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16 Lines (feedback?)

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16 Lines (feedback?)

Postby Makaveli525 » Jan 6th, '08, 18:03

this just somethin i wrote, tryin to switch up my style... wanted to see what yall think of it

Stop, look and listen while I deliver precision/
Winnin's what I envision, I'm everything you isn't/
Watch me make an incision, comin at you like ammunition/
I'm dishin out more beef than you got in your kitchen/
Like an unclear image, my rhymes blur your vision/
I got it all, and makin you fall, is my mission/
The power to tear you apart, lyrical fission/
Full force tackle, while I cackle, with derision/
A short intermission while your reign comes to an endin/
Got you livid, it's not so easy, now, is it/
I'm the magician, telekinetic word collision/
This my first draft, you on your fifth revision/
Dont care, those who dare, to challenge me walk home limpin/
Its wicked, yall wanna mess with me bitches?/
In minutes the menace leave you in stitches, you finished

i know, some weak lines crept in there... any feedback, tips, etc would be appreciated
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Re: 16 Lines (feedback?)

Postby scalia5 » Jan 7th, '08, 01:00

thats pretty cool...but i would put like a line in of al words rhyming like put the words that rhyme..into one line...that'll be cool
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Re: 16 Lines (feedback?)

Postby Makaveli525 » Jan 7th, '08, 01:42

scalia5 wrote:thats pretty cool...but i would put like a line in of al words rhyming like put the words that rhyme..into one line...that'll be cool

that would make no sense lol
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Re: 16 Lines (feedback?)

Postby Arabian Shady » Jan 7th, '08, 18:53

A short intermission while your reign comes to an endin/


wiked line man,ayte listen
the thing is that this drop actually sounded like a poem, i coudnt find a decnt flow, get wat i mean?
i tried sayin it out loud, damn i evn tried singin it but mayb its me
but all in all it was gd :y:
peace
ArAbIaN ShAdY


We're all on the same page, Yet we're standing apart on different lines'
So when we face rage, Ya'll fake it and let THEM commit horrific crimes
50 years & going straight, Yet this performance aint worth your time,OUR
Shit is BACKSTAGE,Cause the front page aint worth Kashmir and Palestine.
"Front Page",Arabian Shady


FiNd mE At dA "CREATIVE SECTION", I AM ULTIMATE INNOVATION!!
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Re: 16 Lines (feedback?)

Postby Makaveli525 » Jan 8th, '08, 03:04

Arabian Shady wrote:
A short intermission while your reign comes to an endin/


wiked line man,ayte listen
the thing is that this drop actually sounded like a poem, i coudnt find a decnt flow, get wat i mean?
i tried sayin it out loud, damn i evn tried singin it but mayb its me
but all in all it was gd :y:
peace


i see what u sayin
ill work on my flow a lil bit... thanks for the feedback :)
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Re: 16 Lines (feedback?)

Postby Rain Matrix » Jan 8th, '08, 18:46

yo man that shit was ill

it definitly had tha flow and rhymes

not to mention detailed wording

good job
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Re: 16 Lines (feedback?)

Postby SajN » Jan 8th, '08, 19:06

Woohoo... Really great drop!
I liked your rhymes, and flow was all good for me. :y:

:y: Keep it up!
! Is He Nuts? No, He's InSajN !
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Re: 16 Lines (feedback?)

Postby Hadez » Jan 9th, '08, 21:26

pretty nice drop, propz :y:

somethin i wanted to point out is:

"Watch me make an incision, comin at you like ammunition"

you could actually make those bolded parts rhyme if you said it right, which would add a little more spice to that line.

its good tho, good job.
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Re: 16 Lines (feedback?)

Postby city » Jan 11th, '08, 03:43

I think that 16 was hott
i know you want feedback like everbody else
but mostly its if your satisfied wit it
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