25th, '13, 00:45

Good shit I liked it went well with the beat.
Image
User avatar
Flamez
Band Leader
Band Leader
 
Posts: 5673
Joined: Sep 6th, '06, 15:55
Gender: Male

Re: Sirens

Postby Just Silver » Sep 25th, '13, 13:22

very nice phrasing was an enjoyable read you always seem to draw me in by the first few lines

line 11-16 even though most ended with "it" still works pretty damn good for flow

only real complaint is the beat sorta sounds weird to me

crazy how its only verse 1 its really long lol but i like it

overall entertaining read we should collab in the near future in my downtime :y:
Image
User avatar
Just Silver
Band Leader
Band Leader
 
Posts: 7791
Joined: Jun 27th, '09, 03:40
Location: East Coast
Gender: Male

Re: Sirens

Postby superman11 » Sep 26th, '13, 17:38

Just Silver wrote:very nice phrasing was an enjoyable read you always seem to draw me in by the first few lines

line 11-16 even though most ended with "it" still works pretty damn good for flow

only real complaint is the beat sorta sounds weird to me

crazy how its only verse 1 its really long lol but i like it

overall entertaining read we should collab in the near future in my downtime :y:


Thanks! Yeah the beat is weird, I wanted to do somethin a lil different.. Always down for a collab, PM when you got the time.
Image
User avatar
superman11
Soldier
Soldier
 
Posts: 980
Joined: Jul 16th, '13, 20:27
Location: On a laptop in my back pocket
Gender: Male

Re: Sirens

Postby ilovebender.com » Oct 1st, '13, 03:48

LOVED your opening line.

I didn't click the beat link but... I did like the title and that opener was great.
... Had I have been from Aspen, I almost certainly would have went 'brap!' to that.
I'm from South London from Westminster to the back streets of Thornton Heath.
Off Brigstock Road.

Image
Guess_Who wrote:ilovebender makes me want to listen guns'n roses but ...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQvteoFiMlg
User avatar
ilovebender.com
Soldier
Soldier
 
Posts: 805
Joined: Sep 21st, '10, 04:41
Location: The London Borough of Croydon, GB
Gender: Male


Return to Creative Writing



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users