Rollefsen wrote:InsaneTRex94 wrote:Chilltown-JAKE wrote:Yo Rex - I've been lurking here since late '09 (had an account for a short period) & you were one of my favorite posters. Nowadays you just seem grumpy & it seems like you don't give a shit about this stuff anymore. Everything cool man?
Well, first off, thank you for asking me. Nobody seems to care enough about me here to ask me. I guess that's the story of my life. Nobody has given me the attention that I need for me to develop a healthy mental state and it looks like I've been finally feeling the effects of it. My parents have been immensely disappointed with me. My father kicked me out of the house 4 times this summer, and I don't have enough friends to house me for a couple of nights. Each time I ended up going to the front of my old high school, because I live only 12 minutes or so walking from there. And each time, I was woken up by kids going to summer courses who were making fun of me. I was so depressed over the summer, you have no idea. I was stealing liquor from my parents and running out of the house, drinking an entire fifth of whiskey at least 3 times a week, stumbling back into the house in the middle of the night.
I thought coming back to university would fix everything for myself. I thought, I'm going to see a couple of friends who I hung out with the previous year would be cool. It was a shock to find that most of these "friends" had moved on from me over the summer. They had found other kids who were easy to talk with...not some weird kid who zones out like a zombie and doesn't laugh at jokes or anything. They decided it wasn't worth the effort to try to make friends with me. Only about 2 or 3 kids stayed. I was happy with them. I loved them. I still do...but they've abandoned me as well. They've all gotten jobs and girlfriends, while I'm still stuck in my socially awkward teenaged mode. It's probably because I'm a year younger than all of them. But now I can't go anywhere without feeling like I'm thirdwheeling someone. Hell, even when there's just two of us I still feel like a third wheel.
Now I've been drinking more than ever. My grades have tanked. My friends are all starting to give up on helping me to be happy, one by one. I've been making it so difficult for them, and I don't mean to. My mind is a vase, my parents are the football. My brother is the one who threw it. And my friends are the other kids trying to glue it back together but getting frustrated. They've found me at least 3 girls but I've scared them all off. They've all given the feedback that I seem too dry for them to want to engage in conversation or a romantic or intimate relationship. One of them did try for 5 dates, but she decided she couldn't do it at the end. And that crushed me the most. She led me on because she thought she was too nice to end it with me. In reality, she was the cruelest because she led me on.
This has all happened in less than 2 months. I'm feeling more and more depressed by the hour. I've not gotten to the point where I want to commit suicide, I've been writing in my personal notepad to vent, as nobody else wants to hear me do so. But it's been losing effectiveness. I used to use it as catharsis, sometimes I'd dig my pen so deep into the page I'd tear it, and I would just feel calm. Now, when it happens, with all the shit that's been piling up on me, I just can't do it. The final straw was when both of my grandfathers are sick. It's just disheartening.
I think I'm entitled to occasional grumpiness.
shit nigga
I feel your pain.
