chorus and 1/4 of 1st verse to new song

by **ThomasAguanis** » Oct 25th, '06, 01:25

ok im trying somehting new here so all feedback is appreicated:
chorus:
you know I'm verbally skilled, I attack the tracks/
everything you've heard from me's ill, stay back and clap/
all my word's so free will, you're raps are whack/
even if surgery drills and I collapse, relapse/
when I'm burned and I'm grilled, I'll attach the flaps/
you can't murder me still, I'll adapt from scraps/
it's you're turn to be killed, you react, you're trapped/
want to learn from me skill? sit back, relax/

Verse 1:
I reap destruction, slay verses and burn bars/
I keep instructing they persons to learn far/
I excrete eruption, say curses, they turn char/
deep concussion, in gray hurses, with firm scars/

and here's the same chorus and verse but with the rhyme schemes effectitized(if that's even a word :laughing:

)

chorus:
you know I'm verbally skilled, I attack the tracks/
everything you've heard from me's ill, stay back and clap/
all my word's so free will, you're raps are whack/
even if surgery drills and I collapse, relapse/
when I'm burned and I'm grilled, I'll attach the flaps/
you can't murder me still, I'll adapt from scraps/
it's you're turn to be killed, you react, you're trapped/
want to learn from me skill? sit back, relax/

Verse 1:
I reap destruction, slay verses and burn bars/
I keep instructing they persons to learn far/
I excrete eruption, say curses, they turn char/
deep concussion, in gray hurses, with firm scars/

like i said above...Im trying something new and seeing how it is and how people react so any and all feed is appreicated
and also, I didnt write this to a beat so any suggustions for a beat would be very helpful :sweating:

by **Hadez** » Oct 25th, '06, 05:03

i think its good. but i haven't read ur otha stuff, so how is this different?

by **ThomasAguanis** » Oct 25th, '06, 21:36

Hadez wrote:i think its good. but i haven't read ur otha stuff, so how is this different?

the whole structure is different bassically. kinda hard to explain but you'd notice if you read anything from me. I'll bold what i tried to do

McMaybe wrote:the chorus is one of the hottest i ever read, but the verse is weaker than what you usualy do man, your old style was hott, i know what your trying to do
pointer as a friend, like if your gonna match sylibals but make the snetance the same length as each other one, then you need to have two complexities, like

i wrote this just as an example, its just rhyming words, im not trying to make scense

im awake, and take, the cake, to bake fast,
i can rape, erase my tape, and lay assed,
i aint fake, the lake is your future, far past,
you can rake, the snake from your pants, but cant blast

thanks man. im not changing styles, i just wanted to try this for this and idk if im even contuining it or just saving part of what yet. and I kinda tried to make them the same legnth which kinda worked but didnt in some areas and in the chorus i had 2 complexities and in the verse i had 3. thanks for the comment.