Day Dream

[Tash8]

in a purple haze, lookin' straight on
eyes displaced, my true fate's gone
remember my quote, till days dawn
"If I ever change, I'll come back in a true form
forgetting the past, like Jason new-Bourne"
my life's been based on dreams and hopes
watching my work and schemes explode
and with all this shit i have to cope
with and nobody undertands how I feel
obviously, cause i'm in a dream
and, by the way this a big joke
well some is true but only in a [Day Dream]

It's my lyrics for a song i recently recorded. It's a metaphore really, i wonder if anyone well pick on it, but it's saying that all these rappers who rap about being gangsters are only day dreaming.

[JMG]

it was pretty tight the last 4 lines could use a little work tho

[Tash8]

it was pretty tight the last 4 lines could use a little work tho

thanks and yea i see what your saying about the last 4 lines, and they need some work.

[Rain Matrix]

it was good

but it definitly would have been nicer if it was longer

[cellphonesweetheart]

i like it a lot i agree with making it a little longer i would like to see it grow

[4D]

I liked that a lot man actually, pity you resorted to making fun of it at the end, it was good up until that. As was already stated needs a little work, but it doesn't need much, i'd personally minus the last 3 or 4 lines and start again from there, continuing on that sequence would've been better.

[SajN]

I liked it Tash.
And yeah, those last 4 lines could be better ..
But it's good !

[shady4life!]

big difference between ur drops and others. i noticed in a lot of creative writin that most of the writers talk talk and like to just squeez in rhymes at the end just for it to rhyme, but a very good writer makes it flow and fit the rhymes in as if they came in natural, and add multis to spice it up. That was a great job Tash .

Didnt really understand it much tho but the flow and the rhymes were good. keep it up

[Tash8]

thanks guys, i already recorded this and w/e lol

[James R.]

Probably one of the best things I've seen from you. Knock off the last 4 lines and keep going from that point and you'll be in good shape. This could be a REALLY tight drop if you have confidence in it and reflect that confidence through your rhymes.