Lot of Thoughts! !*UPDATED*!x2

[SajN]

I tried to relax, laid on my bed.
Looked at my plaques, prayed to be dead//
Listened to my tracks, my eyes' still red//
My mind collapsed, I acted like a pillhead//
My nine's cracked, wanted to shoot me instead//
Don't want to get elapsed, keepin' myself a step ahead//
Now I'm trapped, look where it led//
Stucked in this crap, didn’t manage to fled//
I tried to let it be, but it went into me//
It was like my destiny, dying as a slow fading symphony//
Smokin' the same three, known as a choking emcee//
All I did, didn't take place as I thought//
a brawling kid, hidden face, being distraught//
It was somethin' I sought, couldn't figure it out//
My blood pumpin, I fought, wouldn't turn to bigger shit now//


Some english mistakes?

[Steve Spag]

Pretty cool man. Some of your lines were a little longer than they should be (unless you know how to flow it right), but I liked your words and the rhyme scheme for it. The first 2 bars are realllly dope, really felt them.

Keep it up, can't wait to see some more

[°[~CHR!$~]°]

yea me liked tha rhyme scheme
good work
and i agree with the 1st two lines being the best

[Tash8]

flow seems to robotic with that rhyming scheme...

but not bad

[,-,'-{Bar}-',-,]

flow is choppy coz of the scheme, but then again that only comes into play if its on beat

rhymes had potential

keep it up man

[SajN]

Pretty cool man. Some of your lines were a little longer than they should be (unless you know how to flow it right)

I am glad you like it. Its true. Some of the lines were a little longer because I couldn't figure out how to put down the sentences / rhymes.
Thanks for feeding
I appreciate that..
The same to Chris, Tash8 and Bar. Thanks guys

Honestly, I didn't care so much about the flow. Don't know why

rhymes had potential

Bar, you know (I think) that I am not so good in english, so can you explain a bit better than that ? lol


I think that I have improved a bit...

More feeds ?

[Tash8]

flow is one of the most important things in rap. you should care about it.

[,-,'-{Bar}-',-,]

Bar, you know (I think) that I am not so good in english, so can you explain a bit better than that ? lol

i mean that you know what a multi is and you can rhyme and still make sense, witch is a hard thing to do sometimes, so if you just keep working on that you will become really good at it


also, as tash said, flow is the most important thing in rap..not in text rap but if you ever goin to branch into audio you have to be able to flow

[SajN]

Ok . I get it .. Thanks for explaining.

And yeah I know flow is important.
But this is something I am not going to record. It's just a text where I try to improve..

But still I don't figure out how to make a good flow. Never practised at it

[SajN]

I have written a bit more.. So hope u guys still like it:)

I don't think I am finish with this one yet, so I am sure I will add more..

Please feed

[city]

yo how you make your own forum like that??

[SajN]

What are you talking about ?

[SajN]

BUMP ..

Why don't I ever get very much feeds ?

[Steve Spag]

I like it, it still seems like you're rushing yourself though. You have too many words in some lines for it, and that makes the flow off big time. The words are good, just try to find an easier way to put it out there, I can't really explain it, lol. But keep it up, let me know when you got more shit so I can feed it

[SajN]

I like it, it still seems like you're rushing yourself though. You have too many words in some lines for it, and that makes the flow off big time. The words are good, just try to find an easier way to put it out there, I can't really explain it, lol. But keep it up, let me know when you got more shit so I can feed it

Thank you for the feed.. again
Yeah, I don't know really how to fit words in, but I am working on it.
Thank you man

More feeds please