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Quick rhyme - need feedback

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Quick rhyme - need feedback

Postby Kez » Sep 2nd, '06, 03:18

Thought of this rhyme on the bus and got home and wrote a verse that rhymed with the first line.

Feedback appreciated, don't take this seriously, it's just a pissabout.

----

Ima set you on fire with a match soaked in gas it's/
Crazy, put a glove on and shove it up all your open asses!/
And if you read this and can't tell i'm joking, bastards/
I'll bounce you to the moon on a broken matress!/
I'll rust your mind worse than a soaking chassis/
Make your car crash, make the exhaust break with choking gasses/
Set it on fire, chain it up and show it to t'masses!/
I'm an insane bastard, fucking cloaked in madness/
All i'm doing is showing sadness/
Write stuff so hot my fucking notebook catches!/
When i look at the window, i just notice fachists!/
Battle? I already recorded, wrote and rapped it!/
Ignore others, my shit's dopest, fastest/
Take your opinion and put it on a boat to Kansas!/
I could poke your eyes out with a pair of broken glasses!/
I grope at chances, to let you know what rap is!

------

EDIT'D
Last edited by Kez on Sep 5th, '06, 12:02, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby ,-,'-{Bar}-',-, » Sep 2nd, '06, 03:25

pretty sweet man last line needs a little work though....make it rythm betetr or something ehm.....some real ncie rythms and lines in there man keep it up :D
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Postby katastrophe » Sep 2nd, '06, 07:30

pretty much what bar said. i liked it homie. nice job but the last line could use a little more work :sweating: cant wait to see more from ya
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^^^Propz to McMaybe :worship:
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Postby Block » Sep 3rd, '06, 09:11

your style's almost the EXACT as eminems. (where you break your lines, word used, concepts, etc.)
it was ok. other than the fact you need your own style. wont get recognized with some one elses. (that's what the song real slim shady was about)
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For $5...
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Postby C-Game » Sep 3rd, '06, 19:56

I could poke your eyes out with a pair of broken glasses!/
I grope at chances, and choke u lasses fuckin wanna be rappers

or somethin on ur own creativity cld have done the job abt the last line

nice work of stickickin with the same 2 syllable rhyme except for the last line though... well done dude
but if u attached it 2 a hook or sumtin u can drag out the word rappinnnnnnnnnn to over lap the hook.
and the rhyme wldnt suffer @ all
my point of view that is
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