TILL I COLLAPSE

[Arabian Shady]

aiyo , was listenin 2 da song n things just started hittin me so i thought y not do a shadie n try this shit out
here goes

Till i collapse i'm pinnin attacks long as u feel 'em,
till the bombs that i dropped, ur bones ur not feelin 'em,
cause wen u get socked, n it aint hurtin you , then,
i am not shadie n i am just not arabian,
subminimal comebacks, n when ima start killen 'em,
women-their clothes they shed,strippen 'em,clocks tikin,
adrenaline shots of analgesics could not get da,
pain n seizures to stop,branded knits,they aint real enuf,
I'm the terrorists doc, killin 'em sharp,
rebel a criminal mind to stop, millions of hip hop listeners,
ma critics shud seize, me-a wana be or not, u'll
wana be it if I told u the spirit of SHADIE just lives in us,
U'll hear it alot,imitations to shock, is it a talent,
or am I just an average rap listener,
things just started to sizzzle,this shit is 2 shock,
so just listen up,ma rains just stopped,
this shadie does not give a fuck!!.


the only purpose of writin this was to improve ma drops by using more multis n better rhymes using better vocaulary, so i'd appreciate any kind of review!
hit me bak
peace

[Steve Spag]

Really good drop, I enjoyed reading it. The flow was a little off for some parts (to me anyways), but it was good. Your vocab has gotten a lot better, so this is deffinetly a step up. Keep it up man

[Tash8]

sorry, but

you could maybe use a flow of a song, you could maybe use the introduction of a song, you could maybe use the structure of a song, and you could possibly base your new song on a different song,

but you cannot take a verse and just replace a few words and make it more about you...

you basically kept the same rhymes and the same multis but altered the lines a bit...

[Arabian Shady]

steve:thanx, i'm glad u get the reason y i wrote it, just 2 improve

tash: i understood that fact, but i didnt change some words, i changed the meaning of the verse.but i just wana thank u for ur feed, appreciate it!

need more ppl! more feed

peace

[Rain Matrix]

try to take tha "personal aspects" of yur pieces and up that level

pther than that nice

[,-,'-{Bar}-',-,]

you used eminems flows, eminems structure, eminems style, eminems song name, eminems rhyme style, eminem rhymes (most the time) eminem multi's, infact


good verse eminem

[Arabian Shady]

been too long

rain:tahnks alot brother, i took ur advice last time , will do the same for ma next drop

bar:did u need tash for that or did u think of thatt all by urself??
i made it like that man, i didnt want to change ne thing exept the meaning, thats y i posted it.
n i didnt u se his rhymes-adrenaline is a word man,
ne ways i just want a review man, gd or bad
ne body else??

[Kez]

If you had used a different rhyme scheme and flow than Eminem did, there would be no complaints.

But you didn't, so sorry, but this just looks like an Eminem verse with words replaced to me.

[Tash8]

it was obviously good, but the good parts about it were the eminem parts.

which were the flow and most of the multis/rhymes.

[Enimee]

dude they are all right...look i see what you were tryna do and i understand and respect it COMPLETELY but its not YOURS ya know you didnt write it at all its the same shyt jus a lil different and if thats what you need to do to make you better then do it its like artists...some of the greatest started out tracing

not everyone can freehand
not everyone can ride two wheels


sometimes we need a stencil or some training wheels this is it for you so i respect it good luck with future shyt keep at it

[Arabian Shady]

enimee,tash: i get wat u mean now,
n that was my aim, ofcourse thats how i made it, ,but it was just so that i could test out some new words, rhymes,style .....
ma next drop will be wiked, i can promise u that much
thnx alot guys
peace